Whirlwind

This coming week I head up to see my Grandfather's burial in Arlington National Cemetery. I'm sure it will be emotional enough that it will prompt some deep posts. Either that, or I'll find it too overwhelming to post anything. We shall see.

I hope there aren't too many questions about why we don't have babies. Many of the people who will be there know the story, so maybe that won't be the case. All attention should be on recent additions to the family anyway. Hubs and I are moving closer to some ideas on what we're trying next. I think we've both agreed that there will be more trying. This current cycle doesn't seem to be the best either, so that's dimming our hope of my cycles fixing themselves and us having a wonderful "surprise." When will we ever learn eh?

Our dear friends have made it safely back across the ocean. We miss them, and they're already planning to come back when it's not so hot. (Hot in Florida? Never. ;) They are such knowledgeable and interesting people. It's so nice to discuss life with them. They have faced some of what we have with concern over possible inability to have biological children. They really do get it. It's always somewhat healing to talk to another woman about that subject and see in her eyes that she's felt the same pain you have. It's a bonding experience I wish we never shared, but it does bring you closer.

I've been popping in here and there to check in on you all. It's hard to keep up right now. Bear with me. I even have other ideas for posts, but they swirl around in my head and don't get written because of the whirlwind that is my current existence.

mutterings

Visiting with friends is absolutely wonderful, but that also means that I can't be commenting or even reading that much. I'm trying to stay abreast of things here and there. It's really cool though to see the U.S. through the eyes of an international traveler who really likes us! (He really likes us! - sorry. had to.)

I'm traveling again soon too. I guess my life is a little whirlwind right now huh? Oh, and that home improvement project? Still not fun. Turns out that the part we need for our shower likely isn't made anymore, and we're going to have to pay a plumber to come in and re-pipe it. That's a word right? "Re-pipe?" If it isn't, it ought to be.

FCiF out.

FYI

Word to the wise: Do not attempt a very involved home improvement project without the aid of a professional.

I might just pull all my hair out by the end of this.

Counting my Blessings

I've done a lot of whining lately. And I have to explain that a little bit. I have to admit that a lot of it is that I feel entitled. Yes. I said it. I feel entitled. I've often thought that's a very bad trait in people. Does that make me bad? I have no idea, but that's just how I feel. It's just that when you work your ass off to get to where you are, and continue to work your ass off, you'd like to see something come from it right? I always believed that's all it took - hard work. I always said, "You MAKE things happen for yourself." The problem is, you see improvement for a while until you reach this point of diminishing returns - especially in this time, in this country. I worked to pay my way through college and continue to pay off the debts. We paid for Hub's visa, our wedding and all our moves completely on our own. Now we pay for his continued schooling so that he can better himself. We've done everything we can to move ahead in life and even managed to do it without credit card debt. I know most people are in similar boats right now with the economy, but hey... do you think I could maybe have a baby? We're scared sh*tless of state adoption right now and can't afford any other kind. Maybe I could just get pregnant. You there God?

I think the main problem is that Hub and I have mainly headed for enrichment in the emotional aspect of our lives. And it's the rare person who can do that AND get ahead money-wise. But that leads me to what I really want to say. I want to count my blessings. There are so many things I AM lucky to have and been very fortunate in that I need to remember. Then maybe I won't feel so entitled anymore....

1. I have a beautiful marriage to a beautiful man. The logistics of being together were difficult to manage, but we fell head over heels in love pretty easily and haven't had many hitches in the emotional aspects of our connection. I always tell him that he's "my favorite."

2. I am passionate about my work. I love it with every fiber of my being. Even though that can cause problems in how I view work, I'm glad I've had that experience.

3. My family is AWE-SOME. I don't know how I got lucky enough to be born into a family with some of the greatest people in the world, but I was. They have given me every good trait I have. I will thank them forever for their love and dedication.

4. I have had some really wonderful friends in my time.

5. I was given intelligence enough that I could make something of myself with sheer grit.

6. Hub and I have had the opportunity to see the world beyond what we were born into and to experience some really amazing things. Traveling is a great joy in my life. (My Grandparents deserve a lot of thanks for that.)

7. Neither Hub, nor I have any major mental malfunctions and are both reasonably healthy.

And basically, I feel like we live a life true to who we are... as a couple and as individuals. That's the thing I'm most concerned about in life, so I'm so happy that's the case. I think that we've met our goals of being the "real" us and trying to make a difference in the world the best we can. Right after Grandfather died, my Dad told me that Grandfather once said to him, "You know what I like about your daughter? She is who she is and doesn't pretend to be otherwise." I don't know how true that is all the time, but it made me feel really really good. I know Grandfather didn't always agree with who I wanted to be, but I think he definitely respected my will to be so.

There. I feel much better now. Thanks for reading.

Our Beautiful Coastline

As a current Floridian, this subject is very important to me. If you're interested, click here to read about opposition to dropping the moratorium on oil drilling off the Florida coasts. The article makes a good point that starting the process now will not affect prices at the pumps today. However, they don't say that in addition to that, drilling in a new area of the U.S. really isn't enough to reduce our dependence on foreign oil and lower our costs. The only thing that will do that is investment in alternative energy sources. We are going to run out of all oil in not that many years anyway. It's only going to get worse, and oil rich nations are certainly going to keep most of it for themselves as supplies dwindle. Then they'll charge an arm and a leg for what they do send out.

I'm sorry I've been somewhat absent. I really appreciate your comments and saw a lot of interesting ones that I would like to answer in a post or in the comments later, but I've been planning for visitors and working hard. Thanks for stopping by so much!

ETA: There are now some comments from me in the comments of the past few posts. I'll be writing a post soon discussing some of the holding pattern comments I think. There's a lot of juicy stuff there. :)

One Good Deed

It's amazing how much difference one random good deed can make in your life - no matter how small. It's also amazing how much that one good deed can spread. For just a little while my faith in humanity and in luck and good fortune has been bolstered. Thanks for that Freyja. Most of my thoughts toward fortune and humanity have veered more toward despair lately. I needed that break.

Holding Pattern

During a recent conversation with friends, Hub said something that has resonated within me since. We were discussing IF and the choices made because of it. I mentioned how I had tried to find out what was wrong with me long before we started actively trying to conceive, but that the doctor had said, "We'll deal with that when you're ready to get pregnant."

Hub said, "If we had known about the PCOS and difficulties we would have, I would have wanted to start earlier than we did." You'd think that may make me feel sad or introspective, but in some weird way it made me feel good. I think it's because it's firm proof that he is as affected by this as I am, and that he definitely wants to be a father. We started later partly because Hub was desperate to wait until he was 30 before starting. I was ready much before he was. I think he thought it would happen fairly quickly. It's just nice to be in the same boat together now.

Now we're in this weird holding pattern. It would be foolish of us to spend the money on another IUI right now, and I'm not so sure I want to leave the comfortable me I've just rediscovered. Besides, if we do have a baby, this economy and our financial situation are not the best. It just sucks that we get older as it goes on. It's like both of us hope that if we look the other way, maybe my body will miraculously start working and I'll have a successful pregnancy. Then we can say, "It was God's will! We'll make it work somehow!" Hey, it happens to other people right? People who had been told it would never happen? Why can't that be us? We bristle when others tell us about these "miracle stories" in the implication that it will happen for us if we're just patient. So why do we want so badly to believe it ourselves?