Much less of the crazy now. Blood pressure is much better. There is no anxiety med ok for breast feeding, only depression, and I am not depressed so...
Also one hand blogging for the first time!
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
PPA
So it appears instead of ppd, I have ppa. I have no idea if that's a term or not, but I'm making it one. In this case, I mean post partum anxiety. I have had very high blood pressures and problems associated with anxiety, but no underlying cause other than anxiety and fatigue itself. I'm told this is pretty common after delivery but have never heard of it. They also have not given me anything to help. I'm trying to control it myself, but find it difficult at times. Any pointers, sharing or advice? It's one of the reasons I'm quite absent.
Oh, also, wow the milk coming in is weird. And did you know that your mammary glands can press in on nerves making your arm numb and your chest feel weird? Just so you know.. it's not related to your high blood pressure, and you're not having a heart attack... not that I was anxious about that or anything. ;-)
Oh, also, wow the milk coming in is weird. And did you know that your mammary glands can press in on nerves making your arm numb and your chest feel weird? Just so you know.. it's not related to your high blood pressure, and you're not having a heart attack... not that I was anxious about that or anything. ;-)
Sunday, January 10, 2010
It's Early and Late
I knew it was going to be hard, and I knew it was going to be awesome, but holy crap to both.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Kinda Back
We FINALLY got home at around 10:30pm on the 6th. You people are all awesome for your warm wishes. I'm still dealing with a few things - nothing major, but trying to be more reasonable with energy expectations of myself in the meantime. Baby couldn't be better. Hub is an amazing father, and I'm a lot in love.
I'm also a lot in awe that I did THAT. More soon. Promise. Babybutt hungry.
I'm also a lot in awe that I did THAT. More soon. Promise. Babybutt hungry.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
Labor Help PLEASE?
So last night around 12:30am, I started getting really regular contractions that felt different from my previous Braxton-Hicks. I timed them and they were about 9-11 minutes apart. I rested for a while until they got more intense and seemingly more frequent. Around 1:30 they were 6-9 minutes apart, and I started experiencing chills and some nausea. I went to bed to get some sleep. At 4:30, they were 5-7 mins apart, in my back, front and cervix and lasting more than a minute, so I called my doctor's office. I still wasn't sure if it was real labor or not. They advised me to go to the hospital.
At the hospital, they found me to be 2cm dilated and 80% effaced. Baby is at -1 or -2 station. (They weren't sure.) My contractions increased and strengthened and went to about 3 minutes apart for an hour or so. They sent me out to walk for 2 hours, but when I came back, contractions were stronger and more painful, but still at 2-5 minutes apart, and there was nothing new with my cervix.
Now I'm at home with some pain medication, instructions to rest and eat and then walk, walk, walk, and to come back when it's time. My big question is this. How in the HELL do I know when it's time? My contractions are already pretty painful (though not unbearable.. just difficult to walk and speak through for some, just discomfort for others) and very frequent. What else is going to change if my water doesn't break to let me know it's time to go? More pain? I'm a little freaked because I was relying on contraction timing to know when it was time to go to the hospital. Now I have no idea. Does anyone have any advice? Please?
P.S. I wrote the previous post yesterday and scheduled it to post this AM. That's why I have a long post when I should have been worried about the baby.
At the hospital, they found me to be 2cm dilated and 80% effaced. Baby is at -1 or -2 station. (They weren't sure.) My contractions increased and strengthened and went to about 3 minutes apart for an hour or so. They sent me out to walk for 2 hours, but when I came back, contractions were stronger and more painful, but still at 2-5 minutes apart, and there was nothing new with my cervix.
Now I'm at home with some pain medication, instructions to rest and eat and then walk, walk, walk, and to come back when it's time. My big question is this. How in the HELL do I know when it's time? My contractions are already pretty painful (though not unbearable.. just difficult to walk and speak through for some, just discomfort for others) and very frequent. What else is going to change if my water doesn't break to let me know it's time to go? More pain? I'm a little freaked because I was relying on contraction timing to know when it was time to go to the hospital. Now I have no idea. Does anyone have any advice? Please?
P.S. I wrote the previous post yesterday and scheduled it to post this AM. That's why I have a long post when I should have been worried about the baby.
But Everyone Else is Doing it!
So yeah.. I usually won't follow trends just to be a butthead, but I really like summing up this whole decade of my life in little blurbs thing like I've seen a bunch of other bloggers do. Thanks for letting me steal your ideas!
