Hub and I have been together for 10 years, but our 5 year wedding anniversary is coming up very soon! I fear that many posts in the coming days will have to do with that. I will strive to not gag you with the professions of my undying love. If you're nice to him, perhaps Hub will help with that by pulling a few stunts to distract me from those professions.
Anyway, to celebrate I'm posting a song that always makes me think of Hub and our situation. It's "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol.
We'll do it all
Everything
On our own
We don't need
Anything
Or anyone
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words
I said too much
They're not enough
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads
I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life
All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see
I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?
We have done pretty much everything on our own, and it's been hard, and I can't even begin to tell him how much I love him. Words fail. The words and slow rhythm also somehow invoke a peace about this whole infertility thing. Sometimes I really do just want to lie with him and just forget the world. It's been particularly hard lately. I'm back to the sight of babies causing tears at the back of my eyes. Anyway, this song resonates with me.
Coming soon: Hub's song for me, and later, the songs we had at our wedding. It's an anniversary celebration!
Monday, August 11, 2008
Realization...
Hey - I just realized... I edit my posts a lot because I'm a perfectionist. Does that trick all you people who have the blog "readers" into checking my page for updates? If so, oops! Sorry 'bout that.
By the way... feeling wordy today. I may be posting a lot the next few...
By the way... feeling wordy today. I may be posting a lot the next few...
Show and Tell
Finally! I'm ready to unveil my second super secret knitting project! The intended recipient finally received it. I had it slated to be finished before her baby was born, but alas, it took months longer to finish than I anticipated. Anyway, here it is... my first blanket.
The little girl reportedly loves it. I'm so glad. I had a blanket much like this when I was little. I called it my "blankie," and it followed me everywhere. Mom had to sneak it from under my arms to wash it and repair its edging. I remember pushing my finger into the little fold of satin and rubbing back and forth as I drifted off to sleep. The contrast between the soft knit and silky satin was a pleasure.
Now for the show & tell aspect... Knitting this thing took me a lot longer than I had anticipated. Sewing the border around the edges by hand was excruciating after taking that long to finish the knit portion. But sew it I did! There were a lot of mistakes since I am not a seamstress, but I kept sending little prayers of thanks to Heaven for my Grandma who taught me to sew in the first place.
All in all, this project really made me think a lot about my Grandma and all the wonderful times we spent together sewing, crocheting, reading and drinking tea. Then I remembered the quilt my Grandma had made for me before she died. She hand sewed every section of that quilt, not knowing with each day if she would live to complete it. She did. Each quilt took her months of cutting, sewing and piecing. She would draw her own designs on cardboard to use as decorations for inside the squares, and she spent hours in fabric stores looking for the best matches for her projects. She had extreme arthritis and would poke her fingers with needles often, but she kept doing it because it was her way to feel useful and to show her love. Remembering all that made me feel like a wimp for taking so long with this comparatively small project.
Here's the quilt Grandma finished and hid away for me about 24 years ago.
(Thanks to the Hub for posing with it. ;-)
I remember her asking me what my favorite colors were. I told her they were blue and green. They still are. I feel a rush of warmth and love every time I touch the soft, age worn fabric of this beautiful blanket. I imagine that she intended it to remind me of her love. It does.
I can't believe how perfect and tiny each stitch is. She was truly an artist.
I'm so proud of my Pennsylvania Dutch roots, and even more proud of the Grandma who helps me remember them. I always think of my infertility as the wake-up call in my life. It's the reminder that I can't always be so lucky and can't have everything go my way. Because honestly, I have been so incredibly blessed in my family, my marriage and just life in general that I almost wasn't surprised that I should have a big hurdle like this to humble me.
My first, and one of her last...
Someday, I intend to do the same for my grandchildren.
The little girl reportedly loves it. I'm so glad. I had a blanket much like this when I was little. I called it my "blankie," and it followed me everywhere. Mom had to sneak it from under my arms to wash it and repair its edging. I remember pushing my finger into the little fold of satin and rubbing back and forth as I drifted off to sleep. The contrast between the soft knit and silky satin was a pleasure.
Now for the show & tell aspect... Knitting this thing took me a lot longer than I had anticipated. Sewing the border around the edges by hand was excruciating after taking that long to finish the knit portion. But sew it I did! There were a lot of mistakes since I am not a seamstress, but I kept sending little prayers of thanks to Heaven for my Grandma who taught me to sew in the first place.
All in all, this project really made me think a lot about my Grandma and all the wonderful times we spent together sewing, crocheting, reading and drinking tea. Then I remembered the quilt my Grandma had made for me before she died. She hand sewed every section of that quilt, not knowing with each day if she would live to complete it. She did. Each quilt took her months of cutting, sewing and piecing. She would draw her own designs on cardboard to use as decorations for inside the squares, and she spent hours in fabric stores looking for the best matches for her projects. She had extreme arthritis and would poke her fingers with needles often, but she kept doing it because it was her way to feel useful and to show her love. Remembering all that made me feel like a wimp for taking so long with this comparatively small project.
