Ah Whatever

Ya know... the stuff I've been reading about Metformin is really starting to get to me. I read studies that say it does help. I read studies that say it doesn't help. I read studies that say it helps for a little while and then stops. Then I read accounts and admonishments that you have to follow a very strict routine, otherwise it's not effective. And on top of all that, I read that it's never as effective as improvements in diet and exercise.

You know what sucks though? There is very little on how it affects thin women with PCOS. I'm very tired of hearing how if I would just improve my diet and exercise more, then I wouldn't need any meds. Bullshit*. Let me tell you how my life goes. I go to work where I walk somewhere around 5 to 7 miles in a day depending on my duties for the day. I lift heavy things and sometimes suffer repetitive stress injuries from lots of physical activity. On top of that, the Hub and I try to be active on our weekends, and I eat healthier than almost everyone in my immediate circle. I eat healthy enough in fact that it's often difficult for me to go to someone else's house and have enough to eat or to not offend them with my restrictions. Has that helped my cycles? Not enough.

So I'm not reading anymore. I invite and welcome tips from readers, but I'm done with research. I'm not capable of the completely strict routine due to the nature of my job, my life and just MY nature. So if that makes me fail, then so be it. I have to be a happy human being sometimes. The one thing I read that really did help me is that it can take 4 to 6 months for cycles to normalize on Met. Since I'm on cycle day 24 with no ovulation and no fertile signs at all, I imagine it could take me that long. God knows I'm worried that it will go like it did last time and I will never ovulate while on this drug. Last time I didn't even O with gonadotropins while on this drug. (very very unusual for me. I tend to be the classic thin pcos super over responder to ovulation induction)

But I will try to be patient. I'll give this a chance. If it doesn't work, then it's on to Chinese medicine and a "what will be will be" mentality. I may do another IUI at some point, but at this time, I can't shake the feeling that nothing's going to work while I'm so out of balance hormonally. I don't have unlimited resources to just keep trying until it does.**

But until then, let's see what Met has done for me hmm?

The Good: Clearer skin, fewer hunger "crashes" and less jittery hunger feelings, not as many emotional highs and lows

The Bad: Crap interest in usually fun bedroom activities, random stomach upset, complete disgust at the thought of eating protein (never been a protein gal, but now it's worse), major sugar cravings, many flatline temps on my bbt (never a good thing historically), fatigue.

I'll keep documenting this, and we'll hope that the balance shifts.

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*I have a sneaking suspicion that MANY women feel this way regardless of their weight status. Weight seems to be a cop out. Now that I'm thinner, I've even gotten comments that maybe a little weight gain could only help. Excuse me while I cough "bullshit" into my hand once again.

**Even though I had a dream the other night that I got a job that came with a pleasant surprise - full fertility benefits! Aaah the fantasy life.

(Slightly Less) Fun Food Friday!

Funny. After moping about the conditions on food in my life, I now get to write a "Fun Food Friday" post. I can't lie and say I'm feelin' it. I'm not. Even though it's the Met and my body that are causing all the problems here, it sure feels like the food's fault.

But I think I can work up enough excitement for one entry.

One snack that has not let me down this whole time is Mott's no sugar added applesauce. I don't know what I'd do without it. Sometimes I get the jar of plain applesauce and add cinnamon for some extra yum. Right now I'm obsessed with getting the different flavors of their mixed sauce in little work friendly cups. My favorites are the strawberry, peach and country berry. It's always been a comfort food and now I'm counting my lucky stars that some genius finally realized that fruit is sweet enough without sugar, and that there is no need to add aspartame!!

I guess I can't shake the grumps. Oh well. If you're cut off from sugar like I am, try this. It's delicious. It's sweet. It's refreshing. It makes Barb slightly less grumpy.


If you want to join in, see this post for details.

Ugh*

Hub said to me today, "I think the Met changed your voice. It sounds different. It's a lot more whiny than usual." Smartass.

The problem is, he's right. (Please don't tell him I said that.) I have been in turns nauseous, fatigued, hungry, apathetic about food, hopeful, despairing, carb fearing and carb craving. I started out all cocky and confident. That confidence led me to eat a huge bowl of whole wheat spaghetti early on. That was not a good decision. I spent days wondering if my stomach would ever quiet again. On top of that, I had a lot of foggy headed drowsiness.

