The joys of Metformin. I already hate it nearly as much as I hated Clomid. I'm still giving it a chance though. Endo confirmed that those with hypothyroid usually suffer a higher number of and more severe side effects than the rest of the population. The good news in that is that I haven't been crazy all these years... at least not about that.
Here's the deal now. I feel like my period is coming all the time - lower back ache, cramping in ovaries and uterus, mood swings and skin break out. I love it. The persistent light nausea seems to be getting a little better. I do wonder though - I've had trouble focusing and had some vision problems for about a week and a half now. Is that something I should be concerned about? Should I call my doctor? I hate to bug her with everything if it's nothing ya know?
What a lovely post. Sometimes I don't even attempt eloquence. And you know what? It's a little freeing - like watching TV in your underwear.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
The Ache
I was a complete "oops" baby as they were referred to in those days. So the big brother I always thought would be cool to have? Not for me. And then after me there was turmoil and strife and no more babies. I used to plead with my Mom for a little sister. I obviously didn't understand quite how that happened. I also used to pray at night for a little sister to call my own.
Then my Mom met my Stepfather. He had an 8 month old baby girl. I didn't see her for the answer to my prayers that she was. I hefted her around as best a 7 year old could and treated her like she was a cute kid that I was helping to babysit. Then Mom and Stepfather got more serious. I got jealous. There were lots of battles of wills between all concerned. When someone called that fun, chubby kid who got into my stuff my "sister," I would always make sure they knew exactly how we had become a family. Again - I was young and stupid and didn't see that my prayer had been answered. I liked her, don't get me wrong. She was cute and sweet, but there was so much stuff going on that it got in the way of my clear thinking.
As the years wore on, and I got wiser, I started to understand just what an amazing gift I had been given. We fought like crazy, yes. You'd think with a 7 year age difference that I would be above that, but no dice. She screamed at me so I sat on her. She eavesdropped. I tattled. But through that trial by fire, we became true sisters. In my heart, there is no one else who could fill that space as she does.
And yet again, she has proven what a considerate, wonderful sister she is. I know I blabber about my family (maybe brag is the right word) a lot, but it's because they really do deserve accolades. They have been almost to a man (and yes I mean man) so understanding and helpful through this struggle. I would probably lose it completely without them. I don't know what I did to deserve such wonderful family and such a wonderful husband. I feel guilty sometimes even expecting to get what I want family wise because I've already been given so much. It's part of why I'm paranoid about Hub's safety.
There I go again, losing my train of thought. All this lead-up is just to say that Sis is pregnant again. She sent me an e-mail to tell me. You may think that sounds inconsiderate, but it's not. It's how I like to find out so I can control my reaction. Even though I'm happy for people, I never know if I'm going to be able to express it properly or not, and that makes me feel badly. She also was so sweet in the way she wrote it. Actually, when I read the first line, my heart started to pound because the way it was written I thought that I had done something and she was trying to tell me that she was done with me! haha.
I hate to think that people have to grovel to me when they tell me about their pregnancies, but in some crappy way, that's what I seem to expect. I need that understanding that they understand and appreciate my struggle. She expressed herself so eloquently and with such feeling that how could I ever doubt that she understands and cares?
It does hurt, but I think not in the way she expects. I wrote back to her and expressed my gratitude and congratulations. I told her how much I love her, and how I just wish we could share some of what it is to be pregnant, to be a mother. I also wrote about how much I wish we could have children near the same age who could be cousins. I want them to run and play together just like I did with my cousins. I wrote that and I began to sob. I could feel it burning in my chest long before that, but as I got to that last bit, that's what did it. Just as Unsung Lullabies said, it's the death of my reproductive story. The one I had written for myself is already long gone even if we do have children. My Grandfather won't know them. My beloved Aunt won't know them. More family members who should have been able to meet my children age as I sit childless. I don't even get to experience pregnancy with my Sister.
Luckily though, I've been grieving about this for well over 2 years. The sobbing is intense and brief. Then I get about life's business. I'm getting good at it. I'm also very lucky in that once I can focus on the new human in our midst, love overtakes jealousy and grief. Someday, maybe I can let go of this dream of pregnancy and of the fear of adoption, and we will have our child. But I really don't think the ache will ever truly disappear.
