My Aunt is not doing well. I only get updates third hand because she lives in my family's home far from here. But basically the doctors don't really know for sure other than to say that it's not good. She's currently in a coma. I think we're supposed to learn more tonight. My heart is very heavy with the fact that we could lose her. I was going to see her again in July. She's such a vibrant, integral part of our family, and she's only in her late 60's. How can this happen? What is so awful is that her heart has stabilized. Complications after the heart attack are what's killing her. It's all just so maddening.
Much of the family is convinced that she can fight through this. She's nothing if not a fighter. I'm trying to hold onto that flicker of hope. My cousin (her daughter) told this story from the night of the attack to illustrate her iron will:
Aunt had been having pain for a while before finally telling her daughter to call the ambulance. As the ambulance was on its way, Aunt began having difficulty breathing, and the pain was so intense she could barely talk.
Uncle dashed into the bedroom to change his shirt. He walked into Aunt's view as he was buttoning it. Aunt took one look at him and said between strained breaths, "Hon... you're... buttoning it....... wrong."
Uncle obediently began re-buttoning his shirt right up to the tippy top button around the neckline. Aunt rolled her eyes toward him again and grunted, "Leave... the top... one... open. It looks.... stupid."
That is so Aunt to do that everyone who heard the story had to chuckle at her cheek. She is always last on her list of worries and so in charge and conscious of what's going on around her. She's also full of plain, down home style piss and vinegar in addition to her warmth and kindness. I'm trying to think about all that positive stuff until we know more.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Excuses, Excuses
I fear I am going to be very distracted for the next few weeks. Please don't take it personally if I don't visit my usual haunts for a while. My Aunt had a massive heart attack the other day, and with complications from it, she's still not out of the woods. That is taking up a lot of my thoughts.
Secondly, Hub's passport came through, and we leave for Europe next week. We'll be there for about a week. I'm running around like a crazy woman to get everything arranged. I'm very excited, but very nervous about this first overseas trip and worried about something happening with my Aunt while we're gone.
Last (and definitely least), I'm on cycle day 24 and am spotting. I have not ovulated, nor should I be seeing AF yet. Odd. Take care, and I'll be updating when I can. Thanks once again for your continuing and wonderful support on my "Hashing Part 3" post. It really is a help.
Secondly, Hub's passport came through, and we leave for Europe next week. We'll be there for about a week. I'm running around like a crazy woman to get everything arranged. I'm very excited, but very nervous about this first overseas trip and worried about something happening with my Aunt while we're gone.
Last (and definitely least), I'm on cycle day 24 and am spotting. I have not ovulated, nor should I be seeing AF yet. Odd. Take care, and I'll be updating when I can. Thanks once again for your continuing and wonderful support on my "Hashing Part 3" post. It really is a help.
Monday, May 26, 2008
Like Crack for the Imagination
I've been finished with the whole Twilight series for a while now, and I still can't get them out of my head! The new book comes out in August and the movie in December. I have watched the trailer probably about 6 times. I find myself absolutely delighted that most of the characters in the movie closely mirror what I thought they should look like. What is wrong with me?? The books are good, but I've certainly read more finely crafted material. I think Stephenie Meyer has patented a new kind of reading crack. Is that the most addictive drug? Maybe it's nicotine. Whatever. Crack sounds more impressive.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Your Responses
Per all your comments on my last post, I can only say wow. Wow and thanks for all the encouragement, advice and empathy I found in your words. Thank you also for the compliments. It always seems a little surreal to me since I look to so many of you as people who inspire me and who are very good writers. I learn bits and pieces from all of you every day, so it means a lot to me when you compliment the way I've written something; especially when it's something so personal and difficult.
To further add to the warm fuzzies; as I mentioned before, Malloryn honored me with a blurb and the "pink rose award" created by Kymberli at I'm a Smart One (and she is too!). Since I'm still floating on all those happy clouds, I'm just going to put it out there and say that I think all of you deserve such awards daily in your lives. All of you who comment on others' blogs to make them feel good, all who write to help themselves and hope that it helps others too, and all those who have been through so much heartache but still have the energy to give back. You deserve a little something like this in your lives each and every day.
