Does this mean I'm famous?

An Interview from Jen at Here We Go Again. I'll have my people contact your people. ;-)

1. You and your husband just picked up and moved to Florida. Explain yourself, missy. :) I mean, why did you choose to make this move? (Besides the fact that everyone up north is freezing and I was outside in bare feet today.)

Good thing you took out the bare feet part because I was about to gloat.... No really. Hub and I were going nowhere fast in our little part of the northeastern rust belt. Though we loved a lot of things about the city near us, jobs were dwindling, and our opportunities were pretty poor. We both made a list of places we'd like to live. From that list, we chose the places that both of us could handle. Then we researched things like cost of living, proximity to friends or loved ones and job and schooling availabilities for BOTH of us. The only places that offered work AND school opportunities for both were Florida, California and Chicago. Florida was the infinitely cheaper of the group, and a place where I could still be near some of my family, which was way more important to me than it was to him. So Florida it was! Oh.. and I also already had some school and job leads in Florida.Good thing Jen, because it means I got to meet you - a great friend if I ever saw one. :)

2. I've had the pleasure of meeting your husband and the main factor that stands out is that he really loves you. You two have a better than average relationship, or so it appears to me as an outsider. How has the fact that you have struggled with infertility changed your relationship?

Why thank you Jen. We are quite proud of our relationship, and I'm pleased that it appears to others the way it feels to us.

In dealing with infertility, we have had some of the biggest fights and toughest times we've had as a couple. Most of it has had to do with not seeing eye to eye as a man and a woman about the issue, and with my artificial hormone induced crazies. But on the other hand, we've also connected on a deeper level and become each others' strength like never before. Despite the tough times, for the most part, infertility has made us realize the we and the pets really are each others' family. If you had asked us before all this whether we felt like family, we would have answered yes without hesitation. Now however, that feeling seems pale in comparison to this. Both of us feel like it's us against the world. Our little family is the most important thing in our lives, and we'd do anything to protect it. We've also reached a sweetness and honesty that I never knew existed. I feel like we know each other even more deeply into our souls than we already did, and support each others' needs with sincerity. It's sickening I know, but as I told a friend who thinks we're just too unbearably sappy, "That's just because it's something you don't know, and I can never explain it to you adequately. Thus it seems unreal and over the top."

3. Since I know you in real life, I know there are a lot of details about your actual daily life that you keep off your blog for identification purposes. Why did you chose to be this anonymous? Is it difficult to censor yourself this much? (Being that you have the coolest job in the world and two of the cutest pets I have ever seen?)

The coolest job in the world I don't know about, but I like it. As for the pets - yes.. they are the cutest. No doubts. To answer your question: Yes sometimes it is difficult, but not too often. The main difficulty is with the pets. I love them so much, and they provide so much material that it's difficult to refrain. I also bemoan the loss of character driven story telling that would come with a little less anonymity. Characters are my favorite part of a story, and I always feel closest to bloggers who let us in to their lives more with family "characters."

HOWEVER as for why I chose to censor myself- I'm choosy about telling too much about others on my blog. I'm so private in many ways that I hate to lessen the privacy of any others - including Hub (who is even more private than I am).

But the main reason is because if I didn't censor myself to remain somewhat anonymous, then just because of who I am, I'd have to censor myself in the feelings I express on my blog. And that's the main reason for this blog. I NEED it as an outlet for this experience. I need the ideas bounced back and forth with blogging. I need the ALI community. If I wasn't anonymous, I'd have to go password protected for my own sanity, and then I'd feel stifled, just as I'd feel stifled by my own sense of propriety and decorum if I wasn't anonymous. A non-anonymous blog has an even higher chance of reaching people you hadn't intended to tell about it. I'm way too sensitive and anxiety ridden about some of this stuff and about myself to allow many of those in my daily life to see these thoughts. Even with those I know IRL who DO read this blog (JEN ;-), you'll note that I don't often address the things I've said in it when I'm speaking with you in person. It's just awkward for me. Obviously good question. Sorry for the verbosity. ;)

4. Why did you decide to go back to school? And why did you choose the major that you did?

As I've said before (and recently), I can't deal with myself if I'm not achieving or making life or the world better in some way for someone or something. I don't know how it happened, but it fulfills me. I felt in a rut, and going back to school helped that. I also LOVE learning and know that eventually I'll have to make a bit of a career change anyway.

