Therapy Day

OK, so finally I can say I feel good in a post and mean it! My very angry stomach and very woozy head decided to give me a break today after I watched my diet very closely. I am much improved, though still not on the feelin' good high I was on most of the past week.

Thank goodness I did feel good, because Jen came by and we did a spot of shopping and sightseeing. I'd say we were pretty successful with both. Damn I love a bargain. The eating portion of our outing was filled with some particularly memorable laughing and snorting that probably was not so becoming. I guess she likes me if she could see that red-faced mess and be ok with it. To add to the fun, I managed to wear some of that most detested of herbs - cilantro - on my forehead*. At least Jen didn't make me walk around with it stuck there all day. The laughing fit must have loosened me up, because despite my efforts to be on best behavior, Jen also managed to see a little of the potty mouthed me. Lovely. That's what my profession does to a person - turns her into a rough and tumble little sailor. Let's see... liberal, loony, messy and potty mouthed. What do ya think of me now internets**?

___________________________________________________________

*It's much better there than in the mouth. Ugh. I have decided that I will appropriate Jen's term for it - the Devil's herb.

**Thank you GWB for giving us such wonderful catch phrases and mispronunciations. Nucular War in eye-rak anyone? (This disease seems to be contagious).

Who Needs Twitter?

Oh my good Lordy. Remember my post about Mott's Applesauce? I just tried the Granny Smith flavor. I bought it on a whim, thinking it might be ok, but that the berry flavors would always be first in my heart. I was soooooooo WRONG. It is deliciousness in a small, plastic non-recyclable (see this Mott's?) cup. It almost made me swoon at first taste. It's tart, but sweet. It's complex. It's... delicious. I'm at a loss.

You might be saying, "If you love it so much why don't you marry it?" Don't tempt me.

On how I felt great, then didn't, then went all political on your asses

I was going to blog about how good I've been feeling lately, but this morning that all seemed to go down the tubes. So instead, I'd like to share a very interesting article that Hub sent to me. It was one of those rare things that almost literally causes me to squint from the glare of the lightbulb that has just gone on above my head. The psychologist who wrote it is very liberal, but his viewpoints on the differences between conservative and liberal thinking and how we can bridge the gap between the two beneficial stances is fascinating.

Please enjoy: What Makes People Vote Republican?

As a footnote, I'd like to add that Snopes has gotten a lot of my readership lately with some of the claims that have been flying around about the candidates. Please research before hitting forward. Please research the issues thoroughly (and not by watching the Ads or the candidates themselves) before you decide on your candidate. We cannot afford ignorance.

Fun Food Friday - Issue 3!

Today's fun food is .... AGAVE NECTAR! This delightful sweetener is light and supposedly low on the glycemic index. That's all the proof I need to eat it! It melts so much easier than honey, and tastes particularly fabulous in teas and drizzled over no sugar added peanut butter bread. I've even used it in plain yogurt to great effect.

If you can believe it, I actually prefer agave nectar to sugar. It melts faster than sugar, it has a lighter taste, but sweetens more heavily, and the way the syrup wraps lightly around my tongue but doesn't stick makes me sigh. Since it actually is sweeter than sugar, remember to follow instructions on how much agave to use when substituting.

Happy sweet tooth everyone!

For info on how to join Fun Food Fridays, click here.

Complaining Again

The joys of Metformin. I already hate it nearly as much as I hated Clomid. I'm still giving it a chance though. Endo confirmed that those with hypothyroid usually suffer a higher number of and more severe side effects than the rest of the population. The good news in that is that I haven't been crazy all these years... at least not about that.

Here's the deal now. I feel like my period is coming all the time - lower back ache, cramping in ovaries and uterus, mood swings and skin break out. I love it. The persistent light nausea seems to be getting a little better. I do wonder though - I've had trouble focusing and had some vision problems for about a week and a half now. Is that something I should be concerned about? Should I call my doctor? I hate to bug her with everything if it's nothing ya know?

What a lovely post. Sometimes I don't even attempt eloquence. And you know what? It's a little freeing - like watching TV in your underwear.