So my next step was to FEAR carbs. They were the enemy - the sweet, delicious enemy - but the enemy just the same. I bought lots of high protein snacks, foods and drinks. I ate them with relish. I ate them until I felt that if I saw one more almond or piece of baked fish I might yack. I yearned for rice, potatoes, corn chips for Pete's sake! But my stomach was fairly still, so I resisted.

Then I became even more listless and crabby. I felt nauseous often and just not quite right. I wanted carbs with a vengeance that bordered on obsession. We had a meal with rice a few nights ago. I devoured that rice. I would like to say I chewed it with heavenly abandon, but it was more like greedy glee. I didn't overindulge, but man did that rice make a difference. The craving didn't stop there, so I started allowing more carbs back in bit by bit. I started feeling better and my intestines didn't revolt! Now I have to be careful not to binge because man do I want to.

It's so difficult to balance this. It's so individual and such a royal P.I.T.A. I've learned that I, like many others, cannot tolerate too much lettuce while on Met. Sigh. But I can handle some dairy and some white grains. Kashi whole grains seem to be the best though. I can also cheat like crazy if I do it very very carefully when the sun sets on the third Sunday in June. I can't take my first dose at breakfast. My digestive system takes offense to something that jolting so early in the morning. But I CAN take it about 40 minutes after lunch. My evening dose is best done with milk, right before bed.

Beside the whole eating mess, there's another side to the Met that has me frustrated and cranky. Since I've started it, I have very little interest in the finer (or should I say baser?) aspects of married life. And the few times I do, my pesky stomach often protests if it's jostled or touched to much. Can anyone tell me how conducive that is to creating a child???

So yes, I'm whiny. And cranky. And hungry and pissy and worried this will just be like every other treatment. I'll go through lots of shit and self sacrifice for absolutely nothing.

*Yes that's all I can muster for a title. Wanna make somethin' of it?

Insight

I've learned a lot this lovely Labor Day weekend. Shall I share?

1. While Jacksonville has its perks, it is not a city I will be driving hours to visit again any time soon.
2. I miss the beach. I want to go to the beach for a whole day with nothing else to do. (ahem DH)
3. I miss bird watching. Hopefully we can start that again soon.
4. Older gentlemen can have a lot of fun windsurfing on the beach.
5. I love Sing Star Amped and Pop!
6. If you are beyond movement and very pathetically and prettily beg Hub to carry you to your bed and perhaps brush your teeth for you, he will oblige at least one of those requests in a very sweet way. He might even take a detour for you to check the locks, turn off the lights and pick up a few things. (XO Hub)
   
7. I think it was Seussgirl on One Day Two Day who mentioned the Pomegranate Dark Chocolate Haagen-Dazs Bar ages ago. Thanks to her, I have been scouring every grocery retailer I see since. I found them at Target this weekend and HAD to have them in spite of my "condition." All I can say about that tart, sweet, creamy, chocolate deliciousness is DAYUM! Thanks Seussgirl. I learned that it's worth it.
8. If I time my indiscretions just right, and eat just the right amount of the right thing, I can get away with about one a day without too much grief. (I'm all about cheating)
   
9. The reason that people lose weight on Metformin is because it makes them feel sick so often. I'm convinced that the "losing interest in food" side effect is because: A. You get so tired of eating the same damn healthy things, so food loses all appeal and B. The thought of any food often makes you feel sick, and it's then just not worth it to eat.

Thanks for learning along with me!

How about a quickie?

I'm so sleepy, but I feel a strong need to update; thus, the quickie.

I've been on 1000mg of Met for 3 days now and so far so good!  I've had a few little mistakes, but nothing like that first attempt.  I've found that it helps a LOT to take the first one at lunch time rather than breakfast. Early morning is always difficult for my system anyway.

So much for the stirrings of fall.  It has been so steamy that I fear my face will melt off. 

A wonderful woman I've "known" for quite a while during our wonderful ttc process is trying to work her way through some difficult decisions about her lifestyle and health.  She has PCOS like me along with a good probability of diabetes.  If anyone wants to weigh in on her vegetarian eating dilemma, please hop over and give her some advice.  Or you know what? Encouragement would be awesome too. She's an intelligent, well-spoken, empathetic woman who could use some help.

Click on An Older Version of Me.

Thanks!

First Fun Food Friday!!

I have been waiting with anticipation for this post. I confess that I already have a written list of foods I'd like to showcase in this series. However, since my excitement over one find was particularly acute, I decided that my first Fun Food will be spaghetti squash! (If you'd like the info on what this is all about, check out this post.)

