It's cycle day 28. No ovulation. No period. It's just cycle day 28. It's back to the usual for me I guess. it's not even a question of when I'll ovulate, but if. And that is a very big if. So there goes the hope that maybe just by fixing my tsh levels that I'd have a better chance. I really really hope that CE has some good ideas. I'm very suspicious about my prolactin levels; especially since I've heard of other women having problems at levels lower than mine. Ah well. See how much I'm not over my infertility? To think that I'd even hope to ovulate this month is just crazy. At this point, I would just welcome a period before 3 months goes by. That would be nice. (Of course I'll take progesterone to bring it on before then. No worries. I will not deal with those heavy awful periods anymore at least.)
Speaking of not being over my infertility: I scheduled an appointment with a therapist. I called quite a few before I found one that may be a fit for me. All I can say is that there must be some bad ones out there. One man I talked to sounded suspiciously like he was talking to me from his home phone, and that I had distracted him from the game or something. On top of that, he was very gruff even while grunting that, "Yeah," he'd counseled people with infertility, "many times." He was just the person to whom I could imagine spilling my emotional guts. The woman I picked sounded very sweet and competent though. Wish me luck!
On the financial and work front, things are settling. We figured out a tolerable solution to our tax dilemma. We may not be able to do the things we need to this year, but we're saved as far as bills and feeding ourselves goes. To that note, I also managed to snag some overtime! Hurray! That should help cover that darn Malabrigo! (Did I mention that I'm in love with that yarn?)
At work, we were able to work on some solutions to some of our team problems, and I helped to orchestrate that. I'm quite proud of myself and only hope that this is the path to better things for us. I really love my job and team, so I desperately want to make it work.
Oh yeah, and for all of you who responded so kindly to my last post, I answered within the comments.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
The Good, the Bad and the Pretty Darn Beautiful
This weekend was very bittersweet. There was so much to be appreciated amongst so much bad luck. I'll start with the bad.
We recently found out that our real estate taxes went up more than they had estimated they would. On top of that, our mortgage company did not take enough out for escrow last year, so we owe them a short fall. If we stay with escrow, they want a 2 month cushion. Understandable. However, that would mean that our house payments (plus escrow) would go up over $300/month! There is no way in God's green Earth that we can afford to make those payments. If we pull out of escrow, we'd just owe the mortgage company the shortfall, and our payments would go up just a little. Then we'd have to save for taxes and insurance ourselves. There is so much to be considered here. No wonder people lose their houses when they could afford them initially! The county simply took a lot higher percentage rate this year than they said they would. How can we possibly know that's coming?? I'm going to have to work really hard to get overtime work, and DH is considering getting a second job. This means that even though state adoption is much more affordable for us, it's shelved until we can get a little more stable. This economy sucks giant hairy ones. I hate it.
Ready for the good? I thought so. On Monday I met up with a fellow infertile! Her name is Stephanie and we met through this blog. It was slightly spur of the moment, and I was very excited. For some inexplicable reason, I was all worried that she would think I looked ok and not too much like a goof. In general, I wanted her to like me since we seemed to have a lot in common through the 'net. This thinking is what led me to even wear mascara! I never wear mascara!! I neglected to mention this to her when she confessed to me that she wore lipstick for the same reason.
We met up at Panera Bread for some yummy soup and a nice long chat. She was very pretty and approachable, and surprisingly, very like I pictured her. The nice thing is that we were able to talk about our lives as a whole with infertility as a horrible part of it. I think now, I need people like that who have been in the trenches for a while. I can't focus solely on IF or I'll go crazy. Another nice thing is that I felt some of that "fellowship of IF" that I've felt with other people. The same happened when I met L at the acupuncture office, and when my local pharmacist chatted me up about IVF. There are just clues that IF veterans give off in certain situations that let you both know you have something in common. Then you can breathe and lower your walls. But those stories will come in another post.
For now, just know that it was wonderful to finally meet up with another IFer in person for a change. The other 2 women I've met have been very busy (happily since they are now pregnant!) and we've had a hard time catching up. We will probably meet again, and if anyone in the Central Florida area is interested, please contact me! You can find the info on the Stirrup Queen's website.
Furthermore, I met up with a long time friend today! To get to her, I got to drive through some of the unspoiled regions of Florida, and it eased my soul. Wetlands, forests, palmetto and scrub were a feast for the eyes. The weather has been absolutely beautiful; 70's, clear and sunny. We met in a quaint little historic district near the ocean, and she bought me some yummy Mexican food. Afterward we wandered the little shops where I found....
