PPA Revisited

I've still been dealing with a lot of insecurity, anxiety and maybe even a touch of paranoia at work. I kept thinking that maybe something was really wrong with me, and perhaps I needed a counselor. Today though, I thought about how I feel pretty good at home. Then I realized that it's not really at home, it's when I'm with E. When I'm with E, I feel like I'm fulfilling my purpose. I feel happy, confident and focused. I don't give a damn what other people think in the slightest.

When I'm away from him I feel lost. I feel scattered. I can't remember the dumbest things. I can't focus as well. I feel insecure and inept. My emotions swing from one end to the other. It's as if someone has stolen part of me.

Maybe this is the a-ha that should have slapped me in the face long ago, but I think I'm still suffering from separation anxiety with him. It's just that I tamped it down so well, I thought I was getting over it. Then when I didn't have a label for it, the anxiety bled all through the other aspects of life apart from my son. I didn't understand why I felt that way, so the situation snowballed. Co-workers who prey on the weak saw that and targeted me. I, in turn, became even more anxiety ridden. It was a vicious cycle.

Like I've experienced before with fertility treatment side effects, once I have a why for feeling this way, sometimes I can cope much more effectively. So I'm going to try this. Per my discussion with a certain helpful someone, I'm going to go a week or two trying to manage my emotions now that I know the probable cause. I'm going to remind myself that what matters is who I know I am, the love of my family and that I and my loved ones are happy. If I can manage pretty well without the horrible gut wrenching anxiety getting the best of me, then I will continue on that path. If not, I will call to see about a therapist. I've been this close to asking for anxiety medication so many times on this post partum journey, but I've dealt with it so far (and it IS much better than before), so let's see if I can work it out again. Hang in there with me won't you?

Cloth Diapers are Cute

A look at E's cloth dipeys hanging on that wonderful octopus I bought at Ikea. I can highly recommend it for this use.

Robin McKinley I Love You

Remember one of my favorite authors? She has a new book coming out. I need to read it.

ooooooh. Preeeetty.

Letters to Babybutt (8 mos)

Dear E,

Someday I'm going to have to stop calling you babybutt. You're getting big so fast! Or maybe you'll just let me call you that as a joke when no one else is around. hehe. Speaking of jokes, you make and see lots of funnies right now. Sneezes and farts (Will we be calling them "toots?" I have no idea.) are worth at least a smile if not a chuckle. Some of these body noises are so funny in fact that you fake them. You not only cough now, but you've heard Daddy sneeze so often that you've started pretending to sneeze. You've been doing it for quite a while, but I didn't make the connection until Daddy mentioned it, and I saw you copy him immediately following a real one of his own. It's flippin' adorable if I do say so myself.

Burping isn't so funny for you because you still tend to spit up a little when it happens. Something you've added to it though is a shiver. I call them burp shivers. It's cute to see the shiver wind its way from your head to your toes.

We've discovered that you seem to be not so much a physical baby as a vocal and fine motor skills one. You're not too interested in walking and crawling, though you are making "strides" (yes, Mommy's funny) in that direction. It amuses me greatly to see either your head or diapered butt pop up above the crib bumper and bobble all around before disappearing again. But your talking? Oh man is that taking off. You practice lots of different consonant sounds and appear to know what "Mama" means. A babysitter swears you said "hello." You've been shaking your head back and forth in what seems to be a "no," or "I don't want this" gesture. Books continue tol fascinate, and you manipulate them with ease now.

One of my favorite new things though is how you deliberately remove your socks. You've always been able to kick them off the minute we put them on you, but now you'll sit there jabbering away until you notice them on your feet. "Oh!! What is this??" your eyes say. Then you reach down, grab the toe, whip the sock off and hold it aloft with a wide, proud grin. I remember your surprised look the first time you managed it.

We often find your socks after a sleep placed just so.
Now if you could only realize that footed pjs can't be removed in the same fashion, much frustration could be avoided.

You really aren't often frustrated though. You are an easygoing, good natured baby. Well, you are that way with Mommy and Daddy at least. You still take a while to warm up to new people and new situations, but still exude love and sweetness like always. You are a sweet, lovey cuddle bug. Mornings are still our favorite cuddle time. You snuggle, kiss, coo and stroke. You spend more time gently running your fingers through my hair rather than pulling it. We can't believe what a lovey boy we have. And you still never seem to "lie" to us. You're very easy that way. If you're ready for sleep, you usually let us know and won't fight it if we put you in the crib. You very rarely want to be rocked anymore. You just fall asleep on your own! It's really amazing. You only cry when you really need us. Sometimes you complain a little, but there's a big difference between when we need to pick you up, and when you're just talking. It's really nice to have that! If you're comfortable, you sleep the whole night through. Even when you wake up hungry in the morning, you try to put yourself back to sleep for a while before Mommy realizes and feeds you. After eating, it's sleepy land pretty quickly again for baby.

And how do we feel about you right now? Well, we feel like time is speeding along. You're growing so quickly. But watching you develop is one of the most amazing things we've ever experienced. Every day there's something new in those big chocolate/golden eyes. And parenting you continues to be the most rewarding and important thing we've ever done or will do.
Love,
Mama

Here Goes Nothin

Here I go. I'm posting a photo... of me... of the baby. ACK!
I am well worn and not at all made up in this photo, and it wasn't the most well thought out moment, but it's still one of my favorites. Hub snapped it in our kitchen before running off to work closer to the end of my 9 week maternity leave. Baby and I had woken up not long before and were having a sleepy, lovey morning. I love how soft the light and our faces are. He's wearing pink because that's Elizabeth's sleep sack. He's a modern baby. Speaking of Elizabeth, we received the play silks that I won in Jen's contest in the mail today. They're beautiful! Photos coming probably in the next few days or so.

No One Likes Blogging About Blogging, But It's What I Got

I think I have writer's block. Work has been quite stressful. The lovey has been only sleeping well off and on, and I'm just tired. I have this burning need to write. I want to write, but every time I start in on one of my ideas, it fizzles here on the screen. bleh. I want to write about how I was taken aback at the fact that it's not only your life, but your reality that changes with becoming a parent. I want to write a bit about understanding cries and why don't they talk about that when discussing "cry it out." I hope to get to them. What I know is that I will get my act together in time to write my baby's 8th month letter. Eight months. Holy shit man.

No Rest for the Weary

My baby has a really awful digestive system. No poop again yesterday and lots of crying/belly trouble last night. No more stage 2 food combos for him. :( Poor baby.