Dear Non-Doctor B,

I'm not sure what I think about you. I've never been to a psychotherapist, or any other mental health professional for that matter. I don't really know how to evaluate our session. You seem nice, but at the same time, I've had glimpses of what may be another side already. But before we even get into that, your office seems kinda skeevy. The building is old, in a bad part of town, and in desperate need of some TLC. Even the window blinds look dirty and ancient. Inside, the carpet must be from the 70's, and the walls look like I painted them. (not a compliment) I understand that you merely rent a room in this building, so let's just discuss your office. It's a little room that's part of a suite of offices. It smells kind of dank, but you seem to want to rectify that since you have lovely candles everywhere, along with a prominently displayed can of Glade. There are stuffed animals in baskets and on the couch. I don't know if that creeps me out or comforts me. I'm sure they're full of germs. The couch itself would be pretty if it weren't so old that it sucks me into its embrace with enthusiasm.

OK, OK... I know. You can't judge a book by its cover. So let's discuss my conflicting thoughts on your practice. When I first called you, you were a bit snippy with me until you realized I was a potential patient. I understood, seeing as you were in the midst of a therapy session at the time. But should you really be answering your cell during a session? Again, I haven't experienced therapy, so I don't know.

When I arrived at your office on the dot for the time on which we had agreed, you were not there, and it was locked. I wandered around for a few minutes before going back to the car to look for your number since no one else was in the whole building either. When I got to my car, my cell rang and you said, "Barb, were you going to keep your appointment?" in a snippy tone. When I explained that you weren't there, you became all nicey again. By the time we started, it was 10 or 15 minutes late (and you didn't take that into account for our time frame.)

You seemed nice enough. But you did interrupt me to take a call from your daughter. Again, I don't know if this is ok to do or not. You started off by telling me that therapy is your part time job, and that you have counseled 4 other women with IF - all 4 with PCOS. You also went on to tell me about every single person you know with PCOS (including your daughter) and what their outcome was - emphasizing the ones who got pregnant. When I mentioned that I was there to try to let go of my need to experience pregnancy so that I could more fully embrace adoption, you promptly broke out the assvice. The first was the classic, "So and so tried for years and years, and when she let go and signed the adoption papers, she fell pregnant. It was only after she let go that it happened." (Insert "relaxed" for let go). When I explained that I don't like to think about adoption as a means to pregnancy, you did a 180 again and completely agreed. But that assvice was still tucked in your back pocket, ready for use as later you mentioned that we don't know what God has in store for us, and perhaps I should accept his wisdom. I get that. I really do. But are you supposed to mention God in your first therapy session before you know what my beliefs are? Again, I'm the newbie here, so you tell me.

You went on to say that I was very informed, and had a good handle on most of it myself already, and that I needed to tell you what I really wanted help with. I explained again my difficulty with letting go of the need to experience pregnancy, combine our DNA, etc You agreed, but made sure to quiz me on what tests were needed for PCOS, what levels were acceptable for TSH, and what meds can help so that you could write it down to tell your daughter. I don't mind that at all since I love to help people, but maybe you could have done that when I wasn't on the clock, after our session?

You seem to care, and you seem nice, but I just don't know what to think. You also say you place children in foster care, but some things you said didn't seem to jive with what I've learned about the Florida state system. Maybe I had the wrong facts? If you do have an in with the system, I could learn a lot from you. That would be cool.

I'm just really confused. I don't know how a therapist is really supposed to conduct themselves, and I am definitely up and down on what I think of you. I DO know that you definitely need to learn more about how IF affects people and what treatment would help. But can you help me despite that fact? I don't know. Am I being too critical? Too controlling? I've been guilty of that in the past. Should I try one more session with you to give it another go? Or should I just save my limited number of sessions in insurance and go for another therapist?

And I really don't know if I liked hugging you. I'm a huggy person, but you're a stranger. I'm so conflicted.

Sincerely,
FCIF

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On a serious note - can anyone who's had therapy inform me on any of this stuff? Does this sound like the norm to you? I already don't think I like her that much, but I don't want to be making a decision on it hastily. Any help is much appreciated. xoxoxo

Singing Happy Songs!