Then my Mom met my Stepfather. He had an 8 month old baby girl. I didn't see her for the answer to my prayers that she was. I hefted her around as best a 7 year old could and treated her like she was a cute kid that I was helping to babysit. Then Mom and Stepfather got more serious. I got jealous. There were lots of battles of wills between all concerned. When someone called that fun, chubby kid who got into my stuff my "sister," I would always make sure they knew exactly how we had become a family. Again - I was young and stupid and didn't see that my prayer had been answered. I liked her, don't get me wrong. She was cute and sweet, but there was so much stuff going on that it got in the way of my clear thinking.
As the years wore on, and I got wiser, I started to understand just what an amazing gift I had been given. We fought like crazy, yes. You'd think with a 7 year age difference that I would be above that, but no dice. She screamed at me so I sat on her. She eavesdropped. I tattled. But through that trial by fire, we became true sisters. In my heart, there is no one else who could fill that space as she does.
And yet again, she has proven what a considerate, wonderful sister she is. I know I blabber about my family (maybe brag is the right word) a lot, but it's because they really do deserve accolades. They have been almost to a man (and yes I mean man) so understanding and helpful through this struggle. I would probably lose it completely without them. I don't know what I did to deserve such wonderful family and such a wonderful husband. I feel guilty sometimes even expecting to get what I want family wise because I've already been given so much. It's part of why I'm paranoid about Hub's safety.
There I go again, losing my train of thought. All this lead-up is just to say that Sis is pregnant again. She sent me an e-mail to tell me. You may think that sounds inconsiderate, but it's not. It's how I like to find out so I can control my reaction. Even though I'm happy for people, I never know if I'm going to be able to express it properly or not, and that makes me feel badly. She also was so sweet in the way she wrote it. Actually, when I read the first line, my heart started to pound because the way it was written I thought that I had done something and she was trying to tell me that she was done with me! haha.
I hate to think that people have to grovel to me when they tell me about their pregnancies, but in some crappy way, that's what I seem to expect. I need that understanding that they understand and appreciate my struggle. She expressed herself so eloquently and with such feeling that how could I ever doubt that she understands and cares?
It does hurt, but I think not in the way she expects. I wrote back to her and expressed my gratitude and congratulations. I told her how much I love her, and how I just wish we could share some of what it is to be pregnant, to be a mother. I also wrote about how much I wish we could have children near the same age who could be cousins. I want them to run and play together just like I did with my cousins. I wrote that and I began to sob. I could feel it burning in my chest long before that, but as I got to that last bit, that's what did it. Just as Unsung Lullabies said, it's the death of my reproductive story. The one I had written for myself is already long gone even if we do have children. My Grandfather won't know them. My beloved Aunt won't know them. More family members who should have been able to meet my children age as I sit childless. I don't even get to experience pregnancy with my Sister.
Luckily though, I've been grieving about this for well over 2 years. The sobbing is intense and brief. Then I get about life's business. I'm getting good at it. I'm also very lucky in that once I can focus on the new human in our midst, love overtakes jealousy and grief. Someday, maybe I can let go of this dream of pregnancy and of the fear of adoption, and we will have our child. But I really don't think the ache will ever truly disappear.
Monday, September 8, 2008
There's an ELECTION going on?
A brief departure from the world of "me" for some political stuff. (Well ok, only a little departure since it's still about what I think.)
I usually try to stay fairly quiet and balanced about my own leanings, but it's getting closer, and I'm not going to be able to gag myself as much. Besides, if you haven't figured out that I lean quite liberal yet, then I imagine you don't mind.
Io at Who Shot My Stork has had some very interesting political observations lately. I like it when other bloggers are eloquent. It takes any pressure off me to be the same about world events. ;}
I also recently saw this genius Daily Show clip.
Oh, and I always admired John McCain. I no longer admire his politics though and am somewhat glad he made it easier for me to make my voting decision. This video may be a bit mean spirited in places, but near the end, it illustrates quite eloquently what I liked about the man before this election, and what I don't like about him now.
I usually try to stay fairly quiet and balanced about my own leanings, but it's getting closer, and I'm not going to be able to gag myself as much. Besides, if you haven't figured out that I lean quite liberal yet, then I imagine you don't mind.
Io at Who Shot My Stork has had some very interesting political observations lately. I like it when other bloggers are eloquent. It takes any pressure off me to be the same about world events. ;}
I also recently saw this genius Daily Show clip.
Oh, and I always admired John McCain. I no longer admire his politics though and am somewhat glad he made it easier for me to make my voting decision. This video may be a bit mean spirited in places, but near the end, it illustrates quite eloquently what I liked about the man before this election, and what I don't like about him now.
