I have not been having the greatest time emotionally lately. I have insecurity issues at the best of times, but add that with some of the latest barrels of laughs, and it becomes a glaring problem.
Generally, as my cycles lengthen (CD 34 now) without any ovulation or period, I start sleeping more fitfully. My theory is that I need the cycle of progesterone in my body for some semblance of normalcy. During my luteal phases and when on provera, I usually sleep very well. I also start to notice more unexplained mood shifts, anxiety and depression as the cycle slogs on. As I continue to lose out on sleep, those problems only intensify. I'm beginning one of those awful phases now. It's always a guessing game to see how long I should wait before taking the provera that will end the angst. This time I guess I will have to call Endo to see if it matters that I'm taking glucophage at the same time. I can't imagine it does.
Now we pile on the things that make it worse. We recently had an anonymous peer review at work (you remember.. that place I've been whining about?). I generally like to know how I'm performing, but this was more about personality and social skills. Still - I thought I would like to know. The thing I didn't count on was that I would have more surprises than I imagined. I had surprises that seriously made me reconsider who I thought I was compared to what I must portray. I also wondered if I had been completely wrong about relationships I thought were very stable. It's been very unsettling for me. And I'm learning that when my physical self is unsettled and completely out of my control, I need some semblance of stability for my emotional self lest I lose it all.
I will probably try to address some of the issues I saw in my evaluations, but at the same time, I am so weary. I am so afraid of becoming "that person." I'm so afraid of becoming the person that is not self aware and who doesn't seek to better herself. I strive all the time to work on my flaws and further my learning about who I am and about the world around me. I'm not sure if I'm always successful (especially after this eval), but it is difficult for someone with the security and depression issues that I have. But I do try. Tonight though, I half sobbed to Hub, "Is it ok if I just decide to give in and be ME? Can I just accept that I have these flaws, try to work around them and accept myself as I am? Then if someone doesn't like me, that's fine right? That's just how it is."
Hub's answer - "Yes honey, that's absolutely fine. It's what I always do. It will save you a lot of worry. You can't please everyone." (I'm paraphrasing)
I liked that answer. I'm really tired. I'm tired in so many ways. I'm tired of struggling at work, with finances, with myself, with my reproductive system, with my whole body. I'm tired of trying to mold myself to fit all people and all situations. I'm actually tired of trying to better myself. Sometimes I want to just BE. I'm tired of living this weird half-life. Half of me is still tied up in motherhood - in the need to mother. I want to be whole. I want a simpler life.
I'm going to try to get there. I'm done with that phase of my life. The "bettering myself" phase has lasted about 14 years. I think I'm done. I will still better myself, but mainly to please me. I will better myself to more reflect the moral, happy, learned person that I want to be, not that I'm told or that I imagine others want. And to start that, I need to back down. I've spoken of the need for that before... of the need to be quieter, more observant, less vocal until I can get a handle on me. I wanted to be strong, open and confident. I don't anymore. Now I want to be quiet, reflective and confident. The other isn't working so well anyway. Don't worry. If I'm absolutely confident in your presence and in your love for me, a lot of the openness will come back quickly once I sort some stuff out. If not, and you'd like it to, then the ball's in your court. I'm totally OK with a quieter relationship and more armor for my feelings. Although Hub says I should try to just "not care," I imagine that will take a while.
Thanks to all for your help along the way to finding out who I am and what I need.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
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12 comments:
I am so sorry. I am so glad that Hubs is such a fantastic Hubs for you. He is right .. Just be You, It's the easiest to be.
I already think you are perfect.
In my experience, anonymous peer reviews tend to be more about the issues of the person writing it than actual issues with you. For example, at my college thesis, one of my anonymous peer reviewers said that I should have worn a skirt, instead of dress pants. I mean, really? That was your criticism?
Want to go to lunch again next week? I think it always makes things better to get away.
honey, there is nothing wrong with quiet, reflective and confident. And I'm pretty sure (without even having met you!) that Jen is right that you are an awesome person. I hope that you can feel free to be who you are, and bettering yourself should ALWAYS be for you and not for others. We love you out here in blogland!!
for what it is worth I think you are pretty effing fabulous. so there.
& peer reviews are just weird.
From what I read, I think you are awesome. I feel as if I could have wrote most of this myself. I have these same struggles at my job but instead of peer reviews they just run to my boss and complain when they don't get their way. It's frustrating. There is nothing wrong with being you! My husband says the same thing..."don't care so much", but that is so much easier said then done. Sounds like you have a great hubby. Hang in there! ((HUGS))
I am so sorry. There is no worse feeling in the world than not being comfortable in your own body. Not being comfortable being yourself. I have been there and I hate it.
Your Hubby it right - it is more important for YOU to like who you are than some random peer review person. Bah - who are they to talk? I bet they eat their own boogers.
From my experience the people at work I respect the most are those who have a strong sense of self and aren't concerned with what others think. Ironically the people who try and please everyone and are thus constantly changing their minds. priorities and ideas, are the most frustrating to work with. I hope your new resolve makes you content.
Jen has it right - peer reviews are usually about THEM. I think you are awesome just the way you are.
Back when I was dating, I was so focused on whether or not the guy liked me that I forgot to ask myself if I liked the guy. Pretty idiotic. But I found that by focusing on how *I* felt about things/people, I was much happier than constantly worrying about what others thought about me. Anyhow - no specific advice on HOW to shift your thinking, but hope my experience might help a little.
Barb, I sure like what I have learned of you through your blog and your comments on mine - and I identify with the feeling of being sick of working so hard to be one's best self. It is hard work and I think you are wise to focus on keeping your intentions focused on your own values and desires, not the expectation of others. The other part - about being caught between the possibility and impossibiity of being a mother just sounds ike it would hurt so much. Peace and healing to you.
All of your advice was just perfect! Thanks so much!
Jaime - I bet they do eat their own boogers. ;-)
WFI - Yeah! That's the thing. I tried to become more confident and less wavering to make it easier. I was doing so under the tutelage of a manager I admire greatly so that I could do a better job with some of my main responsibilities. She thought I was doing great. They seemed to think I was being too "non-negotiating" and making "snap judgments" and "not changing mind after further evidence." sigh If that means that I thought their idea was ridiculous and didn't hide it well, then too bad. grr
You did help Allison. :) Thanks.
SeaStar - I like what I've read of you too. Warm fuzzies ;)
It's easy to fall into the trap of trying to mold yourself so that everyone "likes you". Yet it's exhausting as well and I don't think it does you any good. I know I've been guilty of it in the past but, like you, I'm trying to focus more on just being myself. As you said, sometimes you need more armor for your feelings. Quiet confidence is a good thing!
Reading posts like these help me so much. Thank you Barb, from another blogger you thinks you're pretty awesome :)
I imagine that a variety of folks would tell me I'm totally selfish for being this way but 99% of my attempts at self improvement are about me and for me. Screw everybody else!
P.S. Monday I got a visit from AF ending a 49 day cycle... which means my last 3 or 4 cycle have all been over 45 days. Lovely. After almost 3 years off BC I think I can now safely say that my cycles are getting worse, not better.
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