The HPT Story

It all started with a good cervical position and plenty of mucous. Appetizing no? I noticed this cycle that although the signs did not exhibit themselves until almost cycle day 30, they were really good signs. In fact, the only other time I had signs that good was my first cycle on Femara with IUI - the one where I got pregnant. Plus, the Hub had been popping those Zinc lozenges to avoid a cold for a few months. I thought, "Hey - it's the best chance we've had in a while." So we went for it - once. What? I'm not a wild college girl anymore. I'm sleepy!

Near the end of my luteal phase, I started to get suspicious. I had an episode of extreme drama and depression. It just seemed oddly out of place. It was also a similarity to the infamous Femara/iui cycle. Overall though, things were just a little different for me than usual. I generally abhor the "How do I know I'm pregnant?" stuff in the two week wait because one person's "sign" is another person's normal situation. For me, changes in the way my body reacts to luteal phase and oncoming AF are good indicators. I have a pretty regular system in that way.

So Hub and I gave each other funny looks and had intense brief stares, but danced a nervous, fearful jig around what we really dared to think. Both of us knew the other suspected, but neither one of us wanted to be the fool or to make the other hope.

Then came the day it felt as if my period was coming. It was way too early for those kinds of cramps. Again - it was completely abnormal for me and very in line with what happened on "that cycle." I very rarely test anymore, but then I found a coupon for First Response and decided that was it. I would test, but I wouldn't tell Hub anything about it per the usual. When it was negative, I'd just throw it in the trash can tucked under other articles so he wouldn't see. He didn't even know that I bought it, though later he said he wanted to ask me if I would test. That would have been the first time he ever asked. He never even posed the question during treatments.

So, my body was weird, my emotions were weird, and all this unspoken communication was zipping between Hub and me. At 14 days past ovulation (dpo), I decided I would test early in the morning after Hub left for work. I feigned sleepiness as he got ready, but inside I was jittery and anxious. As soon as he left, I jumped up and did the deed. I sat there on the toilet and prepared to put the test aside as I usually do - maybe in the effort to prolong the hope? But before I could even put it down, I saw the beginnings of a second, faint line. "That's just the test line," I muttered to myself. But then I looked again and huffed, "Holy SHIT! Ho-LY SHIT! That's the pregnancy line!" It's a good thing I was alone because I must have sounded batshit crazy.

I dropped the test to the floor and chanted, "ohgodohgodohgodohgodohgodohgod I'm pregnanti'mpregnanti'mpregnant ohgod." I had decided that if it were positive, I'd plan some really fun way to tell Hub when he got home, or I'd just drive up to his office and tell him there. Yeah right - like I have that kind of restraint.

With shaking hands I grabbed my phone. When Hub answered, the exchange went like this:

Me: HON - Can you pull of the road?

Hub: What???

Me: Just pull off the road, I need to tell you something!
(you may think I'm cruel, but I'm the excitable one, not him, so he was safe and calm. plus, he's used to my drama)

Hub: I'm on the HIGHWAY! I can't! Just tell me.

Me: Yes you can! There's a shoulder!

Hub: (exasperated) BABE. Tell me.

Me: I'm PREGNANT! I'm FUCKING PREGNANT!*

Hub: WOW! Whoa! That's AMAZING! You're PREGNANT??? WOW Babes! Good job!
(I chuckle at the good job bit)

We chittered on for a few minutes, and he said he was so glad I told him first thing. He was on cloud nine all day at work, so excited that we did it without intervention. I honestly think that's what had him so excited immediately and why he didn't protect himself like usual. It so surprised him that it would happen at all, and he was so happy for that fact alone, that he already felt like he'd been given a prize.

I called Endo and FavoriteOBGYN who had always said they needed to be the next call after Hub, and both acted immediately. The funny thing is, when I got into the waiting room for my obgyn that day, I still felt so out of place. Not only was I living in this strange dreamworld that couldn't exist, but I was there surrounded by pregnant bellies and babies. I even had a surge of some of the old resentment. I felt like the valedictorian marching band leader in the middle of a sorority party. It was just a very out of body experience. If this all goes well, I don't think I'll ever be one of those women who look so smug and entitled (to my eyes), with my hands resting on my belly, expecting all kinds of special attention. I just can't.

Since then, everyone has been wonderful. Our first ultrasound is less than 2 weeks away, and we hope to tell a few more people after that. Hub has been very solicitous, and that is a very fun thing. Anything I should be asking for right now?


*Sorry. That word needed to be whole and unedited in this situation.

Mailbox Love

Getting the mail is one of my favorite parts of my day. In spite of the bills accumulated as an adult, the mailbox has just always felt like a present and surprise receptacle. And if there's anything I love - it's a surprise. Ask Hub. He'll tell you I'm near to obsession with it.

Today I was rewarded for my obsession because Mel's book arrived! So nope, not in the mood to tell my story just now. I am currently chomping at the bit to dig in. I read some bits and pieces while the computer was loading up and let me tell you, the "thank you" section had me all weepy. Thank God there were no Galapagos tortoises involved, or reinforcements may have been necessary.

Dropout

I have decided to be optimistic and to not register for classes in the fall. We're already so behind on house stuff due to my school work and Hub's extra project that I can hardly stand it. I can't even imagine what it could be like later. Also, there aren't that many classes offered in which I'm interested. There was one in the spring that I was dying to take, but if a certain complication arrives, it's a welcome trade. I mean, let's be honest here. While I love doing it, school was a very definite second choice for me at this point in my life. I'll still work on those other goals - just a little more slowly. Family has always been my main interest in life.

