Guest Post - The Need to do it "Right"

Intro by Barb:

I've often thought about having guest posts and about doing guest posts myself on other blogs. However, I am famously not that organized, and my blog tends to be more of a fly by the seat of my pants sort of thing. It's how I stay interested and motivated by it.

In any case, this week has been a little crazy. I was rear ended with E in the car yesterday. We are both fine, but the car may not be. It was completely the other guy's fault, so coverage (including rental car) is completely covered thank God. E also developed an ear infection and sore throat that evening, so we're having a few challenges.

Luckily for me, I've been wanting to post something my cousin wrote on her personal (protected) blog for quite a while. Warning: It's a Mommy struggles post, so if you're feeling sensitive, you may want to steer clear. But it struck quite a chord with me even though our circumstances are different. I love doing the house stuff and taking care of E, but I feel like I don't have the time to do it as well as I'd like, and I hate work for getting in the way even though I like what I do. Cousin is a fairly new stay at home mother of 2 - one (almost not!) toddler and one baby. Please enjoy and leave supportive comments. She'll be reading and can't get those comments on her private family blog!

So this might be a long post...

Hubby and I were talking the other day about how I'm usually "on top of things." Meaning that there isn't a whole lot that slips through the cracks around here - things are usually put away and organized in a reasonable time frame. Projects and to-do lists are completed in short order, and I'm usually thinking ahead on just about everything. Multitasking is second nature. There is rarely a moment when I'm not doing two things at once, or doing one thing and thinking about / planning for the next one.

Being on top of things was kind of "my thing." It was one of the things I really liked about myself; something that I felt set me apart from the crowd. Always dependable. Always prepared. Never a question about whether I took care of something I said I would. The question, "Oh, but did you think of X?" was almost always met with "Yes, I did think of X, and I already planned for it."

I'm not saying all this to be bragadocious, but just to lead up to my point...stay with me...

It was sort of like fun little challenges I could set for myself:

• I'm going upstairs - how many things can I grab from the living room that belong up there?
• Can I pack the car so well that there's room left over we didn't anticipate?
• How can I run these errands in an order that minimizes the time and gas I'm spending?
• How much money can I save at the grocery store through coupons and sales?
• Can I have the mail sorted by the time I get back up to the house?
• Can I fold littlest's laundry and put it away even though she's napping in there?
• Since we're going on vacation in 3 weeks, I'll start piling things up on the dining table now so I don't have to do it all at once and miss something.

Yes, it's very Type-A, and probably sounds like a ridiculous hassle, but I liked those little games I could play, and it felt good when I "won." The extra benefit was that things stayed nice and neat and organized and I never felt too overwhelmed.

However...these days I feel like I'm barely able to keep on top of things. Having both girls takes up a lot more time and energy that I was expecting. Physical and mental energy. Just to be clear - I would never give up staying home with the girls and certainly don't pin this on them, but the brain drain is just a change to my life that I was only sort of prepared for.

The bigger emotional bummer that comes with no longer being consistently on top of things is that even when I do manage to get stuff done promptly and in an organized fashion, it no longer feels fun. I said before that taking care of this stuff was like playing (and winning) little games all day, but now it's just necessary to stay afloat. I'm not winning anymore, I'm just breaking even. Barely.

I know I'm mixing metaphors here, but case in point - it's naptime and the littlest will likely be waking up in the next few minutes, so I'm trying to get it all out as quickly as possible.

I realize that this is only a short period in my life, and I tell myself every day that it's okay if the house is a little messy, or if I forget to return phone calls, or if I forget it's my turn to host playgroup until the day before, or if I don't wear the cute shoes and instead wear the same old ones because they're already downstairs and it's faster.

I know the girls will only be little for a short time, and I'm really trying to let this go so I can enjoy this season of life. But...it's still tough to "let go" of something that I feel is a huge part of who I am. Or I guess it's more accurate to say that I may not let go of it completely, but I have to make peace with "the games" just not being very fun anymore. Or to borrow from Charlie Sheen, to give up on "winning" for a while.

I know it's more important to be present in the small moments with my family, and I'm going to try and focus more on that instead of the ever-rising tide of STUFF that has to get done. Because it's only going to get crazier as they get older, right? :-)

Anyway. If you made it this far, congratulations...I'm going to head upstairs to get the littlest now, but not without taking some dirty bibs up with me to put in the laundry.