Ah Whatever
Ya know... the stuff I've been reading about Metformin is really starting to get to me. I read studies that say it does help. I read studies that say it doesn't help. I read studies that say it helps for a little while and then stops. Then I read accounts and admonishments that you have to follow a very strict routine, otherwise it's not effective. And on top of all that, I read that it's never as effective as improvements in diet and exercise.
You know what sucks though? There is very little on how it affects thin women with PCOS. I'm very tired of hearing how if I would just improve my diet and exercise more, then I wouldn't need any meds. Bullshit*. Let me tell you how my life goes. I go to work where I walk somewhere around 5 to 7 miles in a day depending on my duties for the day. I lift heavy things and sometimes suffer repetitive stress injuries from lots of physical activity. On top of that, the Hub and I try to be active on our weekends, and I eat healthier than almost everyone in my immediate circle. I eat healthy enough in fact that it's often difficult for me to go to someone else's house and have enough to eat or to not offend them with my restrictions. Has that helped my cycles? Not enough.
So I'm not reading anymore. I invite and welcome tips from readers, but I'm done with research. I'm not capable of the completely strict routine due to the nature of my job, my life and just MY nature. So if that makes me fail, then so be it. I have to be a happy human being sometimes. The one thing I read that really did help me is that it can take 4 to 6 months for cycles to normalize on Met. Since I'm on cycle day 24 with no ovulation and no fertile signs at all, I imagine it could take me that long. God knows I'm worried that it will go like it did last time and I will never ovulate while on this drug. Last time I didn't even O with gonadotropins while on this drug. (very very unusual for me. I tend to be the classic thin pcos super over responder to ovulation induction)
But I will try to be patient. I'll give this a chance. If it doesn't work, then it's on to Chinese medicine and a "what will be will be" mentality. I may do another IUI at some point, but at this time, I can't shake the feeling that nothing's going to work while I'm so out of balance hormonally. I don't have unlimited resources to just keep trying until it does.**
But until then, let's see what Met has done for me hmm?
The Good: Clearer skin, fewer hunger "crashes" and less jittery hunger feelings, not as many emotional highs and lows
The Bad: Crap interest in usually fun bedroom activities, random stomach upset, complete disgust at the thought of eating protein (never been a protein gal, but now it's worse), major sugar cravings, many flatline temps on my bbt (never a good thing historically), fatigue.
I'll keep documenting this, and we'll hope that the balance shifts.
*I have a sneaking suspicion that MANY women feel this way regardless of their weight status. Weight seems to be a cop out. Now that I'm thinner, I've even gotten comments that maybe a little weight gain could only help. Excuse me while I cough "bullshit" into my hand once again.
**Even though I had a dream the other night that I got a job that came with a pleasant surprise - full fertility benefits! Aaah the fantasy life.
You know what sucks though? There is very little on how it affects thin women with PCOS. I'm very tired of hearing how if I would just improve my diet and exercise more, then I wouldn't need any meds. Bullshit*. Let me tell you how my life goes. I go to work where I walk somewhere around 5 to 7 miles in a day depending on my duties for the day. I lift heavy things and sometimes suffer repetitive stress injuries from lots of physical activity. On top of that, the Hub and I try to be active on our weekends, and I eat healthier than almost everyone in my immediate circle. I eat healthy enough in fact that it's often difficult for me to go to someone else's house and have enough to eat or to not offend them with my restrictions. Has that helped my cycles? Not enough.
So I'm not reading anymore. I invite and welcome tips from readers, but I'm done with research. I'm not capable of the completely strict routine due to the nature of my job, my life and just MY nature. So if that makes me fail, then so be it. I have to be a happy human being sometimes. The one thing I read that really did help me is that it can take 4 to 6 months for cycles to normalize on Met. Since I'm on cycle day 24 with no ovulation and no fertile signs at all, I imagine it could take me that long. God knows I'm worried that it will go like it did last time and I will never ovulate while on this drug. Last time I didn't even O with gonadotropins while on this drug. (very very unusual for me. I tend to be the classic thin pcos super over responder to ovulation induction)
But I will try to be patient. I'll give this a chance. If it doesn't work, then it's on to Chinese medicine and a "what will be will be" mentality. I may do another IUI at some point, but at this time, I can't shake the feeling that nothing's going to work while I'm so out of balance hormonally. I don't have unlimited resources to just keep trying until it does.**
But until then, let's see what Met has done for me hmm?
