A short section from another perspective...

Hello everybody. This is actually the husband writing in. I don't even know if what I'm saying is true but I'll do my best to recount our journey together from my viewpoint.

When Barb and I first began trying to have a baby I was happy, excited, scared, but also a little bit ambivalent about the whole thing. I never really had that exact point when I thought "Hey, I'm ready to take on the responsibility of having a child to take care of and raise to become a happy and productive human being." I was pretty much brought along by my wife who wanted and needed a child. The important thing for me is for her to be happy and also for us to have a child before the magic number 30.

After some months of trying without any result, my wife and I got a bit worried. Hope came when Barb started seeing a specialist. The specialist seemed to know what the problem was and had ideas about how to fix it. I thought, "Great, we'll have a baby in no time". Or at least, I thought that my wife's general health would improve as a result of those treatments. I was optimistic.

When Barb started taking Clomid, what was a source of hope for me became a source of stress--mainly because of the way the drug not only affected my wife's mood but her general well-being. She went through a lot of physical problems and side-effects as a result of the many treatments she was put through. Those were really tough because I had thought that what we were doing was supposed to make my wife healthier but it ended up making her feel crampy, bloated,uncomfortable, and in pain. I really hated that she had to go through that. I really wished there was something I could have done to help her and make her feel better. Not only that but I wish there was something I could have done to make her doctors really find out why she's still having problems because it almost always seemed like they just didn't care. That's the frustrating thing.

Barb's gone through a couple of specialists now and through that process I'm come to realize that she might not be able to have a child after all.I know that intellectually but I fear dwelling on that idea for too long because I just can't face that idea emotionally. It's just really tough to handle. I still hold out the faint hope that we'll have our own child someday. I do know now that even though I may not think I'm ready for the responsibility of a child, I feel that I want to take on that responsibility and become the best parent I can be.

Thanks.

Adoption

We have been slowly and gently dipping our toes into the waters of adoption. I think it will take a while until we can fully submerse ourselves. I am not completely finished with the hope of a pregnancy. Nor am I completely sure that we will take the adoption route.

Our plan right now consists of gathering information, and should we decide to proceed with the next step in adoption, finding a counselor to help us grieve the loss of a possible biological baby. I don't feel like I would be the mother I want to be until I can do that.

The big big problem I'm dealing with right now is the lack of knowledge. I don't even know how to begin finding a decent adoption agency in Florida to call to ask the questions you're supposed to ask. We've also been researching state adoption, as that's a much more financially feasible solution for us, not to mention the fact that there are so many kids in the state system who need homes. The scary part for us is, we don't know what to expect from the state system. We feel we are not experienced enough to parent an older or very special needs child. Is that what we should expect? We also are afraid of the trauma (for all involved) of parenting a child whose first parents' rights have been terminated against their will. Is that what we should expect?

I can find more info on private adoptions (though not on specific agencies), but I can't seem to find people who have adopted from the state without fostering. Is there anyone out there in blog land who has chosen this option? Would you be willing to share your experiences? We are really clueless right now and would love the help.

By the way, the post by DH should be coming in a few days.

Rearranging Priorities

I just got back from the Clinical Endocrinologist's (CE) office. Imagine this: In that office, you get to see the doctor every time! This is only the second time I've met with her. I liked her the first time, and it hasn't changed yet. I asked if she would take over my PCOS care and she agreed. Our goal now is to balance my hormones and get me healthy. If a pregnancy follows, then that's great. The wonderful news here is that my TSH is right where it should be at 1.33!

She confirmed many suspicions I had and will monitor my health closely. She thinks there may be more going on than just the PCOS problem since it seems to be fairly mild. She is very concerned about the fact that I have had high prolactin and is going to monitor it more closely. As for the metformin (glucophage), she says that there is no research to support that it can delay or halt ovulation, but that since we know so little about how it really works with PCOS, anything is possible.

Our plan is this: I go off the metformin for the time being, and I go back to my B complex vitamins and Flaxseed. (Note: I do not know why RE said flaxseed is bad. So far, everything I've read has said it's good for pcos. In addition to that, my TCM practitioner and the CE think it's good.) We will see how my cycle goes this month, and I'll have all my bloodwork records sent to the CE. Then I'll have more bloodwork done, and we'll reevaluate in February. If the bloods show really obvious pcos, then we'll go back to metformin.. higher dose. If they don't, but something else is out of whack, we'll go after that problem.

I'm ready for this. Bring it on. (again)

**another note: For those wondering - yes, you can have withdrawal symptoms from metformin. I had them last night. Not pretty.