Check... it... OUT peeps!


Maybe it IS on CD34 (or maybe 33 in my opinion), but look at THAT! That's the first time I've ovulated without meds in over TWO YEARS!! Can you tell that I'm excited? In addition to the temp rise, I've had all the normal post O signs.

So take THAT all the docs who thought fixing my thyroid wouldn't help that much. And take THAT doc who told me to stop taking the supplements that seemed to help. And a big noogie to YOU doctor who didn't even want to TRY to figure out if I could ovulate on my own with a new tsh and just pumped me full of more meds instead of figuring out the problem.

And THANK YOU to my CE for her support in doing it this way and investigating further. One more week until we find out the results of all that new blood testing!

Unsung Lullabies - The Losses of Infertility

Blog Ring Link at Bottom

First of all, let me say that I'm beginning to realize that if I had read this book (or at least these sections) earlier in my journey, it would have been an awesome eye opener and so helpful. As it stands now, it is still a great way to cement my thoughts and make me realize that these feelings I have are completely normal. So far, I've been finding nuggets here and there that make me say, "A-HA!" but for the most part, these are realizations that I came to in the grindingly slow, painful way. Too bad I didn't pick up this book earlier. Silly me.

Anyway, chapters 3 and 4 are about the losses of infertility, and the confusion about your adult development if you can't have a child. I'm feeling like mixing things up a bit, so I'm going to try a different format for chapter 3 than usual. Each heading that follows is a subject heading in this chapter.

Loss of Pregnancy and Birth - As they say, this is the most obvious loss, and still one I feel very keenly. I can have a child without experiencing pregnancy and birth, but it's something I always wanted. I have a very, "I want to live life to the fullest" personality, and experiencing these things was always definitely on my list. It's also just such a part of our culture to go through the pregnancy first. People (including me) understand that process better and know better how to help you celebrate.

Where Do I Belong? - It really does feel like you live in limbo. You haven't decided to live without children, or to adopt, but you want to be a parent. It's like standing outside an exclusive night club for hours only to be told you don't fit the bill to get in. What do you do with your time? What about all your friends who go to that club? When they talk about it, you can't really join in. You don't fit in. Quite frankly, this sucks.

The Holiday Spirit. Where Has it Gone? - This one doesn't affect me as much, but Christmas does feel like the ticker tape of yet another year gone by without a "Baby's First Christmas" ornament on the tree. My Mom sent us one of those one year for our pets when we first got them. Now it feels like a slap in the face to hang it. I almost didn't this year, but I didn't want DH to think I was mental. (though I guess now he will. ;-)

I've lost Control of My Body - I don't know that this applies as much to me either since my cycles have always been completely wacky, and I've dealt with horrible fatigue for most of my adult life. I went through that already when the fatigue started. (It's so much better now though! wahoo!)

Loss of Feeling Healthy and Normal - I have a distinct memory of suddenly realizing that your body can let you down. It was even almost a realization of my mortality. It sound silly, but when you find out that the things that are wrong with you really are diseases that have names, it's both a relief and a dash of cold water. The things I have can lead to complications that may eventually be the cause of my death. It's definitely a "wake-up" moment. The book talks more about this subject as, "If I'm going to the doctor so much, I must be sick," but I experienced this one a little differently.

Loss of Feeling Competent - I think this is where the shame comes in initially. Even though it's not true, you feel like you just can't do something, and it must be your fault. I've long ago lost the shame, but I did have an a-ha moment in this section. They discuss that this can filter into your working life and cause problems with your performance and how you view your performance. I have definitely experienced this and didn't know from whence it came. Now I do.

Loss of Sexual Intimacy - We experienced this. It hit the hub harder than it hit me, and we had to work through it. We seem to have found our balance now though.

Loss of Sexual Identity - I've heard this one a lot. "I can't do what a woman is supposed to DO! This is one of the most basic differences between a man and a woman!" And on the flip side, "I'm not manly enough to impregnate my wife. It's embarrassing." An interesting note in the book is that men tend to become more active to prove their virility, while women tend to become depressed. Damn.