I'm toying with whether to post the whole story of how we "found out," but just don't know if it's necessary or overkill, or if I even want to. Any input?

ADDENDUM: I got an A in my conservation genetics class!!!! WAHOO! I thought it was a B for sure!

Scared

Today was the first day of my two week class. I made friendly with a bunch of people and even got comfortable enough to sit with my feet tucked under me while munching some snacks. (always the snacks) Later in the day, one of my newfound friends whispered to me that there was a stain on the seat of my pants very low. She looked embarrassed when she said it, prompting my response, "Is it just dirt?" She seemed hesitant before shaking her head.

You can imagine how this freaked me out. It didn't matter that I had just gone to the bathroom minutes before with no blood. It didn't matter that when I felt the spot, it felt crusty. All that mattered was that I had been cramping a bit today, and some girl thought she might see blood in a very strategic spot. Even though we were in the middle of a lab activity, I excused myself and ran for the bathroom. I found in that moment just how devastated I will be if this ends badly. Despite my efforts to not get attached nor anticipate, I don't know if I can stand the loss of this chance. I know it seems as if I should be able to do it again with my better health and all, but to me, it still feels like a flash in the pan.

Thoughts like these flashed through my head as my heart raced, and I rushed to the bathroom. It was dirt - shoe schmutz from when I sat on my foot. But God was that scary. Ever since that incident today, I have felt unbalanced and emotional. Gah.

On the subject of the class, I hope it gets better because I'm a little underwhelmed. I was suspicious of it a bit anyway because they teach graduates and undergraduates at the same time. To me that usually means that the lectures a more basic for the graduates, but that they get some extra assignment to make up for it. That's how it's going to work. And while lecture today had a few things I needed to polish up on, it was mostly review of what I've been doing for the past 11 years. The syllabus worries me because it looks as if that will continue. I hope it picks up a little. This class was required, or I probably would have skipped it all together for these reasons, but it frustrates me to spend my time and some of my money (work doesn't reimburse all of it), for two weeks of giant review of my profession. Don't get me wrong. I like the professors, and it is good information. I just don't know that it's intensive enough to qualify for the extra money spent as a graduate student.

Support

A good friend, Stephanie, at the Impatient Patient is currently in the throes of her very first IVF. Her first try was converted, but this one is looking good so far! I think she could use some support and bolstering.

Vignettes

Congratulations cell clump! According to my sources, if you are still growing away in there, you have now reached embryo status and no longer need to suffer the indignity of the title, "cell clump." Now you are a tadpole.

My mind is whirring constantly now. Too bad it's not working so well for the things on which I really should be focusing. That and fatigue will probably make my writing a little... unique. Thus - we have today's vignettes in written form.

I have been avoiding talking to certain friends and family members on the phone. The urge to tell them is too strong, and I feel awkward. I'm a little too open about some things. Life has taught me to practice restraint though.

Last night I was watching The Amazing Race (little sis was so slow!), and they showed how Victor and Tammy won the Galapagos trip. I was so deeply pleased for them, as they're my favorites. Then they showed the image of the Galapagos tortoise. They're adorable, and I love them. It made me tear up. WTF? Right after that, a sap card commercial at which I would usually scoff came on about a teenager sending her Mom a Mother's Day card. I teared up. See a theme?

Today, I ate my lunch in our lunch room, and then moseyed outside to sit in a lawn chair in the shade. I propped my feet up on another chair, enjoyed my solitude, and napped enveloped in Florida warmth. Ahhhh, that was sweet.

The Bomb

*****Sensitive readers may want to skip this post********
(If you do read, please read edit at bottom)

Remember the lucky streak I was on? Hub got a raise, I got a new position (that I'm really enjoying by the way), Hub got a great offer on some personal projects (though he's working his tail off), I got free tickets to a BNL concert.... Wasn't that awesome?

Remember how I said that if only I were ovulating right then, our lucky streak might be in our favor? Also remember that last cycle, my body behaved exactly as it should? (minus the ovulating on CD31 thing). That was lucky too huh?

Well, apparently I've done enough of the bad luck for now and am in for good. Let's hope we haven't used it all up yet - because my uterus is currently the cushy home of a cell clump.* I tested on Monday as both Hub and I were suspicious for various reasons, but only danced around the subject. Which of us wants to look like a fool or jinx it ya know? It was positive very quickly. I almost hyperventilated. Since then I've had two betas and a progesterone draw.

Beta number one - 14DPO: 146
Beta number two - 17DPO: 623
Progesterone: 27.2 (I think)

My most fabulous FavoriteOB gave me a fist bump and a hug. Then when I got the second beta results, he relayed a message through his assistant. "Tell her she's the bomb." Love that man.
Hub and I have worked out a system that is really working for us. We are going to be happy. We are going to only focus on each milestone, and if we pass that milestone with gold stars, then we will celebrate and be happy some more. We will only worry about each milestone as it faces us, and try not to think about what could happen later. We will focus on the blast/emby/fetus as it is at that point and not focus on it as something it's not yet. In short, we will love our little cell clump exactly as it is and for what it's achieved - not as something it may not be able to. :) After all, we're already farther than we've ever gotten before. And I really really love that man.

In short - I'm pregnant, feeling good except the boobs are exploding, along with my bloated gut and I'm 19DPO. Two more days until embryo designation. More on the whole story in other posts.

EDIT: If you know me IRL, or on any other networking sites, please still keep it quiet in those places. Most of family does not yet know. I needed the release of writing and the support of other slightly scared, befuddled IF peeps.


*That's our name for blastocyst. Blastocyst just doesn't roll off the tongue so well.