Has anyone else who's experienced a loss kept their positive hpt? I know it seems gross, but mine is still tucked in a little box beneath the bathroom sink. I also have photos of it and the digi that I used. I'm wondering if I need to be able to let go of that to know that I've moved on.
As usual, it's the good with the bad. I've been trying to remain positive, and mostly I am, but lately anxiety has crept insidiously back into my life. As more and more people I know become pregnant, I can't help thinking, "how much longer will I have to wait?" On top of that, others are experiencing difficult pregnancies, births and losses, and I can't help thinking, "if the wait ever ends, what pain lies ahead?" Sometimes I just feel like I will always suffer from a bit of a broken heart. But if I've learned else nothing by my 30th year, I've learned that this is life. Happiness and despair, comfort and pain; life is a complex mix of all. I feel almost like an alien when around friends who haven't yet been jolted out of the warm cushiness of their fantasies about life. Sure everyone has pain and struggle, but in my case at least, it took a lot more than just the usual struggles to open my eyes completely. Ever since my grandma died in our living room when I was 8, (actually even when I became aware of how sick she was), I have been far too keenly aware of how fleeting life is. But I had been able to hold on to my fuzzy illusions about it. Now I can't, and I find myself creating a new world for myself complete with altered perceptions. So don't be disturbed if you see me yo-yoing in my emotions or thoughts. I'm just trying to find my balance.
I started this partly to explain my feelings on pregnancy and my diminished presence on pregnancy blogs. I do read them - faithfully. I cry and laugh and rejoice with them. However, I often find I comment far less than I did before the pregnancy. Please don't feel that I don't care. I really really do. It's just that it's an uncharted world for me - one that I desperately wish I knew. So when the talk turns to symptoms, frustrations and baby talk, I don't always feel I can contribute well. I don't really know what to say. And there are definitely days when I can't even read at all. But please know that I still enjoy your blogs and wish you the most wonderful experience possible.
Lots of love!
FCiF
Note: If you know where I got my post title, please leave it in the comments!
Monday, March 10, 2008
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7 comments:
I think most of us can relate. Sometimes there are blogs that you can't relate to and have to step away from for awhile. Others you can keep reading but it becomes a task. Please feel welcome to continue visiting my blog even if I don't see a comment from you. On days, where you don't feel like you relate, stepping away is okay too. I am not upset. I have been there visiting blogs and not commenting or stepping away on certain days. Hugs of friendship to you as you continue to move to your happy place and work through some things.
I've said this to many others, but a diminished presence on a blog when they go from IF to pregnancy is totally understandable. No matter how happy you may be for somebody, it can be difficult to read about what you want so much day in and day out. Don't beat yourself up about it, as I think everybody understands.
your not commeting on Pg blogs - is TOTALLY normal and you do not need to explain yourself!
and yes Life .... is Life
I use http://www.statcounter.com/ .. you sign up for a free account and it gives you lots of detailed graphs nd info. I am a stat junkie
You wanna know a real time/perception warp I have? Sometimes I will stumble onto an IF blog for someone who started trying in late October 2006, got a blog going in late 2007 and now they're pregnant and I think to myself, we'll they weren't very infertile were they? I remember when I was TTC for 12 months and 14 months ... and 18 months, I sure felt like I had been TTC forever. But now that seems like such a short amount of time. Isn't that bizarre?
Anyway, sorry for the random tangent. I did have an comment on something you ACTUALLY said too:
"I feel almost like an alien when around friends who haven't yet been jolted out of the warm cushiness of their fantasies about life."
I find myself keeping company with this thought a LOT. Just today even. Sometimes it seems like some people go through life so unscathed. Everything just working out perfectly for them all the time. And I get huffy. Then I think of all the tragedies in the world - just among people I know, Jen's wreck and Nat's stillbirth just to name we both know of. Sometimes it really seems not fair that life sh!ts on some people more than others. :(
Happy 100th Post.
Thanks for the last few posts. They've been thoroughly human and I can really relate to so much said.
Your strength is a beacon to me. Take care of yourself.
I totally understand that you're saying. I am actually really impressed and touched by all the support you've shown us for our blog.
I kept my positive hpt for months after our loss and didn't throw it out until the next time we got pg (I didn't take a hpt this time, actually managed to wait for the beta. wow!
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