I had heard about spaghetti squash from an acquaintance who had lots of unfortunate food allergies and was always on the lookout for things she could eat. She swore that spaghetti squash was quite good and worked with all kinds of seasonings and sauces. I was slightly hesitant, and it was also difficult to find. But then we got Whole Foods, and my food horizons broadened considerably! I picked up the squash there a few days ago after 2 very unfortunate incidents that forced me to accept that I can no longer eat pasta as my whole meal - even if it is whole grain.

Spaghetti squash is easy to make and a delight to eat. There are multiple methods of boiling, microwaving, crockpotting (sounds vaguely illegal) and baking it, but I chose the latter. This vegetable basically looks like an elongated, smooth, pale yellow melon or pumpkin. All I had to do was cut it in half to dish out the pumpkin-like seeds and guts, then place it cut-side down in a shallow baking pan with approximately 1/4 to 1/2 inch of water. I baked it at 375 degrees for about 40 minutes (or until the flesh is tender), and it was done! While it was cooking it filled the house with a tantalizingly light, sweet aroma. It was almost like a very faint sweet potato casserole.
Needless to say, anticipation in our house was high for this new food experience.

When it was done, I left it out to cool before scraping the flesh out of the rind in long strands with a fork. That, along with the guts part, was reminiscent of childhood Halloweens spent readying pumpkins for their transformation. So even though it was a dirty, messy job (especially in my hands), I had fun doing it. It was also cool to see that it really did deserve its name!

The smell as I was scraping the flesh was wonderful. I even made Hub come over and stick his face in it. Of course we had to try it before we even seasoned it. It was surprisingly good; lightly sweet, slightly crisp, and a trace of pumpkin. Since pumpkin is one of my favorite foods EVER - this squash found a sweet spot in my heart fast.

We tried it 2 different ways. Since I was craving my burgundy marinara like crazy, but couldn't eat pasta, we used that. Then, later, I mixed it with melted butter, agave nectar and cinnamon. YUM! How many foods can you make that are a side dish and the dessert? If you couldn't tell, I'm smitten.
A+ for spaghetti squash!

The PCOS lowdown: This veggie does pack some sugar. Hence the sweet taste. However, it's much better for you glycemic index wise than eating the same amount of pasta. It's also high in fiber, potassium, and vitamins B6 (important for gynecological problems) and C. Bonus - if you're trying to lose weight, it's very low in calories.

Other bloggers like fun food too!

1. One Day Two Day - White Bean Tomato Soup

The Love-Fest Continues

DH found some of those files he hid from me! (look at me - instigating) Anyway, in them were our vows. Obviously I used Hub's real name in them though. I had a very difficult time saying them because of the rock lodged firmly in my throat and the pools in my eyes, but I managed. I was quite proud I got through it at all. Hub even got a little teary.

ME (I have no idea why the highlight is here & don't have the patience to dig through the html to figure it out)
Hub, today I take you to be my husband. You complete my life - My love, my greatest supporter, mentor and friend.

From this day on, I will cherish you and encourage your dreams and individuality so that you may continue to shine and grow as you have allowed me to do.

From this day on, I will nurture our marriage and smile with you through anything life throws us. You have given me my greatest strength and my greatest happiness.

All that I am I give to you and all that I have I share with you.

Whatever the future holds, I will love you and stand by you,

As long as we both shall live.

HUB
Barb, today I take you to be my wife

From this day on, through good times & bad, I will live with you, grow old & change with you, & do all that I can to keep our marriage strong & happy, & alive with possibilities.

From this day on, I will cherish you, & look forward with joy at our future peace and happiness, knowing we will walk together, side by side, hand in hand, & heart to heart.

Where there has been cold, you have brought warmth,
Where my life has been dark, you have brought light,
From this day on, I swear to be to you everything you already are to me.

Whatever the future holds, I will love you and stand by you,

As long as we both shall live.

I think we chose wisely, as those words remain true today. I look back at those innocent beginnings and think about how little we really knew of the world and the tests that would come our way. But I'm proud that no matter how naive we were, we knew that we were devoted to one another. We set up the foundation on that day that would bring us to where we are now - still happy, still supportive. Hub is an amazing man with depths of empathy, grace, light and strength that I don't think I could find anywhere else. Thank God he married me.