Here's the quilt Grandma finished and hid away for me about 24 years ago.
(Thanks to the Hub for posing with it. ;-)I remember her asking me what my favorite colors were. I told her they were blue and green. They still are. I feel a rush of warmth and love every time I touch the soft, age worn fabric of this beautiful blanket. I imagine that she intended it to remind me of her love. It does.
I can't believe how perfect and tiny each stitch is. She was truly an artist.
I'm so proud of my Pennsylvania Dutch roots, and even more proud of the Grandma who helps me remember them. I always think of my infertility as the wake-up call in my life. It's the reminder that I can't always be so lucky and can't have everything go my way. Because honestly, I have been so incredibly blessed in my family, my marriage and just life in general that I almost wasn't surprised that I should have a big hurdle like this to humble me.
My first, and one of her last...
Someday, I intend to do the same for my grandchildren.Thursday, August 7, 2008
What's an obsessive girl to do?
So here I am - sleepy, hot, bleh. I'm actually ok, and am trying to decide how to finish my night. Hubs is away, and lucky girl that I am, I have lots of distractions on hand. I've already caught up on some of my internet wanderings. Speaking of that; I answered some of your questions about the "Housekeeping" post, and will continue to update as you advised me when I feel more into it. My other "distractions" are calling more to me at the moment. When you work long hours and have to drag your still sleeping ass out of bed at 5am, there are definite priorities placed on "play" time.
So here's the deal. I am 3/4 done with Breaking Dawn. I know some hate the direction the story took, but I love it. I think it's the most tightly written of the series. Saying that, it is a definite departure from the others. It's been quite difficult to stay away from it long enough to even do the little surfing that I've done. Maybe I should start on that now so that I can get some good reading time in before bed. I started reading the book the other night after it had arrived in the mail that day. I was so excited about it that I didn't want to put it down to go to sleep. Hubs reminded me that I had an early start and that I should turn in. I reluctantly plopped the book down beside the bed and snuggled under the covers.
I made a valiant effort at sleeping. Truly I did. But every time I closed my eyes, Bella, Edward and Jacob danced behind my lids. So - like a thief, I crept out of bed. I knew that if I turned the light on to read, Hubs would see the light under the door and come to talk sense into me. So instead I convinced myself that I just needed to read for 10 more minutes and dragged the book into our master bath. It was just like when I used to read under the covers with a flashlight when I was little. (Unfortunately our flashlight is broken, or I would have taken that route.) I pressed my back against the vanity and sat on the tiny throw rug for whatever comfort it could offer my little bum on cold tile.
Almost two hours later, I heard Hubs open the bedroom door. I huddled into the corner and waited for the inevitable. He opened the door and looked at me with wide, incredulous eyes. "You little goof!" he said. "What are you doing in here?" Even though he was flabbergasted, he couldn't help but chuckle a little. I know I looked guilty as hell. I threw my arms around his neck and confessed my addiction. I hadn't even realized the time. Thus, I got less than 4 hours sleep that night. Yes, that's right, FOUR. I'm a dumbass, but I like to tell the story anyway. I get a kick out of us.
Oh! So where was I?? Oh yes - my other "distractions." Well, I also am suddenly really into "Don't Forget the Lyrics." I thought it would be dumb before I saw it, but they did such a good job of inviting really likable, fun people to the show that I can't help but sing along with them! The one time DH saw it with me, we both sang and enjoyed ourselves immensely. I also think Wayne Brady does a great job of being approachable and fun.
To go along with that show, I recently started a really cool knitting project that my hands are itching to get back to. I could do both of those ideas at the same time! Maybe I'll do that, and then read just a little bit before bed. Think I can do it? Less than 2 hours before bedtime!!!
So here's the deal. I am 3/4 done with Breaking Dawn. I know some hate the direction the story took, but I love it. I think it's the most tightly written of the series. Saying that, it is a definite departure from the others. It's been quite difficult to stay away from it long enough to even do the little surfing that I've done. Maybe I should start on that now so that I can get some good reading time in before bed. I started reading the book the other night after it had arrived in the mail that day. I was so excited about it that I didn't want to put it down to go to sleep. Hubs reminded me that I had an early start and that I should turn in. I reluctantly plopped the book down beside the bed and snuggled under the covers.
I made a valiant effort at sleeping. Truly I did. But every time I closed my eyes, Bella, Edward and Jacob danced behind my lids. So - like a thief, I crept out of bed. I knew that if I turned the light on to read, Hubs would see the light under the door and come to talk sense into me. So instead I convinced myself that I just needed to read for 10 more minutes and dragged the book into our master bath. It was just like when I used to read under the covers with a flashlight when I was little. (Unfortunately our flashlight is broken, or I would have taken that route.) I pressed my back against the vanity and sat on the tiny throw rug for whatever comfort it could offer my little bum on cold tile.
