Bad News

I just got a call saying that my Grandfather is back in the hospital. It's only a matter of time I think at this point. The aunts and uncles like to keep it optimistic looking, but they're just still trying to protect us "kids." You know what's the worst? I'm the oldest grandchild, and all he wanted was to see me have his first great grandchild just as his father was able to do. And if the hub and I had had it our way, Grandfather would have already been able to hold his great grandchild and to see it take its first steps. It just F-ing SUCKS.

I know it's not my fault, and I know he would never want me to feel this way, but I just feel so sad that I didn't get to share that joy with him. We were always very close and seeing his love for my child would have been a beautiful blessing to carry with me always.

Fill in the Blank

This was a forward originally titled "Menopause Jewelry," but I think it should be blank as many of us could insert many other words. For me it would be "Clomid." What would you fill in the bank with?

______________ JEWELRY

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big f*cking red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
Dumbass.

Of course, I love my husband dearly, and actually thank him for his patience, but this struck me funny. When I'm in my Clomid swings, I'm not so magnanimous. ;-)

The Office - SPOILERS!

Season premier tonight! It was pretty funny. Yaaaaaay Pam & Jim! I thought that was very well played. I'm breathing a big sigh of relief that they didn't fall into the sitcom "will they, won't they" trap. Thoughts?

Lunch Time Revelations

My fun event for the day was a peer support group outing at The Cheesecake Factory! I took the day off work to go (yippee!), and it was sponsored and totally free for us! This is the first day in a long time I've taken off work just for me. Boy is it worth it. I think I'm officially out of my funk.

I have been looking forward to this event for about a month, but I have to say, it wasn't exactly what I was expecting. When we arrived many of the couples (and singles) were already there. Everyone greeted us, and we just chatted until all arrived and food could be ordered. We didn't have to stand up and state our names and problems or anything. I also didn't feel the connection with some of the ladies that I've felt immediately with other "infertiles."

I did realize something however. I realized that for the first time in a long time, I am not my infertility! There were a few women there who seemed to still be in that place. They were consumed with discussing every detail of every treatment and making sure all were in agreement. In the meantime, I was happy to discuss our problems in the context of our lives. We met a lovely couple with whom we discussed work, our city, social problems and preferences along with our medical issues. It was important to me, but not the only aspect of our or others' lives in which I was interested. Don't get me wrong. It was nice to discuss various problems with these people face to face. But since they were strangers, it was a little difficult for me to launch right into my life story.

There was a very nice, but slightly odd woman there who asked each person immediately as they entered, "So what's your story? What's wrong with you?" Both DH and I paused and blinked at her a moment before answering. She also had a lot of answers for us despite the fact that even though she's had 7 IUI's, she didn't know what they were called, and at one point called it an "IVI." She was also very confused about LH, FSH and any other hormone we routinely deal with. I guess she was entertaining at least. But I'm glad we sat across from the more normal couple.

In short, it was fun, but surprising in ways. I willingly signed peoples' books with my email address, but I don't know that I'm going to keep up with them. The food was yummy (more detail in a minute), and bless my sweet sweet hubster for coming out with me. What a gem!

THE FOOD

We could order anything we wanted! How great is that?
Appetizers: DH had fried calamari, and I had Thai lettuce wraps. I don't eat squid, so can't talk about that, but the lettuce wraps were YUM! And good for me too! (points for later)

Lunch: DH had spicy crispy beef, and I had chicken piccata (lemon sauce and capers). The sauce & veggies in the beef dish were fabulous. My chicken left a little to be desired. I like more lemon and caper taste in mine.

Dessert: DH ordered a Kahlua chocolate cake (I think), and I got a caramel apple dumpling. See, that's where the points from the lettuce wraps come in. I lost a lot with that decadent dessert. I thought maybe if there was fruit in it, it wouldn't be SO bad. I could only eat a third of it though! It was sooooo sweet! I'm just not used to that anymore. It's a little sad, and good at the same time. It's going to take me days to finish it.

So after all that, I'm still tired but feeling better. I watched Knocked Up the other night with DH and blubbered a bit. Then I got out my knitting for the first time in a while and was soothed by the beautiful yarn and the clicking of the smooth, cool needles. That marked the beginning of my entrance back into the land of the normal. Thanks for all your kind thoughts and comments!