Loss of Sexual Privacy - Ugh. Hate this one. Hate IUI's. Hate what DH has to do. 'Nuff said. I also realized here that this may be one of the reasons I get so upset with well meaning family assvice. Sometimes the sweetest, most demure family member will come up with the most shocking suggestions on how to produce the baby you crave. I hate that part of breaking down the barriers. It's an insult to my intelligence, and I really didn't want to know that Grandma, thank you.

Loss of our Sense of Self - This one has hit me hard. I feel almost as if I've been going through a mid-life crisis at 30. I struggle to redefine who I am with this as part of my being. Obviously my life isn't going as planned, and I'm a planner.

Acknowledging the Losses - This helps IMMENSELY. And it truly helps when others understand that they are indeed losses and don't invalidate them. I don't need that from everyone, but it sure is nice from those closest to me. Luckily, most of them have been great even when they don't understand.


Chapter 4 - How Can I Become an Adult if I don't Become a Parent?

This is a biggie. I can certainly see how this becomes a huge problem. For me, the main thing is, not being able to bond with my Mom and others in that way, and the loss of "generativity" as the book says. The authors also point out that it can feel as it felt when you were told, "You're not big enough yet." I know I've had those weak moments when I thought, "God must think we're not ready yet." Normally, I think that's hogwash, but there's a lot of doubt in this whole process.

I think the authors summed up this issue quite well when they wrote that for people who want a child and can't have one, "It's not only an individual and marital crisis--it is a developmental crisis as well."

Move on to: How much is Lost

Burst out the bubbly! EDITED

A friend of mine with a high risk pregnancy just had her baby and all seems to be going fairly well! HURRAY!!!!!

ETA: Please say some prayers for the little sweetie as they noticed a problem later in the days that followed. She doesn't seem to be in immediate danger, but she may need surgery, and they're not sure what is the exact problem. Please add these people to your good thoughts and prayers list. Thanks.

Unsung Lullabies: My Reproductive Story

Get ready for a long one...
Link for the blog ring at bottom.

Chapter 2 is all about how we develop our "reproductive story." According to the authors (and I agree), our reproductive story is shaped by many factors in our environment. Everything from how we were raised, to our friends, our jobs, the media and our religious beliefs helps determine how we will feel about a decision to become or not to become parents.

The book suggests that to fully realize why infertility is so painful, we must look at the plot lines of our own stories. Then we can better isolate the causes of our deepest angst, and take steps to deal with them one by one. To do this, they suggest writing or talking about your dreams of parenthood and how they came about. So instead of talking too much about the book in this post, I will be telling my reproductive story. There are countless factors that figure into what made me who I am, but the things I am focusing on are the most important ones in regards to my want for a child.

___________________________________________________

My Mother was very young when I was born. Her pregnancy was not planned, but she wanted to take care of her baby. Luckily, I was born into a large, close knit immediate and extended family on both sides. I was raised mostly by and feel closer to my Mother's side.

My Mom's youth hurt her in that there were many things that she felt cheated out of. It also meant that she learned a lot about life as I did. But her youth also allowed me to feel a special kinship with her, and to be able to admire and know her through more stages of her life. Many people mention that they become friends with their parents as they aged. I can say my Mom and I were friends for as long as I can remember. This doesn't mean that I didn't respect her as a parent and disciplinarian. She was simply both. My Grandma, on the other hand, was in her mid-thirties when she had Mom. At that time, in that place, she seemed like an older mother. Mom remembers wondering why there was such a large gap between she and her siblings, and why her friends' moms seemed so young. What's more, both Mom and I are heartbroken that my beloved Grandma (or Gram-maw as I said and spelled it) passed away when I was only 8. She had heart disease like almost every other member of her family. I got to have my Dad's parents for a very long time though, and still cherish a great relationship with my Grandmother.