The Good: Clearer skin, fewer hunger "crashes" and less jittery hunger feelings, not as many emotional highs and lows
The Bad: Crap interest in usually fun bedroom activities, random stomach upset, complete disgust at the thought of eating protein (never been a protein gal, but now it's worse), major sugar cravings, many flatline temps on my bbt (never a good thing historically), fatigue.
I'll keep documenting this, and we'll hope that the balance shifts.
__________________________________________________________________
*I have a sneaking suspicion that MANY women feel this way regardless of their weight status. Weight seems to be a cop out. Now that I'm thinner, I've even gotten comments that maybe a little weight gain could only help. Excuse me while I cough "bullshit" into my hand once again.
**Even though I had a dream the other night that I got a job that came with a pleasant surprise - full fertility benefits! Aaah the fantasy life.
Friday, September 5, 2008
(Slightly Less) Fun Food Friday!
Funny. After moping about the conditions on food in my life, I now get to write a "Fun Food Friday" post. I can't lie and say I'm feelin' it. I'm not. Even though it's the Met and my body that are causing all the problems here, it sure feels like the food's fault.
But I think I can work up enough excitement for one entry.
One snack that has not let me down this whole time is Mott's no sugar added applesauce. I don't know what I'd do without it. Sometimes I get the jar of plain applesauce and add cinnamon for some extra yum. Right now I'm obsessed with getting the different flavors of their mixed sauce in little work friendly cups. My favorites are the strawberry, peach and country berry. It's always been a comfort food and now I'm counting my lucky stars that some genius finally realized that fruit is sweet enough without sugar, and that there is no need to add aspartame!!
I guess I can't shake the grumps. Oh well. If you're cut off from sugar like I am, try this. It's delicious. It's sweet. It's refreshing. It makes Barb slightly less grumpy.
If you want to join in, see this post for details.
But I think I can work up enough excitement for one entry.
One snack that has not let me down this whole time is Mott's no sugar added applesauce. I don't know what I'd do without it. Sometimes I get the jar of plain applesauce and add cinnamon for some extra yum. Right now I'm obsessed with getting the different flavors of their mixed sauce in little work friendly cups. My favorites are the strawberry, peach and country berry. It's always been a comfort food and now I'm counting my lucky stars that some genius finally realized that fruit is sweet enough without sugar, and that there is no need to add aspartame!!
I guess I can't shake the grumps. Oh well. If you're cut off from sugar like I am, try this. It's delicious. It's sweet. It's refreshing. It makes Barb slightly less grumpy.
If you want to join in, see this post for details.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Ugh*
Hub said to me today, "I think the Met changed your voice. It sounds different. It's a lot more whiny than usual." Smartass.
The problem is, he's right. (Please don't tell him I said that.) I have been in turns nauseous, fatigued, hungry, apathetic about food, hopeful, despairing, carb fearing and carb craving. I started out all cocky and confident. That confidence led me to eat a huge bowl of whole wheat spaghetti early on. That was not a good decision. I spent days wondering if my stomach would ever quiet again. On top of that, I had a lot of foggy headed drowsiness.
So my next step was to FEAR carbs. They were the enemy - the sweet, delicious enemy - but the enemy just the same. I bought lots of high protein snacks, foods and drinks. I ate them with relish. I ate them until I felt that if I saw one more almond or piece of baked fish I might yack. I yearned for rice, potatoes, corn chips for Pete's sake! But my stomach was fairly still, so I resisted.
Then I became even more listless and crabby. I felt nauseous often and just not quite right. I wanted carbs with a vengeance that bordered on obsession. We had a meal with rice a few nights ago. I devoured that rice. I would like to say I chewed it with heavenly abandon, but it was more like greedy glee. I didn't overindulge, but man did that rice make a difference. The craving didn't stop there, so I started allowing more carbs back in bit by bit. I started feeling better and my intestines didn't revolt! Now I have to be careful not to binge because man do I want to.
It's so difficult to balance this. It's so individual and such a royal P.I.T.A. I've learned that I, like many others, cannot tolerate too much lettuce while on Met. Sigh. But I can handle some dairy and some white grains. Kashi whole grains seem to be the best though. I can also cheat like crazy if I do it very very carefully when the sun sets on the third Sunday in June. I can't take my first dose at breakfast. My digestive system takes offense to something that jolting so early in the morning. But I CAN take it about 40 minutes after lunch. My evening dose is best done with milk, right before bed.