OK, I think I've dealt enough sappy pie for the day, so it's on to answering the question some of you asked. I mentioned possible criticism in my previous post because I was worried that I may offend some adoptive parents. I didn't want them to think that I in any way thought that adoption was a less valid means to become parents than procreation. I also thought there may be a few out there who think that it really is self-centered of me to be so stuck on the idea of a biological child, and to be so afraid of the rigors of adoption that it hinders my movement toward that goal. I know most of you can totally empathize with the things I say, but you never know who might read your blog, and I've seen people bash others for being worried about adoption before. It's so sad, but it happens. I guess it was just my way of throwing up a little shield to protect myself in case it happened. I find myself doing that a lot. I guess at one time I would have thought that having to shield one's self was a sad thing. However, now I know that it's just a manner of growing up and learning to deal.
To further add to the warm fuzzies; as I mentioned before, Malloryn honored me with a blurb and the "pink rose award" created by Kymberli at I'm a Smart One (and she is too!). Since I'm still floating on all those happy clouds, I'm just going to put it out there and say that I think all of you deserve such awards daily in your lives. All of you who comment on others' blogs to make them feel good, all who write to help themselves and hope that it helps others too, and all those who have been through so much heartache but still have the energy to give back. You deserve a little something like this in your lives each and every day.OK, I think I've dealt enough sappy pie for the day, so it's on to answering the question some of you asked. I mentioned possible criticism in my previous post because I was worried that I may offend some adoptive parents. I didn't want them to think that I in any way thought that adoption was a less valid means to become parents than procreation. I also thought there may be a few out there who think that it really is self-centered of me to be so stuck on the idea of a biological child, and to be so afraid of the rigors of adoption that it hinders my movement toward that goal. I know most of you can totally empathize with the things I say, but you never know who might read your blog, and I've seen people bash others for being worried about adoption before. It's so sad, but it happens. I guess it was just my way of throwing up a little shield to protect myself in case it happened. I find myself doing that a lot. I guess at one time I would have thought that having to shield one's self was a sad thing. However, now I know that it's just a manner of growing up and learning to deal.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Hashing it Out Part 3 - The BIG decisions
All righty. I guess I'll have to heave a big sigh and finally delve into this subject. I really want to just to get it off my chest, but it's a lot to think about and organize in my head.
Ovulating on my own has started to really confuse me. It gave me hope for my own body again even though I know that hope is somewhat misguided. It made me realize how very very much I want to have a pregnancy. It even made me question for a moment whether I wouldn't reconsider IVF. (I'm not by the way)
At the same time, I've started to grasp the complications and heartache that come along with adoption as well. I know you can't know until you do it, but there are just so many things of which I am terrified. We would be going through state adoption, and I know that we will probably not be chosen for quite a few children before we finally adopt. How long with that take? And how heartbreaking with that be? I just don't know if I can go through even more rejection after my own body has abandoned me. To me, it's even worse with adoption, because it's going to feel like now people are determining that I'm not fit to be a mother to someone.
The homestudy is another arm of this fear. I know it may seem odd since I have this blog and all, but my home and private life are very important to me. Sometimes I don't even like people just to drop by, I'm that private. How am I going to handle someone invading my personal space, judging the way we live (which I'm very touchy about since we don't have the money to fix up the house the way we want), and asking me such private questions? Then, even after we would get a placement, we have to endure it for quite a while more as they "check-in" with our family. I completely understand that this is the best thing for the child, but even just thinking about it makes me feel raw and vulnerable.
And finally, with State adoption, I know that the vast majority of those children were not given up willingly, and that most of them will be older. I just strongly feel that with the fact that we both have to work full time and more, we don't have the time we need to bond with a child who has already known another life. I also feel that we aren't equipped to deal with an older child from the get-go. If we had already raised a child through those stages, I might think so. But having had no experience as parents, we are apprehensive about jumping right in like that.