2000
May - Graduated from college with a B.S. in Biology PA. (Cum Laude thank you very much! I figure I have to be able to use that somewhere since it doesn't mean much now. haha)
End of May - headed for an awesome, once in a lifetime internship experience in Texas.
October - Beautiful Hub asked me to marry him after having dated 3 years. We were young, and I'm a big planner = long engagement.
November - Moved 7 hours away from home for my first full time job in my profession in central NY. Best thing I ever did for myself. Note that this does not mean it was the best experience. ;-)
2001
November - Took a new job with a better place, better pay etc that was only 5.5 hrs from home and 1.5 hrs from Hub. (Then Fiance)
Began trying to find out why I was always so tired and depressed and why my cycles were so long. Longest was during this time at 6 months. After testing but not looking for the correct things, I am told I have Seasonal Affective Disorder and that we'll worry about my cycles "when you try to conceive." Nice. I keep trying over the years, but nothing else is offered.
Tentatively started Visa process for Hub.
2002
Continued Visa process. Learned a LOT. Had civil ceremony just to make it easier to plan the big wedding. (the one we actually acknowledge as our anniversary)
2003
LOTS of wedding planning involving lots of stress, but also fun. We get married in PA in a beautiful ceremony in August and honeymoon in Antigua. If anyone needs a recommendation on a good resort there, let me know. I'll send you the info because we LOVED it.
2004
We decide that neither one of us is going where we want in our careers and that we don't have a lot of chances of that where we are. We love the area, but not the opportunities. Therefore, we begin the great debate of the best place to move for us both and decide on Florida for financial and other reasons. I apply for the jobs I want AND grad school so that we have options. We make the big move in September - without jobs but WITH a solid plan, nevertheless, scaring the bejesus out of our loved ones.
Both of us start working the first jobs we find and move out of our friends' living accommodations within 2 weeks of our big move.
October - I land my current job and am very happy about it. A nice pay raise follows, and we move out of our first very crappy, buggy, moldy apartment into a much nicer one.
2005
Hub goes back to school despite already having a double degree to pursue what he really loves. I'm all for it. :) It was all part of the plan on moving to FL.
I grow even more professionally.
2006
Our first nephew is born, bringing us lots of joy.
March - I am now 28 and Hub is 30. Our agreed upon time for when we can start trying to conceive. (I'd been feeling the urge for a while.) We throw caution to the wind and get excited. My cycles had gotten a smidgen better with our move, so I was hopeful.
May - Still on my usual 3 months without a period. Go to doctor and beg for help and testing. No ovulation. Clomid rounds, lots of misinformation, confusion and frustration follow.
Our second nephew is born. He's beautiful.
I later find my current FavoriteOB who helps a lot with the confusion and misinformation while I do more Clomid. Then he sends me on to an RE.
At this point, we somehow find time to visit Alaska - one of the greatest experiences I've had, and attend multiple family functions.
The RE diagnoses me with PCOS, but still insists my thyroid is fine despite the 5 level reading, family history and all my symptoms. Still, it's good to have a diagnosis. I really thought I didn't have it. Hub comes back low normal, but not the main problem.
Now it's all a jumbled mess. In here I begin herbs and acupuncture, have an endometrial biopsy with good results but awful recovery and dump my old RE before beginning full treatments with him. FavoriteOB refers me to a new doctor.
2007
Here's My Story. Somewhere in here (I don't care to research enough to re-live it), I go to the new RE who DOES diagnose hypothyroid and sends me to my Awesome Endo (later) who really takes care of things. I have an HSG and begin letrazole/Femara treatments followed by IUIs. One results in a chemical pregnancy or early miscarriage. A first try with Met is also in this year near the end.
August - We close on our first house!
I also have my laparoscopy and hysteroscopy this year - just before turning 30. All is clear.
October - 30th birthday trip to the Keys - still a little tender from the lap but worth it! Later finally diagnosed with Hashimoto's Thyroiditis by Awesome Endo. More puzzle pieces fall into place.
November - My Grandfather dies - rocking my world when I'm very vulnerable. Letrazole seems to lose its ability to help, though it was a much better drug than Clomid for me.
December - I add Gonal-F and double the Femara dose. The last IUI wasn't even a go. It failed completely.