...YARN FOR MY SCARF! It's by Malabrigo,
and it's scrumptious. I bought the variegated Merino color called stonechat. It was more than I should have spent, but I'll work extra or sell something else on ebay. It's entirely worth it.
So how's that for a bittersweet few days? There has been a lot of good. It's just that the bad is so bad that it barely balances. I know many many of us are in tough spots right now, so best wishes to us all.
We recently found out that our real estate taxes went up more than they had estimated they would. On top of that, our mortgage company did not take enough out for escrow last year, so we owe them a short fall. If we stay with escrow, they want a 2 month cushion. Understandable. However, that would mean that our house payments (plus escrow) would go up over $300/month! There is no way in God's green Earth that we can afford to make those payments. If we pull out of escrow, we'd just owe the mortgage company the shortfall, and our payments would go up just a little. Then we'd have to save for taxes and insurance ourselves. There is so much to be considered here. No wonder people lose their houses when they could afford them initially! The county simply took a lot higher percentage rate this year than they said they would. How can we possibly know that's coming?? I'm going to have to work really hard to get overtime work, and DH is considering getting a second job. This means that even though state adoption is much more affordable for us, it's shelved until we can get a little more stable. This economy sucks giant hairy ones. I hate it.
Ready for the good? I thought so. On Monday I met up with a fellow infertile! Her name is Stephanie and we met through this blog. It was slightly spur of the moment, and I was very excited. For some inexplicable reason, I was all worried that she would think I looked ok and not too much like a goof. In general, I wanted her to like me since we seemed to have a lot in common through the 'net. This thinking is what led me to even wear mascara! I never wear mascara!! I neglected to mention this to her when she confessed to me that she wore lipstick for the same reason.
We met up at Panera Bread for some yummy soup and a nice long chat. She was very pretty and approachable, and surprisingly, very like I pictured her. The nice thing is that we were able to talk about our lives as a whole with infertility as a horrible part of it. I think now, I need people like that who have been in the trenches for a while. I can't focus solely on IF or I'll go crazy. Another nice thing is that I felt some of that "fellowship of IF" that I've felt with other people. The same happened when I met L at the acupuncture office, and when my local pharmacist chatted me up about IVF. There are just clues that IF veterans give off in certain situations that let you both know you have something in common. Then you can breathe and lower your walls. But those stories will come in another post.
For now, just know that it was wonderful to finally meet up with another IFer in person for a change. The other 2 women I've met have been very busy (happily since they are now pregnant!) and we've had a hard time catching up. We will probably meet again, and if anyone in the Central Florida area is interested, please contact me! You can find the info on the Stirrup Queen's website.
Furthermore, I met up with a long time friend today! To get to her, I got to drive through some of the unspoiled regions of Florida, and it eased my soul. Wetlands, forests, palmetto and scrub were a feast for the eyes. The weather has been absolutely beautiful; 70's, clear and sunny. We met in a quaint little historic district near the ocean, and she bought me some yummy Mexican food. Afterward we wandered the little shops where I found....
...YARN FOR MY SCARF! It's by Malabrigo,
and it's scrumptious. I bought the variegated Merino color called stonechat. It was more than I should have spent, but I'll work extra or sell something else on ebay. It's entirely worth it.So how's that for a bittersweet few days? There has been a lot of good. It's just that the bad is so bad that it barely balances. I know many many of us are in tough spots right now, so best wishes to us all.
Random Knitting News
So... I finally mastered the pattern to make My So Called Scarf! However, I made a very poor yarn choice. It was the only variegated yarn I saw, and was in beautiful colors, but the weight of it does not work for this scarf. I can't afford to buy the Manos del Uruguay yarn - beautiful as it is. So I'm on the hunt for affordable variegated yarn that will work well with this pattern. If anyone has any recommendations, please let me know.
I may venture out a bit to see a yarn shop I just found that looks very promising. Why can none of them be close to me though??
Gotta run. I'm meeting up with a friend soon. I also met up with another friend yesterday and plan to blog about it, but that (along with my financial woes) will have to wait until I get back. ;-)
I may venture out a bit to see a yarn shop I just found that looks very promising. Why can none of them be close to me though??