All these thoughts have only again reinforced how badly I want to have a pregnancy. When I was younger and more shallow, I used to think that people shouldn't place such a high premium on having a biological child. "Love is love!" I would think. "Why should it matter?" But it does. I know that the bond would still be there. My sister is actually my step-sister, and I can't believe that I love her any less than I would were we related by blood. And my nephew... well, if she couldn't raise him for some reason, I could already take him in as my own, that's how dearly and closely I love him. And it really doesn't matter. However, I still have thought at times that I would like to know what it's like to have a biological sibling. It took a lot of guilt before I understood that that doesn't make me love my sister any less. It just means I have a lot of wistful questions as to how it would be. I will always regret a little that I never knew what that was like.
Take those feelings and translate them into having a child, and they become a bigger issue for me. The closer I come to losing all hope at getting pregnant, the more I hold on to the dreams I had. I want to carry my husband's child. I want to be tied together by that amazing experience. I want to see his eyes light up and hear his infectious laugh when he first sees the baby moving inside me. I want to deliberate on whether it will have Grandma's nose or Daddy's hands. I want to be together in the delivery room as we experience what I consider one of the greatest miracles and cry as we touch his or her little fingers. I want to look at this little life that we created together, out of our love and know that someday he or she will create little lives of his or her own. We're both from completely different cultures. I want to see them blend and merge into this little child - a tie that binds it all together. And I know that Hub wants many of the same things.
I've avoided saying many of these things because at one time, I would have considered them very selfish. But I think I've matured enough through all this to understand that it is what it is. It's healthy and natural to have some of these thoughts. I need to work through them a little better before I can feel like I would be the best Mom I could be to an adopted child. I know I would love that child unconditionally. But I don't want all these wistful regrets hanging so thickly in the air around him or her. The main thing is, when I have my child, I want them to have the best chances possible at a wonderful life. So for me to feel comfortable, I need to be in a really good place about adoption before we go through with it.
So here is what we've come up with:
We wait a few cycles to see how my body is working for sure.
Then we do one more medicated IUI - possibly with another clinic where the doctor actually pays more individualized attention to their patients' whole health. I need this last try since my 3rd IUI was a complete no-go.
If this does not result in a pregnancy (and possibly even if it does, but later on) we will begin the State sponsored adoption classes.
If the State system really seems too hard for us, we consider asking some family members who have expressed the desire to help for a partial loan to help us with the costs of private domestic adoption. We will hopefully be able to pay them back with tax rebates and a lot of hard work.
It feels good to have some plan. I hope this one works out for us. I have a sneaking suspicion though that we will be heading for the last 2 options rather quickly. I know I'm opening myself up to a lot of criticism by posting this, but I had to put it out there - somewhere. I had to ease my own mind.
Ovulating on my own has started to really confuse me. It gave me hope for my own body again even though I know that hope is somewhat misguided. It made me realize how very very much I want to have a pregnancy. It even made me question for a moment whether I wouldn't reconsider IVF. (I'm not by the way)
At the same time, I've started to grasp the complications and heartache that come along with adoption as well. I know you can't know until you do it, but there are just so many things of which I am terrified. We would be going through state adoption, and I know that we will probably not be chosen for quite a few children before we finally adopt. How long with that take? And how heartbreaking with that be? I just don't know if I can go through even more rejection after my own body has abandoned me. To me, it's even worse with adoption, because it's going to feel like now people are determining that I'm not fit to be a mother to someone.
The homestudy is another arm of this fear. I know it may seem odd since I have this blog and all, but my home and private life are very important to me. Sometimes I don't even like people just to drop by, I'm that private. How am I going to handle someone invading my personal space, judging the way we live (which I'm very touchy about since we don't have the money to fix up the house the way we want), and asking me such private questions? Then, even after we would get a placement, we have to endure it for quite a while more as they "check-in" with our family. I completely understand that this is the best thing for the child, but even just thinking about it makes me feel raw and vulnerable.
And finally, with State adoption, I know that the vast majority of those children were not given up willingly, and that most of them will be older. I just strongly feel that with the fact that we both have to work full time and more, we don't have the time we need to bond with a child who has already known another life. I also feel that we aren't equipped to deal with an older child from the get-go. If we had already raised a child through those stages, I might think so. But having had no experience as parents, we are apprehensive about jumping right in like that.
