The Way in Which I am NOT Alternative

I've been more nervous lately about the whole non-vaccination movement. The reason I've become more bothered is because I now know someone who has currently chosen the non-vaccination route with a 6 month old baby and may continue to travel that path. This someone wants our babies to be playmates. I used to think that could be fun, but now I'm not completely comfortable with E being around this child. Even though E is vaccinated, the schedule is not yet complete, so he is vulnerable to some diseases. Furthermore, as you probably know, vaccinations do not provide 100% immunity 100% of the time, but the system works brilliantly when everyone is vaccinated. I would just rather not chance E being exposed to any of the awful diseases one can contract even if his schedule was complete. I might reconsider somewhat if we were really close, but we have really different personalities and interests, and this is not the only matter in which we differ. I think even if I did decide to maintain play dates with her, this would bother me to the point that it would show in our interactions. How the Hell do I tell her all this though? Or do I just bite the bullet and avoid most of the time so that we are only around them once in a while?

The nice thing to know is that according to the CDC, approximately 99% of U.S. parents currently choose to vaccinate their children - delayed schedule or not. Please, please do your research if you are trying to make the decision about vaccinations. And if you don't trust Doctors and scientists, learn how scientific studies work and how to read them. I sometimes take having a science background for granted. It makes for a lot of piece of mind to be able to do my research and make decisions based on solid evidence. Or just ask grandparents who may have witnessed the devastation some of these diseases caused. It's a lot easier to make the decision not to vaccinate when you really don't think there's a chance your family could experience such a thing or you've never seen how awful it can be.

I Know my Baby Loves Me

Last night I was upset over yet again forgetting to do something very important at work. A coworker caught it thank goodness, but I'm beyond frustrated with myself. I was also just exhausted and feeling anxious and down in general. E obviously picked up on it. He was hanging on to his lovey (one of those little blanket pals) while Hub held him. As I talked to E, he pushed the lovey to my face and smiled. He did this not once, but three times. I thanked him and kissed him after each time.

I don't know if he was offering me his lovey in aid, if he was making the lovey kiss me like we do for him, or if he even knew what he was doing, but it was incredibly sweet. It was my happy thought throughout today.

I will probably see a therapist sometime next week. It feels very surreal to be saying that. Sometimes I feel like I'm a fraud and don't really need one. That's why I have to make the appointment quickly before I convince myself it's not important.

Getting Help

Today seemed so good, but then my faulty brain kicked in yet again, and it came crashing down around my ears. Tonight I called to be sure my insurance covered a therapist FavoriteOB recommended. They do. Tomorrow I'm calling to make an appointment with her. I've been trying to do it on my own for too long. I need help.

PPA Revisited

I've still been dealing with a lot of insecurity, anxiety and maybe even a touch of paranoia at work. I kept thinking that maybe something was really wrong with me, and perhaps I needed a counselor. Today though, I thought about how I feel pretty good at home. Then I realized that it's not really at home, it's when I'm with E. When I'm with E, I feel like I'm fulfilling my purpose. I feel happy, confident and focused. I don't give a damn what other people think in the slightest.

When I'm away from him I feel lost. I feel scattered. I can't remember the dumbest things. I can't focus as well. I feel insecure and inept. My emotions swing from one end to the other. It's as if someone has stolen part of me.

Maybe this is the a-ha that should have slapped me in the face long ago, but I think I'm still suffering from separation anxiety with him. It's just that I tamped it down so well, I thought I was getting over it. Then when I didn't have a label for it, the anxiety bled all through the other aspects of life apart from my son. I didn't understand why I felt that way, so the situation snowballed. Co-workers who prey on the weak saw that and targeted me. I, in turn, became even more anxiety ridden. It was a vicious cycle.

