Pessimism in the New Year

First I have to wish everyone a safe, happy and healthy New Year. I know the healthy part is always questionable for a lot of us, but here's to hoping anyway. :)

I'm almost in the middle of my two week wait. I have a killer lower backache, cramps, mood swings and major chocolate and salt cravings. In short, it feels like my period is just around the corner, but it's way too early. I seem to feel like this more on Femara than I did on anything else. And it was much worse the cycle of my chemical pregnancy (or early miscarriage). Of course that freaks me out, but what are ya gonna do? These signs never really mean anything in particular except in hindsight. So that doesn't really help me.

Something that is really bothering me though is that I know our chances, and I know they aren't high. Therefore, I've been preparing myself for the coming of AF. The thing that's jerking me around so much right now though is that this is it. This is our last cycle... at least for a really long time. If this doesn't pan out, we start saving a dollar here and a dollar there (literally) toward adoption and start investigating the process. Between the lap and the latest round of failed cycles, we are very very broke. We wouldn't have made the bills this month except for some very thoughtful gifts of cash from some relatives.

Adoption scares the crap out of me. And if this cycle doesn't work, barring a miracle, that's what we're looking at. I'm afraid of the cost, the process and the adjustment. But I know I have a lot of love to give the child that's waiting for us. I just don't know yet how to grieve the loss of the pregnancy experience.

So I'm in the midst of depression and pessimism. Even if I am pregnant, how do I make sure I won't lose it? PCOS is not famous for its kindness to pregnancy. I know these are the same things that plague many of your minds. I'm just deeper into it than I usually am. I think I've decided that I need some time to myself until we know for sure, and some time to process the results. I will be around, but if I post, it probably won't be ttc related at all. I will definitely let you all know when I feel I can though. I just need to step back for DH and me. I hate this black pit of a wait. And I hate even more the negative results afterwards. I'll be thinking of you all though.

B

Stuff

Wow everyone! Thanks so much! Disclaimer: this is not going to be a well written post. It's just a jumble of my thoughts and reactions to your comments. Sometimes you just have to have those. :)

Our Christmas was very nice. It was spent with family and lots of good food. My dear husband made me cry by remembering how much I loved watching White Christmas and buying it for me. He even bought it well in advance! That was very touching coming from hubby.

The large package my Mom lugged down actually contained 2 little beach chairs! We love them! Every time she went to the beach with us, she mentioned how we should have some. Now we do! It only took 3 years of living here, but we finally have a beach umbrella and some chairs.

And as for your comments; you all are very sweet to offer me such encouragement. I can say that it is definitely appreciated right now. This is our last shot in many ways, so there has been a lot of anxiety in this house about the outcome. I don't feel very optimistic about our chances, but I still have that hope. So I don't know what I will do when/if we get that negative. I'm finally coming out of the depression/craziness that the drugs cause, but that will surely plunge me right back in.

Allison & Farah - I'm glad (and sad) someone else has experienced that feeling! I felt a little like a freak. :) Thanks for the well wishes.

Browneyedgirl - I did my first 2 IUIs alone. I didn't like it, but it was ok. You'll be just fine. (and hopefully won't need it!)

Thanks Heather, Jennifer, Bea, Y, Hilary and Chips for all your support! It really means a lot.

CLAIRE! Please email me so I can catch up with you. I don't have any way of contacting any of you (old Buddy Group) and would love to know more! I hope things are all well with you.

See.. pretty jumbled. But it feels good to return the love. ;-)

Santa Brought me an IUI!

The IUI went very well. It was the first time Hub has ever come into the room with me, so that was way cool. It had to be at the main office since mine wasn't open, but the minute I was called back to the room, DearNurse, NewNurse (she seems nice) and Phlebotomist were all there to greet me! They were, in fact, waiting for me to walk through the door! It made me feel wonderful. There were hugs and Merry Christmases all around before we proceeded to the business at hand.

I had the doctor on call, but I've had her before, and she was very good. I had the least discomfort of all 3 of my IUIs. DearNurse chatted with us as usual (she had asked to attend), and everyone appreciated my festive reindeer socks. DH's boys were in a good mood, and we had 28.5 million post wash with 87% rapid progressive motility! Those supplements have sure helped! I believe I will have an egg release from each side as Lefty should be over 20 right now and Righty should be over 18. I'm certainly feeling it in each ovary. My lining is definitely thick enough. Now it's just a waiting game. The one we all know and love.