2008
I completely give up on RE treatments and decide to focus on a healthier me emotionally and physically. I just can't take the roller coaster anymore, and the way we're going about conceiving with our RE just seems all wrong. If I'm not healthy, how am I going to carry a baby?
I switch all care to my Endo who gets me going for real with controlling my thyroid and using Met to stabilize me. We agree to not even think about conception right now other than to not use birth control.
I work through a lot of my crap. We talk about a lot about adoption, and our lives get a LOT better. .
Summer - We take a family trip across the country, I visit my family and attend Grandfather's internment, and we go to Europe for the first time ever. It was AMAAAAZING. I also get to meet other bloggers for the first time and decide that my team is no longer allowing me the growth I need.
August - Our five year wedding anniversary!
December - I begin a string of ovulating on my own (not regular in YEARS) after only doing it last time I was on Met, and we travel again for a Christmas family visit. I'm also accepted into a graduate certificate program for Conservation Biology. Life is good.
2009
Nephew number THREE is born this year and nephew number FOUR is announced!
January - I begin class and love it!
March - Hub finally gets the raise he deserves, and I get a job offer with a fabulous new team! 2009 is indeed a much better year.
May - The bomb hit our house. I am pregnant! This is the story.
I take one more class that I do well in and decide to postpone the rest of schooling for this wonderful new development.
And we find out that we are adding another BOY to the family! My babybutt will have FOUR male first cousins - 3 older, one younger.
Holy CRAP life is busy! And this is just a tiny snippet of the last ten years! Let's go 2010!
2000
May - Graduated from college with a B.S. in Biology PA. (Cum Laude thank you very much! I figure I have to be able to use that somewhere since it doesn't mean much now. haha)
End of May - headed for an awesome, once in a lifetime internship experience in Texas.
October - Beautiful Hub asked me to marry him after having dated 3 years. We were young, and I'm a big planner = long engagement.
November - Moved 7 hours away from home for my first full time job in my profession in central NY. Best thing I ever did for myself. Note that this does not mean it was the best experience. ;-)
2001
November - Took a new job with a better place, better pay etc that was only 5.5 hrs from home and 1.5 hrs from Hub. (Then Fiance)
Began trying to find out why I was always so tired and depressed and why my cycles were so long. Longest was during this time at 6 months. After testing but not looking for the correct things, I am told I have Seasonal Affective Disorder and that we'll worry about my cycles "when you try to conceive." Nice. I keep trying over the years, but nothing else is offered.
Tentatively started Visa process for Hub.
2002
Continued Visa process. Learned a LOT. Had civil ceremony just to make it easier to plan the big wedding. (the one we actually acknowledge as our anniversary)
2003
LOTS of wedding planning involving lots of stress, but also fun. We get married in PA in a beautiful ceremony in August and honeymoon in Antigua. If anyone needs a recommendation on a good resort there, let me know. I'll send you the info because we LOVED it.
2004
We decide that neither one of us is going where we want in our careers and that we don't have a lot of chances of that where we are. We love the area, but not the opportunities. Therefore, we begin the great debate of the best place to move for us both and decide on Florida for financial and other reasons. I apply for the jobs I want AND grad school so that we have options. We make the big move in September - without jobs but WITH a solid plan, nevertheless, scaring the bejesus out of our loved ones.
Both of us start working the first jobs we find and move out of our friends' living accommodations within 2 weeks of our big move.
October - I land my current job and am very happy about it. A nice pay raise follows, and we move out of our first very crappy, buggy, moldy apartment into a much nicer one.
2005
Hub goes back to school despite already having a double degree to pursue what he really loves. I'm all for it. :) It was all part of the plan on moving to FL.
I grow even more professionally.
2006
Our first nephew is born, bringing us lots of joy.
March - I am now 28 and Hub is 30. Our agreed upon time for when we can start trying to conceive. (I'd been feeling the urge for a while.) We throw caution to the wind and get excited. My cycles had gotten a smidgen better with our move, so I was hopeful.
May - Still on my usual 3 months without a period. Go to doctor and beg for help and testing. No ovulation. Clomid rounds, lots of misinformation, confusion and frustration follow.
Our second nephew is born. He's beautiful.
I later find my current FavoriteOB who helps a lot with the confusion and misinformation while I do more Clomid. Then he sends me on to an RE.
At this point, we somehow find time to visit Alaska - one of the greatest experiences I've had, and attend multiple family functions.
