The Work Angst

Me: E loves the train you got him! And the clothes are adorable!
Her: Oh really? Hm. I don't remember what I got him.

Me: Look at this adorable video. He giggles now!
Her: uhhuh (Later to someone else: What's the big deal about laughing? My kids laugh all the time. They aren't babies by the way.)

Me: E is so attached and lovey. And he has such strong opinions on what he wants!
Her: Oh Barb for Pete's sake. Babies don't develop a personality until age 2. He just has tendencies right now. (Apparently according to her, if they can't talk, they aren't really worth it.)

Her: We've thought about adopting a baby. (Even though she says she doesn't want an infant at all.)
Me: Oh! You'd do great! Around 4 months I think things even out, and now at this age, he's SO much fun and awesome and...
Her: Look. I'm happy you love your baby and enjoy him. Good for you. But I just don't want one. I know I could do it if I HAD to, but I don't care about it.
Me: But you just said.......

This hurts me. A lot. I know it's crazy, but it hurts me for him because we are each other if you know what I mean. I am him and he is me. I know he doesn't care, but he's the love of my life, so of course I care. It also hurts because before I went on maternity leave, she was super lovey with me and always asking what the gender was, how things were going etc. She made me feel like we were going to be "great friends" as she said. When I came back, things quickly changed. And THAT'S how I know she thinks I suck with how I parent even though she has no experience with babies, only children. And she thinks since she regularly goes on cruises and does overnight parties without her kids (she is a good Mom though), that I suck because I can't do that right now.

And I just realized that one of the reasons I feel so off at work a lot of times is because I'm missing a vital part of myself while I'm there - for 12 hours. It's hard to learn to function as a whole being without that part of me again, but I'm getting better.