The maternal side of my family mostly resides in a very poor region where early pregnancy is fairly common. But seeing the struggles my Mom had to endure scared me straight as far as the chances of getting knocked up went. I was very careful about even becoming sexually active, and very careful about avoiding pregnancy when I did. My mother though, always had reproductive issues. RE said that often women with her problems have "oops" babies early, or not at all. I can remember as early as age 13 that I worried about whether I would have similar problems and being terrified that I wouldn't be able to have the one thing I wanted most in the world; my own family.

While I was raised in a very warm, supportive, wonderful family, I had some instability. My parents split up very early on. I only have hazy flashes of what it was like to be part of a traditional family. For much of my life we lived with my Grandma, and/or Aunt and Uncle. It was so cozy in our house, and I always felt so loved and protected. At the same time though, I always had this image of how my children would grow up in a more traditional, stable home. I wanted to give them what I didn't have, even if I didn't even know what it was like to miss it.

I was an only child for 8 years. My family was so close that cousins were like siblings, but I was still a bit lonely. At night in my prayers, I used to ask God to send me a little sister. I also wanted a big brother, but I knew that wasn't likely to happen. Then my Mom met my Stepfather, and wonder of wonders, he had a 7 month old daughter! There was a lot of rough transition as two new people entered my Mom's world and vied for her love in my eyes, but I always felt that God had answered that prayer especially for me by sending E. I still count my blessings every day that I was granted a sister. I truly don't know what I would do without her.

Children are adored by all my relatives. They are treasured and played with and showered with open affection. They are also viewed as future leaders and citizens. There is a lot of emphasis on bringing up responsible children who will be wonderful attributes to their world. On the flip side, I have always also been taught by both sides that our elders are to be respected, cherished and attended to. They generally serve as the heads and counselors of the family until they are no longer able, and then they are completely cared for. I so wish to pass on that tradition.

Thus, you can see why I so want a child and where my many worries come from. I'm worried about being an older Mom. I don't have any experience with it, and I really want to play an important role in the lives of my Grandchildren. I desperately wanted children before 30. I want them to remember the younger, more energetic, carefree me. Another part of that is the ever present worry over IF and the fact that stats show better success before 30. Furthermore, I wanted a family of more than one child spaced 3 or 4 years apart. You don't have to do the math to know that in your 30's time is limited on that plan. I always wanted more because I knew the happiness of a large family, but also knew the loneliness of an only child household. Even now, I sometimes wish for a biological sibling. I love my sister more than anything DNA alone could bring about, but there's just something about sharing your wavy hair, or honking laugh...

Furthermore, I want to pass on our values and ethics. I believe strongly in the possibility of a better world and am optimistic about the potential humans have to make that happen. I would like to raise children who think that can happen as well.

Finally, the story of everyone I know revolves around the growth of family, the raising of children, and caring for elders. There's nothing more important in my family. So you can see where my self-esteem takes a hit when I can't seem to be part of that. I have known and seen such love for children all my life. How could I not have one of my own? Besides that, I have so many rosy pictures of my retired years with grandchildren, and they and my children supporting us as we have supported our loved ones. My whole world revolves around the creation and importance of a nuclear family. Everything else pales in comparison. DH has a similar tradition. Somehow, we will make a way. I just wish it wasn't so hard for someone who is just so ready.

Move on to Living a New Life With Infertility...

Cycle Day 28

It's cycle day 28. No ovulation. No period. It's just cycle day 28. It's back to the usual for me I guess. it's not even a question of when I'll ovulate, but if. And that is a very big if. So there goes the hope that maybe just by fixing my tsh levels that I'd have a better chance. I really really hope that CE has some good ideas. I'm very suspicious about my prolactin levels; especially since I've heard of other women having problems at levels lower than mine. Ah well. See how much I'm not over my infertility? To think that I'd even hope to ovulate this month is just crazy. At this point, I would just welcome a period before 3 months goes by. That would be nice. (Of course I'll take progesterone to bring it on before then. No worries. I will not deal with those heavy awful periods anymore at least.)