All these thoughts have only again reinforced how badly I want to have a pregnancy. When I was younger and more shallow, I used to think that people shouldn't place such a high premium on having a biological child. "Love is love!" I would think. "Why should it matter?" But it does. I know that the bond would still be there. My sister is actually my step-sister, and I can't believe that I love her any less than I would were we related by blood. And my nephew... well, if she couldn't raise him for some reason, I could already take him in as my own, that's how dearly and closely I love him. And it really doesn't matter. However, I still have thought at times that I would like to know what it's like to have a biological sibling. It took a lot of guilt before I understood that that doesn't make me love my sister any less. It just means I have a lot of wistful questions as to how it would be. I will always regret a little that I never knew what that was like.
Take those feelings and translate them into having a child, and they become a bigger issue for me. The closer I come to losing all hope at getting pregnant, the more I hold on to the dreams I had. I want to carry my husband's child. I want to be tied together by that amazing experience. I want to see his eyes light up and hear his infectious laugh when he first sees the baby moving inside me. I want to deliberate on whether it will have Grandma's nose or Daddy's hands. I want to be together in the delivery room as we experience what I consider one of the greatest miracles and cry as we touch his or her little fingers. I want to look at this little life that we created together, out of our love and know that someday he or she will create little lives of his or her own. We're both from completely different cultures. I want to see them blend and merge into this little child - a tie that binds it all together. And I know that Hub wants many of the same things.
I've avoided saying many of these things because at one time, I would have considered them very selfish. But I think I've matured enough through all this to understand that it is what it is. It's healthy and natural to have some of these thoughts. I need to work through them a little better before I can feel like I would be the best Mom I could be to an adopted child. I know I would love that child unconditionally. But I don't want all these wistful regrets hanging so thickly in the air around him or her. The main thing is, when I have my child, I want them to have the best chances possible at a wonderful life. So for me to feel comfortable, I need to be in a really good place about adoption before we go through with it.
So here is what we've come up with:
We wait a few cycles to see how my body is working for sure.
Then we do one more medicated IUI - possibly with another clinic where the doctor actually pays more individualized attention to their patients' whole health. I need this last try since my 3rd IUI was a complete no-go.
If this does not result in a pregnancy (and possibly even if it does, but later on) we will begin the State sponsored adoption classes.
If the State system really seems too hard for us, we consider asking some family members who have expressed the desire to help for a partial loan to help us with the costs of private domestic adoption. We will hopefully be able to pay them back with tax rebates and a lot of hard work.
It feels good to have some plan. I hope this one works out for us. I have a sneaking suspicion though that we will be heading for the last 2 options rather quickly. I know I'm opening myself up to a lot of criticism by posting this, but I had to put it out there - somewhere. I had to ease my own mind.
Monday, May 19, 2008
I'm Becoming a Social Butterfly
Yesterday was fun! We were supposed to have a Florida bloggers' meeting that encompassed a very large central portion of the state. When I arrived at the restaurant (late) however, I was abashed to find that it would just be 2 of us, and I had kept poor Jen waiting for too long! Some parts of her city are about 40 minutes from me, and other parts are a good 50 or 60 miles away. I didn't even check, and hers was more the 50-some miles type. oops. Sorry Jen!
She, however, was quite gracious. She had told us to look for a red polo and pretty ribbons in her hair. Yes, that is just as cute as it sounds. (sorry again Jen if you dislike being called "cute." ;) We met at a Mexican restaurant and were seated quite quickly. Jen ordered a yummy trio of dips that I thoroughly enjoyed. I shocked myself by loving the bean dip even more than the cheese, the salsa or the sour cream/guacamole combo. I am not a bean girl. She ordered some enchiladas (I think) and I got one of my all-time favorites; tortilla soup.
We began talking immediately. We talked so much that I think the poor waiter felt quite superfluous. We hardly even acknowledged him. I found Jen just as funny, compassionate, and intelligent as she appears to be through her writing. This was the first time I've ever met someone in person after reading their blog, and it was kind of cool. I really enjoyed talking about our little community. It's nice to have another person (Stephanie was the first) to share this stuff with. I know that if I say, "Mel said this," or "Farah said that," that she will get what I'm saying. Too cool.