The Ache

I was a complete "oops" baby as they were referred to in those days. So the big brother I always thought would be cool to have? Not for me. And then after me there was turmoil and strife and no more babies. I used to plead with my Mom for a little sister. I obviously didn't understand quite how that happened. I also used to pray at night for a little sister to call my own.

Then my Mom met my Stepfather. He had an 8 month old baby girl. I didn't see her for the answer to my prayers that she was. I hefted her around as best a 7 year old could and treated her like she was a cute kid that I was helping to babysit. Then Mom and Stepfather got more serious. I got jealous. There were lots of battles of wills between all concerned. When someone called that fun, chubby kid who got into my stuff my "sister," I would always make sure they knew exactly how we had become a family. Again - I was young and stupid and didn't see that my prayer had been answered. I liked her, don't get me wrong. She was cute and sweet, but there was so much stuff going on that it got in the way of my clear thinking.

As the years wore on, and I got wiser, I started to understand just what an amazing gift I had been given. We fought like crazy, yes. You'd think with a 7 year age difference that I would be above that, but no dice. She screamed at me so I sat on her. She eavesdropped. I tattled. But through that trial by fire, we became true sisters. In my heart, there is no one else who could fill that space as she does.

And yet again, she has proven what a considerate, wonderful sister she is. I know I blabber about my family (maybe brag is the right word) a lot, but it's because they really do deserve accolades. They have been almost to a man (and yes I mean man) so understanding and helpful through this struggle. I would probably lose it completely without them. I don't know what I did to deserve such wonderful family and such a wonderful husband. I feel guilty sometimes even expecting to get what I want family wise because I've already been given so much. It's part of why I'm paranoid about Hub's safety.

There I go again, losing my train of thought. All this lead-up is just to say that Sis is pregnant again. She sent me an e-mail to tell me. You may think that sounds inconsiderate, but it's not. It's how I like to find out so I can control my reaction. Even though I'm happy for people, I never know if I'm going to be able to express it properly or not, and that makes me feel badly. She also was so sweet in the way she wrote it. Actually, when I read the first line, my heart started to pound because the way it was written I thought that I had done something and she was trying to tell me that she was done with me! haha.

I hate to think that people have to grovel to me when they tell me about their pregnancies, but in some crappy way, that's what I seem to expect. I need that understanding that they understand and appreciate my struggle. She expressed herself so eloquently and with such feeling that how could I ever doubt that she understands and cares?

It does hurt, but I think not in the way she expects. I wrote back to her and expressed my gratitude and congratulations. I told her how much I love her, and how I just wish we could share some of what it is to be pregnant, to be a mother. I also wrote about how much I wish we could have children near the same age who could be cousins. I want them to run and play together just like I did with my cousins. I wrote that and I began to sob. I could feel it burning in my chest long before that, but as I got to that last bit, that's what did it. Just as Unsung Lullabies said, it's the death of my reproductive story. The one I had written for myself is already long gone even if we do have children. My Grandfather won't know them. My beloved Aunt won't know them. More family members who should have been able to meet my children age as I sit childless. I don't even get to experience pregnancy with my Sister.

Luckily though, I've been grieving about this for well over 2 years. The sobbing is intense and brief. Then I get about life's business. I'm getting good at it. I'm also very lucky in that once I can focus on the new human in our midst, love overtakes jealousy and grief. Someday, maybe I can let go of this dream of pregnancy and of the fear of adoption, and we will have our child. But I really don't think the ache will ever truly disappear.

There's an ELECTION going on?

A brief departure from the world of "me" for some political stuff. (Well ok, only a little departure since it's still about what I think.)

I usually try to stay fairly quiet and balanced about my own leanings, but it's getting closer, and I'm not going to be able to gag myself as much. Besides, if you haven't figured out that I lean quite liberal yet, then I imagine you don't mind.

Io at Who Shot My Stork has had some very interesting political observations lately. I like it when other bloggers are eloquent. It takes any pressure off me to be the same about world events. ;}

I also recently saw this genius Daily Show clip.

Oh, and I always admired John McCain. I no longer admire his politics though and am somewhat glad he made it easier for me to make my voting decision. This video may be a bit mean spirited in places, but near the end, it illustrates quite eloquently what I liked about the man before this election, and what I don't like about him now.