As for the major - Conservation Biology - it falls right in line with all that other stuff I just said. I feel like of all our problems, managing the Earth and its resources is right on top, because without the Earth, really... does any of the rest of it matter? On top of that, wildlife is an absolute lifelong passion. And science is a GREAT cerebral draw to me as well as a big challenge. And I can never seem to back down from a challenge.

5. Am I as crazy in real life as I appear online? Wait, don't answer that. Something about books instead… Okay, I've got one. I've just absorbed you into Madeleine L'Engle. Do you think there are other galaxies out there with intelligent life? If you could visit another galaxy, what would you like it to be like? You are as delightfully silly, thought provokingly complex and charmingly talkative in person as you are in writing.

Secondly - I have to think about this stuff as a scientist, but I'm not well read on the space aspect. So if I sound ignorant about it, that's because I am to an extent. That being said, if the universe really is infinite... something so mind bendingly incomprehensible it actually terrifies me.... then yes, by a sheer numbers game, there HAS to be other intelligent life in the universe. It doesn't make any sense other wise. But again, by a sheer numbers game, the likelihood of us ever MEETING anyone else we could even begin to communicate with is astronomically small.

Another galaxy... hmm. I would like it to challenge my mind's ability to even conceive of it, which I imagine it would. I love things that bend my mind to a place I couldn't have gone on my own. Of course, I would also like it to be a PEACEFULLY mind bending place. ;)

Thanks Jen! That was lots of fun! Am I supposed to offer to interview others now? I can, but my track record at being able to interact reliably due to time constraints is not the best. So if anyone wants to I can, but I'm placing my caveats on it! ;)

It just keeps comin' round....

I'm staring down the barrel of another (just one more of so many I can't remember) round of Provera. I'll probably give it another week, just to give my body the chance, but my gyn doesn't like to let it go for more than 2 months without me bleeding, and I happen to agree with him. I'm definitely not feeling so great about this.

It's a crushing blow for me to go from ovulating on my own 2 cycles in a row on Metformin and even doing better each time, to going a cycle with no ovulation at all. I had hoped it would get even a little better before we'd have to go back to ARTs. I'm an achiever. It's just what I do. When I want something to happen in my life, I make it happen. Sadly, conceiving and giving birth to a baby just doesn't work that way no matter how many Hannah happy faces tell you it does. So no matter how deeply I know the truth that I have very little control in this situation, I still feel the dull thud of failure. I feel like I have failed - failed so many times I can't even count them anymore.

Part of the reason I'm more down about this than usual is that there has been another string of pregnancy announcements and births lately. Sometimes I'm prepared, and it's ok. Then sometimes someone I never suspected surprises me. It's always the surprise that kills ya. I always tell people I rarely cry in front of others except in cases where cruelty or great disappointment come as a shock. It's similar with the depression about this. I have lots of checks and balances in place, but they still need to be methodically implented. If I don't have time to throw up the defenses, things slip through the armor with much more sharpness.

I'm also so tired from being sick and run ragged the last week. How did Grandma say it? "Run hard and put up wet." Yup. That's it. I don't often have that pleased, satisfied tiredness anymore. Tiredness is often just another way for the sadness to slip in.

I don't want you to think I'm not a happy person. Overall, I am happy and so very grateful for the incredible blessings I've been given. I feel more human and fulfilled lately than I've felt since just before we started this horrible babymaking adventure. I can even see where I've learned some wonderful and valuable things through all of it. But I feel my "free time" coming to a close. We're going to have to make a decision about treatments again soon. I need to try very hard to conceive and carry a child. We can adopt, but there are many things blocking that for this moment. Treatment scares me though, because while I like my RE, the way they run the clinic there leaves me with a lack of confidence. What kind of RE only sees his patient for surgery, an insemination, retrieval or transfer? What's with the calling an automated hotline to get your protocol information?