Gotta run. I'm meeting up with a friend soon. I also met up with another friend yesterday and plan to blog about it, but that (along with my financial woes) will have to wait until I get back. ;-)
Friday, January 25, 2008
Unsung Lullabies: Introduction & Chapter 1
Discussion link at bottom
I already really like this book. Everything is described so succinctly and accurately. The Introduction basically covers the authors' backgrounds and their reasons for writing the book and founding the Center for Reproductive Psychology. All 3 of the authors have experienced infertility. However, David Diamond's story was profound for me. I am not blind to the pain that men feel during this experience, but Dave illustrated some of the misconceptions very well. In his account, Dave's friend responds to the news of their IVF by telling him the story of another friend who underwent IVF, only to lose the baby late in pregnancy. The kicker is that before telling the story, Dave's friend cautions him not to tell his wife because, "it will upset her."
Dave's private response is shock and anger. He is surprised that his friend would think that Dave is immune to the same kind of pain and worry his wife is experiencing. He writes, "What about the man? What about me?" It made me think about my husband, and how he's going through a lot of the same emotional turmoil that I'm experiencing, but that he doesn't voice it as much, nor does he get as much support from others. I worry about that and hope that I at least am meeting his needs in that area.
Part 1 is entitled, "Reproductive Trauma. What Happens When Things Go Wrong?" The first chapter is, "This Isn't How it Was Supposed to Be." Most of the first chapter is basically a rehash of all the reasons that infertility sucks. I could definitely identify, and it felt good to see all my feelings validated on paper by a professional.
The word "trauma" jumped out at me though. They say, "A trauma is any event or feeling that goes beyond the range of usual human experience and is overwhelming either physically, emotionally, or both." I had never thought to use the word "trauma" to describe this ordeal, but it most certainly fits the bill. Is this overwhelming physically? Of course it is! The fact that I no longer fear the pain of childbirth like I once did is testament to that. And if anyone questions me on the physical distress, I'll point to my endometrial biopsy with its incredibly painful complications. Or how about the HSG, the shots, the horrible cramping and swollen, painful ovaries, the intense bloating, the hot flashes, the IUI, the laproscopy and hysterscopy? OK, but that's the treatment, not the disease some would say. Well, to that I say, take one of my horribly painful, heavy periods or deal with the fatigue and joint pain that comes along with PCOS and hypothyroid. Then you can judge. As for emotional distress... wow. I don't think I even have to touch that one! Besides, I'm probably preaching to the choir here on this stuff. Let me just say that it's bad enough to deal with infertility itself. But when you add mood altering chemicals in large quantities?? I never imagined I was capable of such rage, anxiety and despair.
So, to sum it up, I feel like we've only just brushed the surface of the issues in this book. But I was already able to reflect more on the unique pain that men feel in this situation. I'm also glad that they introduced me to the use of the word trauma to describe infertility. It seemed to validate my situation somehow, and that's something that helps me feel less crazy. I'm always on the lookout for less of the crazy.
See you next Saturday for the next installment!
Move to the next blogger: Validation
I already really like this book. Everything is described so succinctly and accurately. The Introduction basically covers the authors' backgrounds and their reasons for writing the book and founding the Center for Reproductive Psychology. All 3 of the authors have experienced infertility. However, David Diamond's story was profound for me. I am not blind to the pain that men feel during this experience, but Dave illustrated some of the misconceptions very well. In his account, Dave's friend responds to the news of their IVF by telling him the story of another friend who underwent IVF, only to lose the baby late in pregnancy. The kicker is that before telling the story, Dave's friend cautions him not to tell his wife because, "it will upset her."
Dave's private response is shock and anger. He is surprised that his friend would think that Dave is immune to the same kind of pain and worry his wife is experiencing. He writes, "What about the man? What about me?" It made me think about my husband, and how he's going through a lot of the same emotional turmoil that I'm experiencing, but that he doesn't voice it as much, nor does he get as much support from others. I worry about that and hope that I at least am meeting his needs in that area.
Part 1 is entitled, "Reproductive Trauma. What Happens When Things Go Wrong?" The first chapter is, "This Isn't How it Was Supposed to Be." Most of the first chapter is basically a rehash of all the reasons that infertility sucks. I could definitely identify, and it felt good to see all my feelings validated on paper by a professional.