The only bummer is I always get so emotional and feel so vulnerable right after an IUI. It's like the ultimate proof that I am broken and need this help to have a chance. I'm also always sad that this can't just be between DH and me. But overall, I'm reservedly happy.

Since I won't be posting on Christmas, I just wanted to wish you a very Merry Christmas to those who celebrate! Love to all.

Gonal-f pen, how I love thee

Last night I injected my last dose of Gonal-f. However, it was not my beloved (as I've now come to realize) pen. It was the 75IU dose syringe that you have to mix. I do not know why DearNurse hates the pen so much now that I've experienced the syringe. It's a royal pain in the ARSE to mix. It's very hard to pull everything out of that vial; making a control freak like me feel like I screwed everything up. And lastly, it burns like Hell going in! Then there's the fact that shortly afterwards, I became even more dizzy than I have been the past few days, and developed a searing pain in my left temple that responded to every stimulus imaginable. But then again, I am the side effect Queen of the Universe. (overly dramatic much?)

I still have this pain, over 24 hrs later, but the doctor thinks it's unrelated. I have no idea what else it could be since I've never had a feeling like this in my life, and it happened shortly after the shot when I stood and tried to walk. Despite what she told me, headache is listed in the drug info as a common side effect. So who knows. Hopefully it goes away by tomorrow.

And as for the trifle moody comment, it was most definitely euphemistic. Somewhere around my 3rd dose I began having those crazy spiraling episodes of despair followed by intense anger and irritation that I remember so well from my clomid days. It's still not quite as bad, but damn is it close.

On the bright side, I had a great time with my Grandmother, the Ovidrel injection was fine, Christmas Eve is tomorrow and so is our IUI! I'm trying very hard not to be so realistic about our chances. ;-)

A Very Quick Update

I must be very fast here as I wait for my ride for a fun night with the Grandmother.

Largest follie is on the left side at 16.5mm. Miss Righty is PO'd that Miss Lefty tried to steal her thunder and came out of nowhere with a 13.5mm. I will do Gonal-F for 2 more days, then trigger on the 3rd day and insemination on Christmas Eve! I was worried it would fall on Christmas Day, and then I'd be up you know what creek without a paddle since my clinic is closed then. (speaking of which, see the poll on the sidebar. Just curious.)

My lining is a psycho 13mm, and I wish it would calm down!

A Sweet Sister Story

I am so lucky in that my Mom, sister and most of my family are extremely supportive and don't even seem capable of assvice. Keep that in mind as I relay an interchange between my Mom and Sister.

My Mom called to talk to me about Christmas shopping and the like. She started telling me about what my Sister liked and for whom she bought presents. One of the things my Sister wanted to buy was a pretty little infant dress.

Mom: Are you planning on having another one already?

Sis: No, (wistful sigh) I want to buy it for Barb.

Mom: But honey, you know they're having problems. And besides, how do you know she'd have a girl?

Sis: Oh. She'd have a girl. And it would look so beautiful in this little dress! The colors are just perfect for the lovely dark skin their baby will have. I just want to buy it for her because I can't wait. And it's so beautiful that I want it for my sister's baby.

That's relayed as best I can recall. Mom did manage to talk her out of buying the dress. Isn't that the most bittersweet, heartbreaking thing? My Sister is younger than I am, so I'm accustomed to being the one to worry about her, and be wistful over her. It made me realize how much this affects not just me, but everyone around me. I wish I could give my nephew a cousin. I hope I can someday.

A Thought...

You know how so many exclaim in hushed tones, "oooh. How will you explain to junior about how he/she was conceived?" Well, as I stared at the ultrasound screen, flat on my back (amongst other things), I thought, "That little follicle could be my baby waiting for conception." And it hit me. In one way, I feel lucky. I feel lucky that I may get to view my child's very beginnings. I feel a strange warmth toward the grainy image of that little follicle that could. I find myself cheering it on wordlessly throughout the day. And I love watching it grow and develop for ovulation. It makes me feel like I can at least get something right in this mess - even if it's only occasionally.

I realized that I feel privileged to be in on this very basic form of human life. Even if I never carry to term, I got to see what might have been my baby. And if I do carry successfully, I will see my child at stages that most women never get the chance to see.

So when (if) my child asks about his or her conception years down the road, I don't know what all I will explain, but I know how I will start. I will say with heartfelt honesty, "You were loved from the very very beginning."

________________________________________

*I was feeling unusually sappy and optimistic. Chalk it up to hormones.
Lovely Christmas date planned with the Grandmother tomorrow night AND follicle scan in AM. I don't know if I can update, but will try.