Judging

There's a girl at work who I thought I really liked. She's a bit harshly criticized me a few times throughout my pregnancy and now that I've come back. She does not want to have biological children, which is fine. But walking a mile in someone else's shoes is about the only thing that makes it ok to even THINK about hurting them with certain criticisms.

The other day I jokingly said, "You think I'M crazy but what about so and so?!" She said, "Yeah, she's crazier than you are for sure, but there's a long list below you that aren't as crazy as well." She did not seem to be joking, just as she hasn't been joking when she's given me "talking tos" before. Might I add that she is much younger than I am, and much less experienced?

It hurt my feelings a lot. It's one of those things that messed with my fragile confidence that is starting to slowly build. I want to not care, but it's so hard. Every part of me wants to make her understand. I know she wouldn't though.

Every part of our battle with infertility, depression, thyroid disease, anxiety and post partum issues has made me so much more empathetic and less judgmental to the larger world. It's hard to say though whether I appreciate the difficulties because of that or not. It seems pretty cushy to sit in an ivory tower like that and feel so smug about your own life. I just might prefer that to the awareness I have now if it brought the peace of mind this woman seems to have compared to me.

Posts I'll never write in bullet form

• Baby was very sick last night. It was scary. He seems better now.
• Jen's note on thrush has led me to question if I have it. How many times have people told me not to just deal with bfing pain, that there's probably something behind it? Especially since it just started about 2 weeks ago. I'm dumb. More later.
• We may have found 2 Dr's offices to interview. We're done with ours. We don't feel like partners in this endeavor at ALL. I'm also DONE with my insurance. We now have to appeal a $600 charge due to their screw ups.
• I've discovered that adoptive parents can be very high and mighty just like biological ones. It's annoying. I don't like it.
• People are almost worse with their asshatness about parenting than they were about IF. Or perhaps that's just because it's a lot harder to hide that you have a child than that you have IF.
• My confidence is slooowly coming back. I get knocked down pretty easily though.
• Sometimes I feel like a pariah pumping at work. People are so weird about breast milk.
• My baby will be THREE MONTHS OLD tomorrow! ACK!
  

Not Dead Yet

For me, having a baby and working full time is like having two full time jobs with mandatory overtime. Single parents deserve the biggest prize in the whole world.

The hormones don't help. But God is he cute.

Surprised

...that out of so many people at work who tried to breastfeed, so many were unsuccessful or went to pumping only or stopped quickly. It brings home just how difficult it can be. The only reason we are at all successful is because of very sensible support from so many with solutions that included formula, nipple shields and lots of hand holding. Sometimes if you tell women that "breast is best" and they need to push through it no matter what, you just lose it all. Let me never forget how difficult it was so I can be supportive of others.

Parenting Style

Anyone who knows E well knows that he's not exactly an "easy" baby. He's happy, charming, and sweet, and sensitive, and beautiful, but not really easy. For my part, my hormones have not exactly allowed me to adapt easily to our new situation either. I'm over the moon about my baby, but fatigue, type A personality and hormone surges knock me on my rear. And just as I was starting to really get my feet under me, full time work came barging in and turned me back on my ear. Add to that the fact that daycare was a very stressful situation at first, and you have a perfect storm of tired, cranky, crazy Barb. (By the way, daycare insisted he had to have colic, or acid reflux or we were just bad parents. Never mind that it was his first full - 12 hr - day in a new situation).

This baby just loves being with people. He loves cuddling and holding. It's definitely not colic because he is just fine at home being loved by Mommy and Daddy. He's also slow to warm up to new situations and new people. He has to know his surroundings to be completely comfortable. I guess that's a little code for he can be screamy if he is out of his element or routine. One of our biggest problems at the moment is that though we follow all the "right" suggestions to putting E down to sleep... waiting until he's sleepy but awake, making sure he sees his surroundings, white noise... I can't remove MYSELF from the situation. I can't lay him down in the crib from afar. Thus, he SEES me. I stay there a while and soothe him back to sleep, but when he wakes up a half an hour later, and I'm no longer there, he cries. This baby's biggest motivation is being held and being with Mom and Dad. Tell me how you fix THAT without stress oh mighty experts.

And it's so great to get to work or see the random person who can detail to me just how Hub and I created a baby who is sensitive and loves extra attention. And in comes some of my biggest annoyances, quite clearly laid out by Jen in this post.

In reality, I very much feel that our parenting style evolved around this baby's personality. If you've followed this blog at all, you see how I've struggled with the decisions we knew were right for us as a family but that we were always told and felt were the wrong thing to do. Co-sleeping is against what I always thought. I never imagined myself a "crunchy" parent, but judging by the nurse's horror at our pediatrician, that's exactly how we've turned out. But it's been guided by this sweetness. I've always had a personality similar to what it seems E has, and I remember vividly how it felt for people to feel they had to use tough love to make me stop being that way. Needless to say, it didn't work. It just created more neuroses and self doubt than I already had. We've noticed that with E, the more comfort and reassurance we give him, the more relaxed and calm he has become. So we are still using a combo of co-sleeping and sleeping away from us when it works, and so far he has been building on his sleeping confidence.

And that's our end goal and our happiness - a contented, loved baby and happy family.

p.s. Can I note that I am so extremely delighted with Hub's support and that he and I are on the exact same page with doing what our hearts tell us to do with this baby? And he's so sensible about it. Couldn't do it without his support. Love you babe.

Brief

The overwhelmed is very attached to the tired. I'm feeling better after having some tea and a can of Coke. Go me. It's nice that the weekend is upon us as well. More intelligent posts soon I hope.

Tired

Incredibly tired. Overwhelmed with what I'm not doing but trying to be more laid back. In love with daycare provider. Details later. Desperately wish to work part time.