Dooce Love

I just finished reading a few chapters of "It Sucked Then I Cried" by Heather Armstrong. I'm reading about the first month post partum right now, and all I can say is Thank God someone with more skill than I can convey those feelings and moments for others. Right now I want to run to Utah, find her, throw my arms wide and say "Oh my God YES!" and "Thank you a million times over for showing this and making me feel that much less alone or insane." Because even other Moms will do that to you. It's unfortunate how I know that. If you like her humor, read it. More after I finish.

An Open Letter to Many

Dear Co-worker who gave me a surprise hug after I effed up yet again,

Thanks. I needed that.

Dear people who didn't even bother to respond with a no thanks when I asked for help,

You suck.

Dear work,

Please make it easier to be a parent with no family living nearby. It would only help your reputation.

Dear people who think you have it all figured out,

Walk in someone else's shoes and find out. You aren't all that.

Dear sweet friend,

Thank you for loving my baby, telling me he had "something special," and for treating me like family would. I'm sorry all other states, but Pennsylvania people are truly the best. (With only few exceptions. ;)

Dear Hub,

I am so very very glad I have a partner who can marvel with me at all of life's amazing moments and wonders. How did I get so lucky as to find a man with whom I could enjoy a sunset, a beautiful moon, a blissful breeze, a cool thunderstorm, a fascinating article, an adorable animal and our baby's sweetness so fully? Thank you forever.

Dear E,

You are the most wonderful son I could have ever asked for. Thank you for your sweetness and love.

Sincerely to all,
FCiF

More Discussion

Please feel free to discuss the previous parenthood = better person post more in depth in the comments. I'm very curious to see others' points of view. I will be writing there myself. I thought about it some more, and I believe that most people say it makes them a better person because the good stuff that they get out of parenting is way more of pro than the negatives that result are a con. Therefore, they feel like better people and are happier overall. At least that's my thought. I feel like an overall better human, but I definitely feel I'm lacking in areas I once mastered.

Baby Understands

E has lately liked being rocked to sleep again. I guess it's some sort of regression or whatever. Anyway, we read a few books, and he began begging for more. I had told him with the last book that we would read one more, and then it was bedtime. Since he was begging I said to him, "E, it's time to sleep. No more books. Would you like to sleep in the chair with Mommy or in the crib?" To my astonishment, he said, "Mum." I said, "OK then baby. Let's go to sleep. Mommy can sing to you." Once again he showed his understanding by laying his head on my chest, relaxing and really trying to fall asleep for the next 10 minutes. It's so incredibly astonishing the rate at which they learn to communicate. And he's so incredibly cute.

Parenting = Better Person?

Do I think motherhood has made me a better person?

I ruminated on this after reading many times how mothers often say it does and that those who are not mothers in whatever situation find that answer frustrating and questionable. It's no secret I've struggled sometimes to understand who I've become after giving birth to E, so I decided to throw my two cents into the heap.

My answer to this is yes and no. Like any of the major life changing events I've experienced (infertility, living on my own far away, marriage, death), I've gained a lot of insight on myself, understanding others and life in general since becoming a mother. I challenge anyone to say they could go through such an amazing (and often difficult!) blessing and not take anything positive away from it. In that way, I suppose I am a better person. I always consider taking away new knowledge from experience a sort of betterment. And in this case, I've learned more in a shorter time than I think I have ever before. I also find that I am happier, calmer, more patient, more loving, more understanding, more fulfilled and more world aware than I have ever been. I'm also much less impulsive and judgmental. Those are also all ways in which I would consider I'm "better," though others around me disagree on some of that.

However, just today I wrote a post in my head while I was at work about how I'm disappointed in myself. While I am very pleased with my role as "E's Mom" and think that I do a great job at that finally, my work suffers greatly. I'm someone who has always garnered a lot of self worth from the quality of work I do and from the opinions of those around me. It's a horrible habit, but one that I have trouble breaking. Since having E, I've been much more scattered, more sensitive (which is good and bad), I can't focus on work well, I don't care as much about doing a pristine job, and I've been much less secure in who I am. My confidence is lacking, and while I used to be able to make people laugh on occasion, I seem to have lost much of my sense of humor. Oh I can appreciate a good joke, but I can no longer seem to bring levity to a situation. I feel that I've become too serious and too prone to mistakes. I'm not the overachiever I once was, and in some ways that makes me sad. I also am now too quick to think I can't accomplish something on my own, whereas at one time, I would have been first in line to prove just how WELL I could accomplish something without anyone else thank you.

So in those ways, I don't feel that motherhood has made me a better person. Again, just like any big life event, I am simply different. Some aspects of my personality have been heightened, some diminished. Some of my abilities are now favored while others have been left in the dust. It's simply a huge adjustment to accept who I am post motherhood. I am absolutely adoring the experience, and I love what it has done for my life on the whole, but sometimes I feel that I am muddling through the absorption of it all.

I'm glad for the discussion on this because it's certainly helped me think a little more clearly on the matter, and I'm sure every single person would take something different away from this sort of introspection.

Just Can't Get Over the Dentist Crap

I've found a fabulous new dentist. And the more I go to him, the more I realize that this guy was just a jerk trying to sell me lots of stuff I didn't need who didn't do his job that well. I have a couple fillings that need some fixing that he did. Ugh.

Letters to Babybutt

Dear E,

In a few days you will be 14 months old! FOURTEEN MONTHS! You're acting more and more like a little boy every day. It's so exciting and adorable, but at the same time, pretty scary for Mommy and Daddy!

You've added so many words to your vocabulary. See? Shy! Woof! and Hello are just a few. You try to mimic just about everything from our actions to our words to our tones of voice. You're not into even trying to walk yet, but you are very steady when standing, and you've got just about any fine motor skill action down! You've even managed to get food on your spoon and into your mouth on occasion.

You're also just as sweet as ever. You show a few toddler things with the attitude of, "I can do it myself!" but for the most part, you remain concerned about others' feelings and love to be praised. Some of our favorite new developments are the spontaneously offered hugs and the calls of "Da-Da!" that echo through the house. The hugs are an unbearable sweetness. You know how to melt your Mommy and Daddy, that's for sure. Just tonight, we were in the tub, and called Daddy to come help dry you off. When he came, you got so excited that he came to your call and reached for his neck to wrap your arms around it and lay your head on his chest. Did you know, by the way, that "Da-Da" means "parental unit" and "Mama" happens to be my name only? When you say Daddy, it always means him in particular, but Da Da (shouted at high volume) is interchangeable and often shouted in concern when you're worried one of us might be leaving.

Animals and books continue to be two obsessions in your life. Not only do you like books to be read to you, but now you like to read books to Mama (as well as feed her - and I'd better actually eat it, baby saliva or not - wipe her face and brush her hair). You snap the book open to various places and very seriously and quickly gibber out clipped nonsense words. You remind me a little of Starvin' Marvin on South Park. Oh wait... you should not be seeing that. Never mind.

Anyway, we strive to be the best Mama and Dada we can to you every single day. Your happiness is the most important thing in our lives.

Always and forever,
M