Peace Returning

My peace is slowly returning, but the sadness remains. I visit the clinical endocrinologist tomorrow, and I have a lot of things to talk to her about. They specialize in PCOS, so I have a lot of healthy living questions for her. My plan now is to return balance to my body. Nothing is going to work until I do. Of course this is what the Chinese Medicine Practitioner told me, but I needed the diagnostic resources of Western Medicine and didn't have the money to go exclusively holistic. Besides, synthroid is my friend, and we met through my RE. ;-)

We've also received state adoption info in the mail, and I plan to dedicate a whole post to that later. There's a lot whirring around in my mind that I plan to spew out as soon as it settles and solidifies. In the meantime, Hubs (who has been fabulous) and I plan to venture to Joanne's for a little therapy. I don't plan on buying much, if anything. I just love looking at all those beautiful possibilities.

Also, Hubs has agreed to do a guest post on my blog! How fun is that? I love getting the male POV out there when I can. They really deserve so much support.

What Happened

I started spotting a tiny bit a few days ago. I chalked it up to irritation from the Prometrium suppositories and went on my way. After all, my luteal phase has never been under 14 days, so why worry?

Then, yesterday I had a gush of blood at a little more than a week past ovulation. That worried me a bit, but I managed to convince myself it was still just irritation or a clot or something. DearNurse agreed to have my progesterone level drawn though. Then last night.. full on period. It woke me at 1:30am. It's only gotten worse throughout the day. When the clinic called with my progesterone draw results, they were borderline.. meaning it was probably only the supplements that were being picked up and none of my own progesterone. This leads me to believe I didn't ovulate at all, especially since I didn't get the typical post ovulation feelings or patterns. And this pisses me off! I wasted my last insurance covered IUI on something with zero possibility of success!!! That's where the anger comes in. The bad thing is that now it's anger mingled with depression and HOOOO-WEE, that's just asking for some serious ass kicking mania from yours truly. This does not mingle well with the workplace. I was hanging on by my fingernails by the end of the day.

I talked to the clinic about what all could have gone so wrong. I mean, I go from responding really well to the lowest dose of clomid (though I hate it) and femara 7 times, then nothing for two, and no ovulation with a doubled dose of femara, 5 fsh shots and a trigger!! However, they only seem to want to focus on "what treatment next," and not, "great bouncing follicles, how in the heck did this happen?" I would like to focus on number 2. Them - not so much.

I have a "Thank you for your time, but we have no more money" wrap up appointment scheduled to see if I can get some answers, but I don't know if I'll go. I plan to reevaluate, recenter, and investigate all our options thoroughly (including adoption.) More on that later. In the meantime, I knew it would be bad, but this unexpected wrench has twisted up my head and heart into aching knots. Sometimes I feel as if I am one toe from going over the edge, and other times everything solidifies into sharp solid rock deep in my core. I'm not sure which is worse.

Aren't you glad I posted this missive full of sunshine and rainbows? I'm just being a frank realist, I promise. (a depressed, frank, realist, but who's perfect?) My peaceful side will return in bits and pieces soon I'm sure.

All I want to say right now is F THIS!

Welcome back anger. You were missed.

The Quest for Happiness

Way back at the beginning, when I learned that Clomid was the cause of some awful breakdowns, I devised a helpful system. When I felt the black cloud building, I would prepare to do or be around things that make me the happiest. I would avoid everyone that I wasn't 100% comfortable with (which is most people), and hunker down with my happy thoughts. I learned the few things that could break through the madness with a bit of light.

That's still my method, but if I'm not prepared, it's much harder to overcome. When that happens, I usually get blindsided by something stupid, which makes me feel even more crappy. Then it's really hard to climb out.

I tried all the usual things the past few days. I watched favorite movies and shows, hugged my husband and pets, played a game, and even went to see a performance by the Lipizzan Stallions. It was beautiful and made me long to ride, but didn't make me forget my cares. The photo pictures the Levade.

As it happens though, I can also be blindsided into happiness. I had gone out for groceries, and decided to stop at Joanne's to get a skein of their sale yarn, and to drool at all the other things I couldn't afford.

I went to the nearest store, and was shocked to find that it was closing! ALL their items were 40-70% off the lowest marked price! They had tons of yarn left, and it was 50% off the lowest price. I rummaged, touched, gazed, pondered and rummaged again. It took me an hour to pick out my choices. They all ended up in the one to three dollar range per skein. When I came home, I laid them all out and dreamed up what they would become and in what pattern. I love the feel and beauty of good yarn. There is so much potential in that tidily wrapped package. This unexpected find bolstered my spirits for quite a few hours. I was very grateful. Now I just have to find my next nugget of happiness until I can get out of the pit.

Speaking of yarn, I promised a photo of my finished scarf. I just did knit 1, purl 1 ribbing, and I'm not entirely pleased with it, but here it is. At least it's in my favorite yarn: Lion Brand Homespun.