Speaking of not being over my infertility: I scheduled an appointment with a therapist. I called quite a few before I found one that may be a fit for me. All I can say is that there must be some bad ones out there. One man I talked to sounded suspiciously like he was talking to me from his home phone, and that I had distracted him from the game or something. On top of that, he was very gruff even while grunting that, "Yeah," he'd counseled people with infertility, "many times." He was just the person to whom I could imagine spilling my emotional guts. The woman I picked sounded very sweet and competent though. Wish me luck!

On the financial and work front, things are settling. We figured out a tolerable solution to our tax dilemma. We may not be able to do the things we need to this year, but we're saved as far as bills and feeding ourselves goes. To that note, I also managed to snag some overtime! Hurray! That should help cover that darn Malabrigo! (Did I mention that I'm in love with that yarn?)

At work, we were able to work on some solutions to some of our team problems, and I helped to orchestrate that. I'm quite proud of myself and only hope that this is the path to better things for us. I really love my job and team, so I desperately want to make it work.

Oh yeah, and for all of you who responded so kindly to my last post, I answered within the comments.

The Good, the Bad and the Pretty Darn Beautiful

This weekend was very bittersweet. There was so much to be appreciated amongst so much bad luck. I'll start with the bad.

We recently found out that our real estate taxes went up more than they had estimated they would. On top of that, our mortgage company did not take enough out for escrow last year, so we owe them a short fall. If we stay with escrow, they want a 2 month cushion. Understandable. However, that would mean that our house payments (plus escrow) would go up over $300/month! There is no way in God's green Earth that we can afford to make those payments. If we pull out of escrow, we'd just owe the mortgage company the shortfall, and our payments would go up just a little. Then we'd have to save for taxes and insurance ourselves. There is so much to be considered here. No wonder people lose their houses when they could afford them initially! The county simply took a lot higher percentage rate this year than they said they would. How can we possibly know that's coming?? I'm going to have to work really hard to get overtime work, and DH is considering getting a second job. This means that even though state adoption is much more affordable for us, it's shelved until we can get a little more stable. This economy sucks giant hairy ones. I hate it.

Ready for the good? I thought so. On Monday I met up with a fellow infertile! Her name is Stephanie and we met through this blog. It was slightly spur of the moment, and I was very excited. For some inexplicable reason, I was all worried that she would think I looked ok and not too much like a goof. In general, I wanted her to like me since we seemed to have a lot in common through the 'net. This thinking is what led me to even wear mascara! I never wear mascara!! I neglected to mention this to her when she confessed to me that she wore lipstick for the same reason.

We met up at Panera Bread for some yummy soup and a nice long chat. She was very pretty and approachable, and surprisingly, very like I pictured her. The nice thing is that we were able to talk about our lives as a whole with infertility as a horrible part of it. I think now, I need people like that who have been in the trenches for a while. I can't focus solely on IF or I'll go crazy. Another nice thing is that I felt some of that "fellowship of IF" that I've felt with other people. The same happened when I met L at the acupuncture office, and when my local pharmacist chatted me up about IVF. There are just clues that IF veterans give off in certain situations that let you both know you have something in common. Then you can breathe and lower your walls. But those stories will come in another post.

For now, just know that it was wonderful to finally meet up with another IFer in person for a change. The other 2 women I've met have been very busy (happily since they are now pregnant!) and we've had a hard time catching up. We will probably meet again, and if anyone in the Central Florida area is interested, please contact me! You can find the info on the Stirrup Queen's website.

Furthermore, I met up with a long time friend today! To get to her, I got to drive through some of the unspoiled regions of Florida, and it eased my soul. Wetlands, forests, palmetto and scrub were a feast for the eyes. The weather has been absolutely beautiful; 70's, clear and sunny. We met in a quaint little historic district near the ocean, and she bought me some yummy Mexican food. Afterward we wandered the little shops where I found....

...YARN FOR MY SCARF! It's by Malabrigo, and it's scrumptious. I bought the variegated Merino color called stonechat. It was more than I should have spent, but I'll work extra or sell something else on ebay. It's entirely worth it.

So how's that for a bittersweet few days? There has been a lot of good. It's just that the bad is so bad that it barely balances. I know many many of us are in tough spots right now, so best wishes to us all.