Beside the whole eating mess, there's another side to the Met that has me frustrated and cranky. Since I've started it, I have very little interest in the finer (or should I say baser?) aspects of married life. And the few times I do, my pesky stomach often protests if it's jostled or touched to much. Can anyone tell me how conducive that is to creating a child???
So yes, I'm whiny. And cranky. And hungry and pissy and worried this will just be like every other treatment. I'll go through lots of shit and self sacrifice for absolutely nothing.
*Yes that's all I can muster for a title. Wanna make somethin' of it?
The problem is, he's right. (Please don't tell him I said that.) I have been in turns nauseous, fatigued, hungry, apathetic about food, hopeful, despairing, carb fearing and carb craving. I started out all cocky and confident. That confidence led me to eat a huge bowl of whole wheat spaghetti early on. That was not a good decision. I spent days wondering if my stomach would ever quiet again. On top of that, I had a lot of foggy headed drowsiness.
So my next step was to FEAR carbs. They were the enemy - the sweet, delicious enemy - but the enemy just the same. I bought lots of high protein snacks, foods and drinks. I ate them with relish. I ate them until I felt that if I saw one more almond or piece of baked fish I might yack. I yearned for rice, potatoes, corn chips for Pete's sake! But my stomach was fairly still, so I resisted.
Then I became even more listless and crabby. I felt nauseous often and just not quite right. I wanted carbs with a vengeance that bordered on obsession. We had a meal with rice a few nights ago. I devoured that rice. I would like to say I chewed it with heavenly abandon, but it was more like greedy glee. I didn't overindulge, but man did that rice make a difference. The craving didn't stop there, so I started allowing more carbs back in bit by bit. I started feeling better and my intestines didn't revolt! Now I have to be careful not to binge because man do I want to.
It's so difficult to balance this. It's so individual and such a royal P.I.T.A. I've learned that I, like many others, cannot tolerate too much lettuce while on Met. Sigh. But I can handle some dairy and some white grains. Kashi whole grains seem to be the best though. I can also cheat like crazy if I do it very very carefully when the sun sets on the third Sunday in June. I can't take my first dose at breakfast. My digestive system takes offense to something that jolting so early in the morning. But I CAN take it about 40 minutes after lunch. My evening dose is best done with milk, right before bed.
Beside the whole eating mess, there's another side to the Met that has me frustrated and cranky. Since I've started it, I have very little interest in the finer (or should I say baser?) aspects of married life. And the few times I do, my pesky stomach often protests if it's jostled or touched to much. Can anyone tell me how conducive that is to creating a child???
So yes, I'm whiny. And cranky. And hungry and pissy and worried this will just be like every other treatment. I'll go through lots of shit and self sacrifice for absolutely nothing.
*Yes that's all I can muster for a title. Wanna make somethin' of it?
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Insight
I've learned a lot this lovely Labor Day weekend. Shall I share?
- While Jacksonville has its perks, it is not a city I will be driving hours to visit again any time soon.
- I miss the beach. I want to go to the beach for a whole day with nothing else to do. (ahem DH)
- I miss bird watching. Hopefully we can start that again soon.
- Older gentlemen can have a lot of fun windsurfing on the beach.
- I love Sing Star Amped and Pop!
- If you are beyond movement and very pathetically and prettily beg Hub to carry you to your bed and perhaps brush your teeth for you, he will oblige at least one of those requests in a very sweet way. He might even take a detour for you to check the locks, turn off the lights and pick up a few things. (XO Hub)
- I think it was Seussgirl on One Day Two Day who mentioned the Pomegranate Dark Chocolate Haagen-Dazs Bar ages ago. Thanks to her, I have been scouring every grocery retailer I see since. I found them at Target this weekend and HAD to have them in spite of my "condition." All I can say about that tart, sweet, creamy, chocolate deliciousness is DAYUM! Thanks Seussgirl. I learned that it's worth it.
- If I time my indiscretions just right, and eat just the right amount of the right thing, I can get away with about one a day without too much grief. (I'm all about cheating)
- The reason that people lose weight on Metformin is because it makes them feel sick so often. I'm convinced that the "losing interest in food" side effect is because: A. You get so tired of eating the same damn healthy things, so food loses all appeal and B. The thought of any food often makes you feel sick, and it's then just not worth it to eat.
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