Almost two hours later, I heard Hubs open the bedroom door. I huddled into the corner and waited for the inevitable. He opened the door and looked at me with wide, incredulous eyes. "You little goof!" he said. "What are you doing in here?" Even though he was flabbergasted, he couldn't help but chuckle a little. I know I looked guilty as hell. I threw my arms around his neck and confessed my addiction. I hadn't even realized the time. Thus, I got less than 4 hours sleep that night. Yes, that's right, FOUR. I'm a dumbass, but I like to tell the story anyway. I get a kick out of us.
Oh! So where was I?? Oh yes - my other "distractions." Well, I also am suddenly really into "Don't Forget the Lyrics." I thought it would be dumb before I saw it, but they did such a good job of inviting really likable, fun people to the show that I can't help but sing along with them! The one time DH saw it with me, we both sang and enjoyed ourselves immensely. I also think Wayne Brady does a great job of being approachable and fun.
To go along with that show, I recently started a really cool knitting project that my hands are itching to get back to. I could do both of those ideas at the same time! Maybe I'll do that, and then read just a little bit before bed. Think I can do it? Less than 2 hours before bedtime!!!
Must Be Brief
- Weather - Hades
- Work - Don't even ask
- Cycle - CD 58 & Nothing (Provera starting tonight)
- Hub - my lifeline at the moment
Otherwise - must.... finish.... Breaking Dawn..... sooooooooo addicted.... help!
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Housekeeping
I finally got around to rearranging my blog links and updating my profile! I was feeling ambitious today. Chalk it up to surviving my bloodletting session.
Anyway, you'll notice that I have 2 different categories for my blog links now. If you are unhappy with where you are, please let me know. Know that even though you may still be trying and have children, I wanted people to know the difference between those blogs with people who have had no successful pregnancies and those who have, or seem to be having one. That's where it gets murky. I didn't switch some those of you who seem to still be questioning your status to the "successful" category until I found out what you prefer. If you are currently expecting, and feel comfortable enough to move to that category, please let me know, and I'll take care of it asap. Also, if you used to be in my link list, and are now missing, shoot me a note. I seem to lose things when I try to move them around. Cool?
OK. General announcements over. Now that I have a minute or two, I'm going to go catch up on my reading. Tootles!
Anyway, you'll notice that I have 2 different categories for my blog links now. If you are unhappy with where you are, please let me know. Know that even though you may still be trying and have children, I wanted people to know the difference between those blogs with people who have had no successful pregnancies and those who have, or seem to be having one. That's where it gets murky. I didn't switch some those of you who seem to still be questioning your status to the "successful" category until I found out what you prefer. If you are currently expecting, and feel comfortable enough to move to that category, please let me know, and I'll take care of it asap. Also, if you used to be in my link list, and are now missing, shoot me a note. I seem to lose things when I try to move them around. Cool?
OK. General announcements over. Now that I have a minute or two, I'm going to go catch up on my reading. Tootles!
Monday, August 4, 2008
Saint Ange
I've been having a lot of anxiety dreams lately (largely due to work), and the fertility related ones have crept back up on me since it's been on my mind. The night before last, my dream self was bemoaning my lack of baby when I suddenly looked down and realized that I was 4 months pregnant! I had forgotten! Silly ole me. I remember marveling that I was already so large at 4 mos along, and how I could forget that I was pregnant so easily.
Last night's dream was the good one. We became good friends with A.ngelina Jo.lie and Br.ad Pit.t. We helped watch their babies, and they felt badly for us that we didn't have any of our own. BUT - being the kind souls that they are, they offered to gives us a baby if we didn't have one by the end of the year. Wasn't that sweet of them? Ah the world of Barb's dreams...
As I mentioned, work has been quite stressful. To add to the problems, I've been pooped, and my emotional stability is highly questionable. I would like this cycle to resolve itself before I have to resort to Provera. I'm now on cycle day 50-something. I keep fooling myself that maybe I will get sorted out, so I keep waiting. However, the longer I wait, the more vindictive AF is going to be. Maybe after the blood letting tomorrow....
Last night's dream was the good one. We became good friends with A.ngelina Jo.lie and Br.ad Pit.t. We helped watch their babies, and they felt badly for us that we didn't have any of our own. BUT - being the kind souls that they are, they offered to gives us a baby if we didn't have one by the end of the year. Wasn't that sweet of them? Ah the world of Barb's dreams...
As I mentioned, work has been quite stressful. To add to the problems, I've been pooped, and my emotional stability is highly questionable. I would like this cycle to resolve itself before I have to resort to Provera. I'm now on cycle day 50-something. I keep fooling myself that maybe I will get sorted out, so I keep waiting. However, the longer I wait, the more vindictive AF is going to be. Maybe after the blood letting tomorrow....
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