First Ever Poll & a Mish Mash of Thoughts

I had noticed that many of us with some sort of reproductive or thyroid autoimmune issue seem to also deal with eczema, which is also thought to be autoimmune disorder related. I have had it all my life. My most chronic spot is the back of my head, but it has found its way into my ears and onto my eyelids (ouch!) in the past. I can be very thankful that mine is a fairly mild sort. I'm curious to see how many of us with fertility issues also have eczema, so I put up my first ever poll (located on the sidebar)! Please share!!

I think, thanks to my new fatigued state, that I'm back into my depression round again. I rather liked the anger. It was very invigorating. Oh well. Part of it too is that I'm on round two (or is it three?) of "people who decided to start trying after you and are now expecting babies." The first time I experienced that, it stung, but I handled it. That group now has beautiful babes in arms from their efforts. Now most of the new group is already well on the way to delivery, with some coming up right behind them. There are no less than 5 close friends/family expecting now, and most of them were blessed very quickly upon deciding to conceive. Thank goodness almost all of them are close to me, so the sting is less. I feel like such a heel, but I've described my disgruntled attitude this way:

It's as if you're standing in a really long line at the DMV for your first license at 16. You stand patiently and do everything you can to cooperate with the people there so that you won't be delayed any longer. You repeatedly approach the window, only to be told there's another form to fill out. You obediently do so, and patiently get back in the long line. Just as you fill out what you think may be the last form, someone rushes in, knocks you down and takes your spot in line. As you lie there on the floor, you burn in frustration and jealousy.

It's weird I know, but it often really does feel like you've been shoved in line. And like I said, I feel like a total heel for having those emotions. The best I can do though, is be very honest with those close to me about them and hope they can put up with me. Thank God most of the people pregnant right now (minus Pregzilla) have been complete angels about all this despite the fact that they are dealing with their own problems. I can't thank them enough for their kindness and patience.

I DO have a fun barbecue at work tomorrow, and a really fun surprise for Thursday. So I promise the next few posts won't be so down.

Completely Exhausted

I'm back into exhaustion mode for some inexplicable reason. Is it due to the bcps? Maybe it's the extra humidity we've had lately? I don't know why, but I'm almost as bad as I was before the Synthroid, and it's really pissing me off. Maybe once the new 75mcg dose kicks in I'll feel better. For right now though, it's time for another nap....

The Joys of Pregnancy?

Every week I deal with what I initially thought was a Pregna Donna*. However, I now realize that she has been misdiagnosed, and is in reality, a Pregzilla. Surely you're heard of Bridezillas? (and yes, I'm pretty sure she was one of those as well) Well, if you have, Pregzilla needs no explanation.

Not only does this girl want the universe to revolve around her unnecessarily, she wants it to revolve around her NOW and at DOUBLE the speed of light DAMMIT. If this does not occur, you will pay. It doesn't even have to be your fault. Her midday snack could be causing her heartburn, but by GOD, this means the pregnancy isn't perfect, therefore the universe must have shifted its attention to someone else, and you are going to pay for it!

Since Pregzilla takes joy in causing others grief, and in fact, brags about it, there's no telling what wonderful torture she's cooked up for you. The kicker is, you rarely know what happened to incur the wrath, and it lasts for a week or more.

It's getting s o f * * * i n g e x h a u s t i n g. I get to watch her moan about how awful pregnancy is, and how she can't manage simple tasks because (stage whisper) "she's pregnant." She does this all while rubbing her non-existent belly and grimacing. But that I can handle. What I can't handle is that on TOP of that she treats me and others like dirt and causes so much anxiety for everyone else! It's so tiring to make sure Pregzilla realizes that she doesn't affect me. So she's a double whammy. I deal with that awful burn in the pit of my belly when I see her that says, "You can't do this. You can't watch another person conceive and deliver a beautiful child while you still wait." But I also get the anxious jitters that say, "How is she going to treat you today? How will you deal with it?"

I seriously get this insane urge to give her a kick in the head. But I don't think I'm flexible enough to lift my leg that high...

Some people just friggen suck.

*Thanks to Bea at Infertile Fantasies for the term.