The RE diagnoses me with PCOS, but still insists my thyroid is fine despite the 5 level reading, family history and all my symptoms. Still, it's good to have a diagnosis. I really thought I didn't have it. Hub comes back low normal, but not the main problem.
Now it's all a jumbled mess. In here I begin herbs and acupuncture, have an endometrial biopsy with good results but awful recovery and dump my old RE before beginning full treatments with him. FavoriteOB refers me to a new doctor.
2007
Here's My Story. Somewhere in here (I don't care to research enough to re-live it), I go to the new RE who DOES diagnose hypothyroid and sends me to my Awesome Endo (later) who really takes care of things. I have an HSG and begin letrazole/Femara treatments followed by IUIs. One results in a chemical pregnancy or early miscarriage. A first try with Met is also in this year near the end.
August - We close on our first house!
I also have my laparoscopy and hysteroscopy this year - just before turning 30. All is clear.
October - 30th birthday trip to the Keys - still a little tender from the lap but worth it! Later finally diagnosed with Hashimoto's Thyroiditis by Awesome Endo. More puzzle pieces fall into place.
November - My Grandfather dies - rocking my world when I'm very vulnerable. Letrazole seems to lose its ability to help, though it was a much better drug than Clomid for me.
December - I add Gonal-F and double the Femara dose. The last IUI wasn't even a go. It failed completely.
2008
I completely give up on RE treatments and decide to focus on a healthier me emotionally and physically. I just can't take the roller coaster anymore, and the way we're going about conceiving with our RE just seems all wrong. If I'm not healthy, how am I going to carry a baby?
I switch all care to my Endo who gets me going for real with controlling my thyroid and using Met to stabilize me. We agree to not even think about conception right now other than to not use birth control.
I work through a lot of my crap. We talk about a lot about adoption, and our lives get a LOT better. .
Summer - We take a family trip across the country, I visit my family and attend Grandfather's internment, and we go to Europe for the first time ever. It was AMAAAAZING. I also get to meet other bloggers for the first time and decide that my team is no longer allowing me the growth I need.
August - Our five year wedding anniversary!
December - I begin a string of ovulating on my own (not regular in YEARS) after only doing it last time I was on Met, and we travel again for a Christmas family visit. I'm also accepted into a graduate certificate program for Conservation Biology. Life is good.
2009
Nephew number THREE is born this year and nephew number FOUR is announced!
January - I begin class and love it!
March - Hub finally gets the raise he deserves, and I get a job offer with a fabulous new team! 2009 is indeed a much better year.
May - The bomb hit our house. I am pregnant! This is the story.
I take one more class that I do well in and decide to postpone the rest of schooling for this wonderful new development.
And we find out that we are adding another BOY to the family! My babybutt will have FOUR male first cousins - 3 older, one younger.
Holy CRAP life is busy! And this is just a tiny snippet of the last ten years! Let's go 2010!
Friday, January 1, 2010
Fear and Exhilaration
Recently I decided that pregnancy is for me, very much like a trip by plane. Years ago, I had a string of very bad experiences during flights that led to me developing high anxiety every time a trip approached. I still went through the process anyway because I knew I had to for my desired result, but it was hard on me emotionally and physically.
I would be tense with trepidation as I boarded and would sit with baited breath as we taxied. Though the power of take-off for me was always an exhilarating experience filled with the excitement of my trip, I was also aware that take-off is considered one of the riskier moments of air travel. So I'd grip the armrests and try my best to hide the conflicted swirlings of my emotions.
Then that blessed moment of peace would come when the captain would announce that we'd reached our cruising altitude and could move about the cabin. Being someone who researches the heck out of things that scare or concern me, I knew this was a relatively "safe" time. I could breathe easier, do some crosswords if it didn't aggravate my motion sickness, and get up for that anxiety pee that had been poking my bladder in earnest. On my better days, I could even rest my head against the wall for a relaxing snooze. All I had to worry about were possible turbulence that may not even come, and the ways in which I was going to enjoy our upcoming vacation. I often wouldn't even think about the landing. I prefer to take each moment as it comes to deal with it.
Just as I'd completely relaxed though, I would feel those changes in altitude. Following that was the announcement that we had begun our descent into "X" airport. That always thrilled me because it meant we were so close to a new experience, and travel is one of my favorite things in the world. At the same time though, we'd have to land to get there - yet another of the "riskier" moments, and one that always scared me because I couldn't feel those strong engines lifting us up like I could during take-off. It feels to me much like a graceful fall, which I suppose it is.