The word "trauma" jumped out at me though. They say, "A trauma is any event or feeling that goes beyond the range of usual human experience and is overwhelming either physically, emotionally, or both." I had never thought to use the word "trauma" to describe this ordeal, but it most certainly fits the bill. Is this overwhelming physically? Of course it is! The fact that I no longer fear the pain of childbirth like I once did is testament to that. And if anyone questions me on the physical distress, I'll point to my endometrial biopsy with its incredibly painful complications. Or how about the HSG, the shots, the horrible cramping and swollen, painful ovaries, the intense bloating, the hot flashes, the IUI, the laproscopy and hysterscopy? OK, but that's the treatment, not the disease some would say. Well, to that I say, take one of my horribly painful, heavy periods or deal with the fatigue and joint pain that comes along with PCOS and hypothyroid. Then you can judge. As for emotional distress... wow. I don't think I even have to touch that one! Besides, I'm probably preaching to the choir here on this stuff. Let me just say that it's bad enough to deal with infertility itself. But when you add mood altering chemicals in large quantities?? I never imagined I was capable of such rage, anxiety and despair.
So, to sum it up, I feel like we've only just brushed the surface of the issues in this book. But I was already able to reflect more on the unique pain that men feel in this situation. I'm also glad that they introduced me to the use of the word trauma to describe infertility. It seemed to validate my situation somehow, and that's something that helps me feel less crazy. I'm always on the lookout for less of the crazy.
See you next Saturday for the next installment!
Move to the next blogger: Validation
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Hail the Conquering Heroine!
I found this wonderful quiz link at Living a New Life with Infertility. I think my results are fairly accurate. However, I believe that I'm a bit more emotional (you say, "a bit?") than she is.
I must have absorbed some of her "sense." I had a very productive and satisfying meeting with one of my bigger bosses today. He was unaware of some of the problems our team is facing and wanted to address them. He also is helping me a lot in my career development. I had been feeling very boxed in. Finally, I can exhale a little about work.
I must have absorbed some of her "sense." I had a very productive and satisfying meeting with one of my bigger bosses today. He was unaware of some of the problems our team is facing and wanted to address them. He also is helping me a lot in my career development. I had been feeling very boxed in. Finally, I can exhale a little about work.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Stringing You Along
So far I really like Unsung Lullabies. I'm actually excited to write my post for Saturday's update. I'm trying hard to keep from reading too much at one time so that I'm able to really reflect on the passages for each week. I think moving through this book and blogging about it will be cathartic. I've already had a few "a-ha" moments.
I've also begun looking into counseling. Surprisingly, my insurance coverage for it is very good, so there's no reason not to do it. Plus, I've been having more and more trouble balancing my issues with infertility, adoption and work without help. And I really want to be able to move on at some point so that we can start the family we've always wanted. However, I fear that if we did that right now without help, there may be disastrous results. I very much feel like I'm going through a mid-life crisis at 30. Unsung Lullabies covers some of the reasons for why that may be so, and I can't wait to get to that chapter.
Is this what they call a "teaser?"
I've also begun looking into counseling. Surprisingly, my insurance coverage for it is very good, so there's no reason not to do it. Plus, I've been having more and more trouble balancing my issues with infertility, adoption and work without help. And I really want to be able to move on at some point so that we can start the family we've always wanted. However, I fear that if we did that right now without help, there may be disastrous results. I very much feel like I'm going through a mid-life crisis at 30. Unsung Lullabies covers some of the reasons for why that may be so, and I can't wait to get to that chapter.
Is this what they call a "teaser?"
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
I Voted!
At least that's what my sticker says. Unfortunately, I didn't realize that I wasn't under a party affiliation though I had asked to be registered under one. So I didn't get to vote for the Presidential primaries. However, Florida may get slapped on the wrist (or more appropriately maybe - punched in the face) for having their primaries so early that Democrats may not even allow their votes to count. Joy. It's not the voters' fault that the legislature wanted to move up the primaries. sigh. Sometimes I feel almost as helpless in politics as I do in this whole infertility business. Although I did at least get to vote on the inclusion of a possible tax amendment for the big day.
OK, I've got to change the subject QUICK before I bum myself out! I got Unsung Lullabies in the mail today! Finally! Don't worry. I'll have the intro and first chapter finished long before my update on Saturday. I'm a fast reader and am very interested in this book.
Other than that, life is pretty slow right now. I can't seem to get everything done around the house that I'd like to, but that's nothing new. Tell me again why I have to work? Oh yeah.. that money thing. Right.
OK, I've got to change the subject QUICK before I bum myself out! I got Unsung Lullabies in the mail today! Finally! Don't worry. I'll have the intro and first chapter finished long before my update on Saturday. I'm a fast reader and am very interested in this book.
Other than that, life is pretty slow right now. I can't seem to get everything done around the house that I'd like to, but that's nothing new. Tell me again why I have to work? Oh yeah.. that money thing. Right.
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