Letters to Babybutt

Dear E,

When you sprawl across my chest, your hot little cheek pressed to my collarbone, I feel whole. I am home. Your light is the brightest thing in my existence.

M

First Session

My first session went really well. Like everyone else, she is also in love with FavoriteOB. She is also a therapist who seems very competent. (Unlike non-Dr. B) I felt very comfortable with her, and I think this just might help. Just knowing that I have these sessions in my back pocket takes a big weight off my shoulders. We'll call her L from now on.

L started by getting to know me like I feel most anyone would. She asked lots of questions and inserted a few pearls of wisdom. She told me that this is very common and very treatable. She also asked if I had any family here (no), very many non-work friends nearby as support (no), or if it was possible for me to work part-time (no). These are all things I have imagined would help me greatly as well, so she gets points for getting the obvious. It's astounding sometimes how many people don't.

She also got points with me for pulling out a lot of the psychology stuff I remember from school and have used in my job. I know it's obvious she should know that stuff better than I do, but again, remember Non-Dr. B.

She has said we will do this in little steps. So far she's brought up what I've felt I had difficulty dealing with. She's concerned about my self-esteem and thinks I'm probably suffering from separation anxiety from E as part of the issues. She also figures I have an anxiety disorder partly genetic as my Mom suffers from great anxiety and partly situational. She says they pretty much usually just snowball, so it's good to get help younger like I am.

My homework right now is to stop asking "what if," and live in the now. It's also to ask myself if there is real evidence of the bad things I think of my situation and me. For example, "So and so might not respect me." Have they said they don't respect me? If not, then don't worry about it. However, I have had people tell me they respect that I juggle full time work and mothering. I have evidence of that respect, so I should focus on that as a truth.

She has counseled patience, with which I often struggle. It will take time, but I already feel like things are heading in the right direction.

No Nap!

An angry baby is currently yelling/fake crying at me that he would like to NOT NAP please. This is a new development. I blame Elizabeth for putting ideas into his little head.

PCOS - the syndrome full of surprises

See that? At first glance, you may think that's a photo of a man's male pattern baldness. But nope, that's my head. Notice the new little wispy hair growth though? That growth wasn't always there. I noticed it not long after I gave birth to E because I thought how funny it was that it resembled how his hair started to come back in after his first hair loss. At the time I just assumed it was regrowth of hair I lost post partum. But now upon further reflection I realize I never had hair there. I used to have such a bad widow's peak that I was embarrassed to pull my hair back and had to arrange my side bangs just so to cover the bald spot. I thought it was a genetic thing that I developed as an adult. Now I think that it's good old PCOS rearing her stupid bitch head again. I had read that women diagnosed with it sometimes had hair loss issues usually reserved for men due to wacky hormone levels, but never thought about it applying to me. I speculate that 9.5 months of pregnancy and 8 months of breast feeding have allowed my cysty, crusty ovaries to catch a break, thus reducing the level of androgens in my body, THUS allowing me to get a more decent hair line back!

Now I cry to think it's probably only short lived. Ah well. I'll just glory in it for now. Stupid effing syndrome.

The Way in Which I am NOT Alternative

I've been more nervous lately about the whole non-vaccination movement. The reason I've become more bothered is because I now know someone who has currently chosen the non-vaccination route with a 6 month old baby and may continue to travel that path. This someone wants our babies to be playmates. I used to think that could be fun, but now I'm not completely comfortable with E being around this child. Even though E is vaccinated, the schedule is not yet complete, so he is vulnerable to some diseases. Furthermore, as you probably know, vaccinations do not provide 100% immunity 100% of the time, but the system works brilliantly when everyone is vaccinated. I would just rather not chance E being exposed to any of the awful diseases one can contract even if his schedule was complete. I might reconsider somewhat if we were really close, but we have really different personalities and interests, and this is not the only matter in which we differ. I think even if I did decide to maintain play dates with her, this would bother me to the point that it would show in our interactions. How the Hell do I tell her all this though? Or do I just bite the bullet and avoid most of the time so that we are only around them once in a while?

The nice thing to know is that according to the CDC, approximately 99% of U.S. parents currently choose to vaccinate their children - delayed schedule or not. Please, please do your research if you are trying to make the decision about vaccinations. And if you don't trust Doctors and scientists, learn how scientific studies work and how to read them. I sometimes take having a science background for granted. It makes for a lot of piece of mind to be able to do my research and make decisions based on solid evidence. Or just ask grandparents who may have witnessed the devastation some of these diseases caused. It's a lot easier to make the decision not to vaccinate when you really don't think there's a chance your family could experience such a thing or you've never seen how awful it can be.

I Know my Baby Loves Me

Last night I was upset over yet again forgetting to do something very important at work. A coworker caught it thank goodness, but I'm beyond frustrated with myself. I was also just exhausted and feeling anxious and down in general. E obviously picked up on it. He was hanging on to his lovey (one of those little blanket pals) while Hub held him. As I talked to E, he pushed the lovey to my face and smiled. He did this not once, but three times. I thanked him and kissed him after each time.

I don't know if he was offering me his lovey in aid, if he was making the lovey kiss me like we do for him, or if he even knew what he was doing, but it was incredibly sweet. It was my happy thought throughout today.

I will probably see a therapist sometime next week. It feels very surreal to be saying that. Sometimes I feel like I'm a fraud and don't really need one. That's why I have to make the appointment quickly before I convince myself it's not important.

Getting Help

Today seemed so good, but then my faulty brain kicked in yet again, and it came crashing down around my ears. Tonight I called to be sure my insurance covered a therapist FavoriteOB recommended. They do. Tomorrow I'm calling to make an appointment with her. I've been trying to do it on my own for too long. I need help.