I'm having trouble integrating back into work.... still. It's not just leaving the baby and the fact that he obviously is stressed by going to daycare despite the fact that he likes his provider. I think it's also that I'm rediscovering who I am. I'm having trouble with the old work Barb and the new Mommy Barb. I'm not sure how to put them back together or if I should be embracing a whole new identity.
I'm a singular passion in life sorta gal. Aside from family, my main passion in life has been my career. But now I seem to want my career to be motherhood with a little bit of job on the side. I never expected that drastic shift. I guess I should have, but I feel like I could never have dreamed how intense this would all be. All of this has left me floundering.
I feel a little lost, a little alone, a little crazy and a lot confused. I'm finding I didn't truly have very many real friends. I feel very judged by those who haven't had my experience, whether with children or not, and I'm struggling to not let that affect me. Why should it?
I'm really hoping I'm not the singular crazy person in all this struggle.
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About Me
- Barb
- Lots of trying, angst, sadness, pain and procedures mixed with the happiest marriage and most fulfilling life I could hope to have. Now, after 4 years of hoping and praying, our little man is here - delivered Jan. 4th, 2010. Disbelief, craziness and joy. This blog serves as my outlet and record of my daily life - whether it be infertility related or not.
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5 comments:
I don't think you are crazy at all.
You'll find a balance that works. In the meantime, I am available for venting.
Um, definitely not alone. I've tried to turn "managing the house" into a balance between being a mom and "working" (I use quotes b/c everyone who has kids knows that being a mom is plenty work already), but managing the house, however busy it keeps me, is still kind of a lonely job.
I suspect that, for many of us, pure biology is behind that desire to be with our children and our (I would argue correct, but some people might stone me for it) instinct that career is just not that fascinating when one's children are very young.
I am a terrible multitasker. This is why I did not last very long as a working mother. I took the maximum maternity leave I could eke out when Rhett was born, and left for good when I was midway through my pregnancy with Jasper. I was lucky because we could afford it, but that is largely because my husband took on quite a bit of extra work (God bless him). I will most likely have to go back to some form of work in a few years, and I am hoping it isn't until the youngest children are in school.
I really think that we women really *feel* being torn in different directions very strongly.
You 3 always have really good comments. Thanks so much.
90% of the females I've known who have had children have had a deep desire to be a SAHM once their first child was born. Some thought they wanted to before and some did not. Some were financially able to do that and some were not. Regardless, after the fact, most wanted to. Therefore I think it's safe to say that you're not alone.
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