And it's not just that. Will I go through the roller coaster I did before? Will it even work at all? Can we afford to do even one more cycle with IUI? Are we coming to the end?

Sorry for the downer. Have you ever felt you just needed to call a girlfriend and cry on her shoulder about this stuff? But then when you think about who to call, you come up empty? Sure, there may be plenty of amazing, kind hearted people who would be happy to lend their shoulder, but after so many years it's just so difficult to even convey. Not only that, but do you really want to be a downer to yet another friend yet another time? That's my thought stream. So I don't call. I blog. This blog is my girlfriend's shoulder. Jen sent me an interview... a wonderful, fun, light hearted interview that I can't wait to do. One of the questions asks a bit about my anonymity and this blog, and part of that answer is within this post. Without some anonymity, for me, this blog would take a space right next to all the regular friends I'd rather not bother, and it would never see these conflicted swirlings.

Medicine Head

This sickness is just the gift that keeps on giving. Just when you're feeling better and think the worst is over, the next set of symptoms comes up. I took my mid-term despite it since I was no longer alternately shivering my teeth out and sweating my skin off. The tiny mallets banging away behind my eyes and the big one on top of my head had eased quite a bit as well.

I did not do well.

Ah well. These things happen. Sometimes it makes me wonder though why I do choose things that are harder for me? Why don't I go for a journalism degree, a history degree... something in which I feel I was born to revel. Why do I have to make it hard on myself?

As for the sickness, I am now onto a coughing/congestion phase. I remember reading on various boards that you should take decongestants to thin your cervical mucous to make it easier to conceive. I always found that interesting, but never tried it. Let me tell you - it sure works. If abundant CM were all that was required for successful conception, I'd be having the octuplets.

Sick

Very sick. Very compromised in studying and may not be able to take this mid-term. Yes I finished A Wrinkle in Time like a day after I started it and loved it.

Blame

I am in love, and it's all Jen's fault.

When I am studying, I need some sort of mind candy for the little breaks from the intensity. Jen lent me her copy of A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L'Engle, and I've been using that. What a weaver of words that author is! It's somewhat shocking that I have never read her before, but somehow I just never got around to it. The author that I think is the best word crafter of the writers I adore is Robin McKinley. I think Ms. L'Engle just stood right up in line next to her.

Now back to my regularly scheduled studying.

More Excuses

I finished my first Irish Hiking Scarf in a beautiful maroon color but forgot to take a photo of it! Since the yarn was pretty chunky, I used size 7 needles instead of 8's. It turned out beautifully, but it took me MONTHS to finish.*

And speaking of months to finish, in one week I will be taking my first mid-term in NINE YEARS. Folks, I don't know if my brain even works that way anymore! So although I have a bunch of posts in my back pocket that I'm super excited about, blogging is going to be quite spotty for a while. It's killing me to have to just write down the ideas instead of digging in.


*To let you know just how behind I am on just about everything, this scarf was originally intended as a birthday gift way back in May of last year. I didn't even get to start it for that, so it was moved to an intended Christmas gift and started in August. I just finished and sent it last night. Shameful.

Why I <3 Science

One of the reasons I chose to study science is precisely because I am so very right-brained. Science and analytical thinking are a fun (and sometimes frustrating) challenge for me. And as someone who has grown up using a lot of intuition and creative thinking, I appreciate the answers we can gather with science and math. Also, as someone who used ARTS (assisted reproductive technologies), I know that without some of our best doctors and scientists, I would not have had these chances. Now having said that, I also think that intuition, holistic thinking and creativity sometimes play a major role when science doesn't have the answers. To me, arts and sciences go hand in hand. I just happen to think that most of America leans heavily away from the analytical aspect. That's why I really like this update from President Obama. With the economic craziness, who knows if it even has a chance to happen. But boy would it be nice if it did. Now we can only hope that we dedicate more to our school arts programs as well. Although honestly, our arts program at my tiny, poor, rural school was alive and well because it was much more affordable. It was our science program that suffered so badly.


Speaking of the economics - spot on video by Jon Stewart about the "great bailout announcement" by the treasury secretary, and Wall Street's arrogant response.