Unsung Lullabies: Introduction & Chapter 1

Discussion link at bottom

I already really like this book. Everything is described so succinctly and accurately. The Introduction basically covers the authors' backgrounds and their reasons for writing the book and founding the Center for Reproductive Psychology. All 3 of the authors have experienced infertility. However, David Diamond's story was profound for me. I am not blind to the pain that men feel during this experience, but Dave illustrated some of the misconceptions very well. In his account, Dave's friend responds to the news of their IVF by telling him the story of another friend who underwent IVF, only to lose the baby late in pregnancy. The kicker is that before telling the story, Dave's friend cautions him not to tell his wife because, "it will upset her."

Dave's private response is shock and anger. He is surprised that his friend would think that Dave is immune to the same kind of pain and worry his wife is experiencing. He writes, "What about the man? What about me?" It made me think about my husband, and how he's going through a lot of the same emotional turmoil that I'm experiencing, but that he doesn't voice it as much, nor does he get as much support from others. I worry about that and hope that I at least am meeting his needs in that area.

Part 1 is entitled, "Reproductive Trauma. What Happens When Things Go Wrong?" The first chapter is, "This Isn't How it Was Supposed to Be." Most of the first chapter is basically a rehash of all the reasons that infertility sucks. I could definitely identify, and it felt good to see all my feelings validated on paper by a professional.

The word "trauma" jumped out at me though. They say, "A trauma is any event or feeling that goes beyond the range of usual human experience and is overwhelming either physically, emotionally, or both." I had never thought to use the word "trauma" to describe this ordeal, but it most certainly fits the bill. Is this overwhelming physically? Of course it is! The fact that I no longer fear the pain of childbirth like I once did is testament to that. And if anyone questions me on the physical distress, I'll point to my endometrial biopsy with its incredibly painful complications. Or how about the HSG, the shots, the horrible cramping and swollen, painful ovaries, the intense bloating, the hot flashes, the IUI, the laproscopy and hysterscopy? OK, but that's the treatment, not the disease some would say. Well, to that I say, take one of my horribly painful, heavy periods or deal with the fatigue and joint pain that comes along with PCOS and hypothyroid. Then you can judge. As for emotional distress... wow. I don't think I even have to touch that one! Besides, I'm probably preaching to the choir here on this stuff. Let me just say that it's bad enough to deal with infertility itself. But when you add mood altering chemicals in large quantities?? I never imagined I was capable of such rage, anxiety and despair.

So, to sum it up, I feel like we've only just brushed the surface of the issues in this book. But I was already able to reflect more on the unique pain that men feel in this situation. I'm also glad that they introduced me to the use of the word trauma to describe infertility. It seemed to validate my situation somehow, and that's something that helps me feel less crazy. I'm always on the lookout for less of the crazy.

See you next Saturday for the next installment!

Move to the next blogger: Validation