Conceive Magazine (there's your blurb if you were looking for it! ;-) sent us goodie bags which was really nice of them. I found the Resolve magazine particularly helpful. We had a good laugh though over an ad insert for the Conception Curve Positioning Pillow. I realized that I have never even tried to "prop my hips up." We then had an epiphany that perhaps that has been my problem all along! If I just bought this $70 pillow, I'd be pregnant in a month!!! At least, that's what happened for "Katie Barnes, successful Conception Curve user!" She has been trying for 5 whole months before thinking of the pillow and BAM! First time she used it - SUCCESS!
Forgive me for I am a bitter old infertile.
After our lovely lunch, I zoomed back home to get ready for my date with Hub. I had snagged 2 free movie tickets (with no restrictions!!), and we were headed to see Prince Caspian. We haven't had a "date night" in a while, so that was really nice. As for the movie, it seems I am in the minority in my preference for the first one. Prince Caspian was good, don't get me wrong, but the book is such that you have to add things to it to make a movie or it would be woefully short and boring. I don't mind the addition of some scenes, but a few of them changed characters' personalities quite a bit. That - I don't like. Furthermore, the movie was 2 hrs and 20 mins long. They didn't need to add that much. It was cute though, and I loved seeing some of my favorite animal characters from the books. I'm really looking forward to The Voyage of the Dawn Treader because they shouldn't have to add much at all to that.
The Hub and I then came home and spent some quality time together. *wink* We've been in a really good place recently, and I'm loving that. Thanks to both the Hub and Jen for giving me a day where I started to feel a lot more like me than I have in a long time. I felt strong, interesting and interested in all aspects of life. That is a good day.
She, however, was quite gracious. She had told us to look for a red polo and pretty ribbons in her hair. Yes, that is just as cute as it sounds. (sorry again Jen if you dislike being called "cute." ;) We met at a Mexican restaurant and were seated quite quickly. Jen ordered a yummy trio of dips that I thoroughly enjoyed. I shocked myself by loving the bean dip even more than the cheese, the salsa or the sour cream/guacamole combo. I am not a bean girl. She ordered some enchiladas (I think) and I got one of my all-time favorites; tortilla soup.
We began talking immediately. We talked so much that I think the poor waiter felt quite superfluous. We hardly even acknowledged him. I found Jen just as funny, compassionate, and intelligent as she appears to be through her writing. This was the first time I've ever met someone in person after reading their blog, and it was kind of cool. I really enjoyed talking about our little community. It's nice to have another person (Stephanie was the first) to share this stuff with. I know that if I say, "Mel said this," or "Farah said that," that she will get what I'm saying. Too cool.
Conceive Magazine (there's your blurb if you were looking for it! ;-) sent us goodie bags which was really nice of them. I found the Resolve magazine particularly helpful. We had a good laugh though over an ad insert for the Conception Curve Positioning Pillow. I realized that I have never even tried to "prop my hips up." We then had an epiphany that perhaps that has been my problem all along! If I just bought this $70 pillow, I'd be pregnant in a month!!! At least, that's what happened for "Katie Barnes, successful Conception Curve user!" She has been trying for 5 whole months before thinking of the pillow and BAM! First time she used it - SUCCESS!
Forgive me for I am a bitter old infertile.
After our lovely lunch, I zoomed back home to get ready for my date with Hub. I had snagged 2 free movie tickets (with no restrictions!!), and we were headed to see Prince Caspian. We haven't had a "date night" in a while, so that was really nice. As for the movie, it seems I am in the minority in my preference for the first one. Prince Caspian was good, don't get me wrong, but the book is such that you have to add things to it to make a movie or it would be woefully short and boring. I don't mind the addition of some scenes, but a few of them changed characters' personalities quite a bit. That - I don't like. Furthermore, the movie was 2 hrs and 20 mins long. They didn't need to add that much. It was cute though, and I loved seeing some of my favorite animal characters from the books. I'm really looking forward to The Voyage of the Dawn Treader because they shouldn't have to add much at all to that.