Like I've experienced before with fertility treatment side effects, once I have a why for feeling this way, sometimes I can cope much more effectively. So I'm going to try this. Per my discussion with a certain helpful someone, I'm going to go a week or two trying to manage my emotions now that I know the probable cause. I'm going to remind myself that what matters is who I know I am, the love of my family and that I and my loved ones are happy. If I can manage pretty well without the horrible gut wrenching anxiety getting the best of me, then I will continue on that path. If not, I will call to see about a therapist. I've been this close to asking for anxiety medication so many times on this post partum journey, but I've dealt with it so far (and it IS much better than before), so let's see if I can work it out again. Hang in there with me won't you?

Cloth Diapers are Cute

A look at E's cloth dipeys hanging on that wonderful octopus I bought at Ikea. I can highly recommend it for this use.

Robin McKinley I Love You

Remember one of my favorite authors? She has a new book coming out. I need to read it.

ooooooh. Preeeetty.

Letters to Babybutt (8 mos)

Dear E,

Someday I'm going to have to stop calling you babybutt. You're getting big so fast! Or maybe you'll just let me call you that as a joke when no one else is around. hehe. Speaking of jokes, you make and see lots of funnies right now. Sneezes and farts (Will we be calling them "toots?" I have no idea.) are worth at least a smile if not a chuckle. Some of these body noises are so funny in fact that you fake them. You not only cough now, but you've heard Daddy sneeze so often that you've started pretending to sneeze. You've been doing it for quite a while, but I didn't make the connection until Daddy mentioned it, and I saw you copy him immediately following a real one of his own. It's flippin' adorable if I do say so myself.

Burping isn't so funny for you because you still tend to spit up a little when it happens. Something you've added to it though is a shiver. I call them burp shivers. It's cute to see the shiver wind its way from your head to your toes.

We've discovered that you seem to be not so much a physical baby as a vocal and fine motor skills one. You're not too interested in walking and crawling, though you are making "strides" (yes, Mommy's funny) in that direction. It amuses me greatly to see either your head or diapered butt pop up above the crib bumper and bobble all around before disappearing again. But your talking? Oh man is that taking off. You practice lots of different consonant sounds and appear to know what "Mama" means. A babysitter swears you said "hello." You've been shaking your head back and forth in what seems to be a "no," or "I don't want this" gesture. Books continue tol fascinate, and you manipulate them with ease now.

One of my favorite new things though is how you deliberately remove your socks. You've always been able to kick them off the minute we put them on you, but now you'll sit there jabbering away until you notice them on your feet. "Oh!! What is this??" your eyes say. Then you reach down, grab the toe, whip the sock off and hold it aloft with a wide, proud grin. I remember your surprised look the first time you managed it.

We often find your socks after a sleep placed just so.
Now if you could only realize that footed pjs can't be removed in the same fashion, much frustration could be avoided.

You really aren't often frustrated though. You are an easygoing, good natured baby. Well, you are that way with Mommy and Daddy at least. You still take a while to warm up to new people and new situations, but still exude love and sweetness like always. You are a sweet, lovey cuddle bug. Mornings are still our favorite cuddle time. You snuggle, kiss, coo and stroke. You spend more time gently running your fingers through my hair rather than pulling it. We can't believe what a lovey boy we have. And you still never seem to "lie" to us. You're very easy that way. If you're ready for sleep, you usually let us know and won't fight it if we put you in the crib. You very rarely want to be rocked anymore. You just fall asleep on your own! It's really amazing. You only cry when you really need us. Sometimes you complain a little, but there's a big difference between when we need to pick you up, and when you're just talking. It's really nice to have that! If you're comfortable, you sleep the whole night through. Even when you wake up hungry in the morning, you try to put yourself back to sleep for a while before Mommy realizes and feeds you. After eating, it's sleepy land pretty quickly again for baby.

And how do we feel about you right now? Well, we feel like time is speeding along. You're growing so quickly. But watching you develop is one of the most amazing things we've ever experienced. Every day there's something new in those big chocolate/golden eyes. And parenting you continues to be the most rewarding and important thing we've ever done or will do.
Love,
Mama