So down we'd go. Again, I'd be gripping the armrests. Except this time I would stare at the ground and think about our chances of survival after a possible crash with each descent. In my head I'd chant, "almost there, almost there," before touch down allowed me to breathe out in a woosh of relief and pure happiness at our arrival.
With Hub's love and help and with a lot more positive flight experiences under my belt, I eventually began to relax enough to enjoy flight again. (Because despite all this, I truly do love planes and enjoy the amazing experience of flight. Having an Air Force pilot for a Grandfather didn't hurt.) I hope for pregnancy to be the same. The experience of getting to this point was filled with a lot of trials and pain while the beginning of pregnancy was amazing, terrifying, exciting and horrible. I finally developed a kind of peace during the second trimester and began enjoying the baby in my womb without so much fear. I thought perhaps I had conquered the nerves. But now I'm at the end. I'm at that point again where we start to worry about declining amniotic fluid, reduced fetal movement and the breakdown of the placenta. Then of course there's always the chance of need for induction, c-section or other intervention. I'm finding this stage almost as scary as the beginning. The only thing that makes it better is the fact that I can feel the little stinker in there and touch his actual body parts with love. But when he doesn't move as he usually does? Well, then I panic just a little. And just the thought of anything jeopardizing this little one makes the thought of dealing with a plane crash and my mortality an almost easy thing to bear in comparison. I never understood that. I never could have imagined that... until now. Almost there... almost there.
I would be tense with trepidation as I boarded and would sit with baited breath as we taxied. Though the power of take-off for me was always an exhilarating experience filled with the excitement of my trip, I was also aware that take-off is considered one of the riskier moments of air travel. So I'd grip the armrests and try my best to hide the conflicted swirlings of my emotions.
Then that blessed moment of peace would come when the captain would announce that we'd reached our cruising altitude and could move about the cabin. Being someone who researches the heck out of things that scare or concern me, I knew this was a relatively "safe" time. I could breathe easier, do some crosswords if it didn't aggravate my motion sickness, and get up for that anxiety pee that had been poking my bladder in earnest. On my better days, I could even rest my head against the wall for a relaxing snooze. All I had to worry about were possible turbulence that may not even come, and the ways in which I was going to enjoy our upcoming vacation. I often wouldn't even think about the landing. I prefer to take each moment as it comes to deal with it.
Just as I'd completely relaxed though, I would feel those changes in altitude. Following that was the announcement that we had begun our descent into "X" airport. That always thrilled me because it meant we were so close to a new experience, and travel is one of my favorite things in the world. At the same time though, we'd have to land to get there - yet another of the "riskier" moments, and one that always scared me because I couldn't feel those strong engines lifting us up like I could during take-off. It feels to me much like a graceful fall, which I suppose it is.
So down we'd go. Again, I'd be gripping the armrests. Except this time I would stare at the ground and think about our chances of survival after a possible crash with each descent. In my head I'd chant, "almost there, almost there," before touch down allowed me to breathe out in a woosh of relief and pure happiness at our arrival.
With Hub's love and help and with a lot more positive flight experiences under my belt, I eventually began to relax enough to enjoy flight again. (Because despite all this, I truly do love planes and enjoy the amazing experience of flight. Having an Air Force pilot for a Grandfather didn't hurt.) I hope for pregnancy to be the same. The experience of getting to this point was filled with a lot of trials and pain while the beginning of pregnancy was amazing, terrifying, exciting and horrible. I finally developed a kind of peace during the second trimester and began enjoying the baby in my womb without so much fear. I thought perhaps I had conquered the nerves. But now I'm at the end. I'm at that point again where we start to worry about declining amniotic fluid, reduced fetal movement and the breakdown of the placenta. Then of course there's always the chance of need for induction, c-section or other intervention. I'm finding this stage almost as scary as the beginning. The only thing that makes it better is the fact that I can feel the little stinker in there and touch his actual body parts with love. But when he doesn't move as he usually does? Well, then I panic just a little. And just the thought of anything jeopardizing this little one makes the thought of dealing with a plane crash and my mortality an almost easy thing to bear in comparison. I never understood that. I never could have imagined that... until now. Almost there... almost there.
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