The Hub and I then came home and spent some quality time together. *wink* We've been in a really good place recently, and I'm loving that. Thanks to both the Hub and Jen for giving me a day where I started to feel a lot more like me than I have in a long time. I felt strong, interesting and interested in all aspects of life. That is a good day.
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Completely Random Thoughts
And nooooow the humidity sets in. I guess Summer is here to stay. Oh well. At least here I'm only truly miserable with the weather for about 3 months of the year. That's cool.
I really, truly do want to write that post about dealing with adoption vs. ARTs and all that, but I just can't get into it right now. I think I'm a bit depressed about it to tell the truth. I will probably get to it within the next few days though.
Malloryn has honored me with a very sweet little blurb. I will get to that at some point as well. I've learned not to push these things because it ends up so much better if I write what I'm feeling at any given time.
Something I was thinking about today... I've always wondered why I can handle seeing tons of pregnant woman and children every day and not be too bothered by it, but when it's someone I have to see regularly, or who I care about, it's sometimes a knife twist in the gut. I don't even cringe too much when passing the infant section of a department store anymore. But I had an "A-HA!" today. It seems simple. You'd think I would have come to it earlier. I really think that I have pulled back from anything baby related. I used to coo and aaaaw over teeny tiny shoes in stores, or show Hub the latest toddler toy in excitement, but anymore I almost feel like it doesn't interest me. I also am far less interested in talking about the mechanics of pregnancy than I used to be even though I still find it miraculous. To protect myself, and because I can't relate right now, I've put up a wall of disinterest between me and the whole baby world. I see a pregnant stranger on a walk with her toddler, and I may feel a pinch of jealousy, but it's fleeting, and my eyes almost skip over the protruding belly without seeing it. However, when it's a loved one or someone I have to face every single day, I can't put up that wall. I care far too much. Therefore, although I'm showing them my love and opening myself up to loving their child, it also opens up the old wounds of bitterness, envy and regret. To love them properly, I have to be willing to accept that. I'm not saying I love them perfectly or in the way they deserve since I'm carrying all this baggage, but I do try to be "normal." Even though there are moments where a photo or a word will make me suck in my breath, it's all worth it to be a part of their lives. I just wish I could join in the fun.
I really, truly do want to write that post about dealing with adoption vs. ARTs and all that, but I just can't get into it right now. I think I'm a bit depressed about it to tell the truth. I will probably get to it within the next few days though.
Malloryn has honored me with a very sweet little blurb. I will get to that at some point as well. I've learned not to push these things because it ends up so much better if I write what I'm feeling at any given time.
Something I was thinking about today... I've always wondered why I can handle seeing tons of pregnant woman and children every day and not be too bothered by it, but when it's someone I have to see regularly, or who I care about, it's sometimes a knife twist in the gut. I don't even cringe too much when passing the infant section of a department store anymore. But I had an "A-HA!" today. It seems simple. You'd think I would have come to it earlier. I really think that I have pulled back from anything baby related. I used to coo and aaaaw over teeny tiny shoes in stores, or show Hub the latest toddler toy in excitement, but anymore I almost feel like it doesn't interest me. I also am far less interested in talking about the mechanics of pregnancy than I used to be even though I still find it miraculous. To protect myself, and because I can't relate right now, I've put up a wall of disinterest between me and the whole baby world. I see a pregnant stranger on a walk with her toddler, and I may feel a pinch of jealousy, but it's fleeting, and my eyes almost skip over the protruding belly without seeing it. However, when it's a loved one or someone I have to face every single day, I can't put up that wall. I care far too much. Therefore, although I'm showing them my love and opening myself up to loving their child, it also opens up the old wounds of bitterness, envy and regret. To love them properly, I have to be willing to accept that. I'm not saying I love them perfectly or in the way they deserve since I'm carrying all this baggage, but I do try to be "normal." Even though there are moments where a photo or a word will make me suck in my breath, it's all worth it to be a part of their lives. I just wish I could join in the fun.
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