Me

I'm starting to get my confidence back and have more good days than bad. My longing for more time with the baby and to take care of my house has not abated in the slightest. However, part time seems a distant chance due to the fact that I have to provide the medical coverage for the two of us.

The bummer is that I feel the problems starting again - highs and lows, weariness, sugar causing issues.. I see Endo next week, so we'll see what's up. I see Met in my future again. But that's ok if it means I'll be physically more capable for E. I suspect it's mainly that and not so much the thyroid.

I'm also a very changed woman. I want to be kinder, better. My priorities have shifted a good deal, and not all my friends understand, so I'm a bit lonely. I miss Jen.

Hub and I are connected in a better, stronger way somehow. We're a good team. I'm eager to get a little more alone time with him when my Mom visits though. It's hard to nurture your relationship when this one needs so much. But it's worth it.

You

You are over 4 months old now. You giggle, squeal and smile your way into peoples' hearts. You love to touch and be touched. Your hand, or arm, or leg is always twisted to touch some patch of my skin. When I hug you, you snuggle in, grip me and smile wildly. You have definite opinions on what you'd like to be doing and aren't afraid to voice them, though you are ever so much more patient now.

You are trying very hard to talk and are so very excited when both Mommy and Daddy are home. We just wish that could be more often. You sing happy songs and wiggle when you love something.

You watch us eat with rapt attention, but aren't yet ready for that despite the fact that you are a BIG growing boy! Your height is in the 90th percentile and your weight in the 70th. You had to have gotten that from Grandpa's side of the family. Mommy likes to call you chubber bubber.

Your hair is growing long in random patches, and is a soft chocolate brown shot with gold. The fine golden hairs on your head and back catch the light in such a way that Daddy thought you got into some glitter somewhere. It matches your light, golden skin tone. We think your eyes will be chocolate like your hair - soft and beautiful.

Your smile is gorgeous with that pretty mouth. It picks up in your eyes and lights up your whole face. Daddy and Grandmother always said Mommy's eyes sparkled. Mommy never knew what they meant until she saw yours do it. Now THAT'S sparkling. You seem to look less like Daddy all the time and more like Mommy, which Mommy never ever expected.

You like games, books and patterns now. Some favorites are This Little Piggy, anything involving singing or "eating" the baby, Goodnight Moon, and Mommy's tye dye t-shirt. You get so into patterns and moving things that you lean forward to see it better until your forehead bumps into it. You make us laugh every day.

You are a delight. We are exhausted at the end of each day, but parenting you together is so fun. We love our family, and so it seems, do you.

Always,
Mommy

A High Need Baby

For those of you who want to know why I was a little frantic in my need to know how to help E when he was younger, read this and you will see. She describes him pretty much to a T except that he isn't quite as intense as what she describes.. but it's quite close.

High Needs Baby

I like how the writer tries to make you feel good about your "high needs baby. " I know many people have said, "He just sounds like a normal baby!" And while this is true, most babies are pretty needy, he really is a fairly intense case. Even our incredibly kind, understanding and experienced daycare provider struggles with him. Thank God we found her.

I have a bone to pick with people who tell me to "make him independent" as well. He's only gotten more needy with the transition to daycare. I love this paragraph in particular:

It helps to see separation from the baby's viewpoint. To most adults, especially those of the "babies must learn to be independent" mindset, baby and mother should be separate persons, able to function on their own. Babies don't see it that way. In their minds, mother is a part of themselves, and they are part of mother. Mother and baby are one, a complete package. These babies feel right when they feel at one with mother; they feel anxious and frightened when not with mother. Adults dub this completely normal behavior as "separation anxiety." In reality, these emotions are normal feelings inside a little person who knows that he needs the presence of his mother to thrive and to feel complete. Labels such as "stranger anxiety" or "separation anxiety" are adult jargon, reflecting our expectations of how we want babies to act for our own convenience, not how babies really are, or what they really need.

In the end, I think it's pretty awesome to have a baby so discerning that he knows Mommy and Daddy are the best. :) And I love that he is so physically lovey. Tiring as it can be, it's also exhilarating.

Sad

Driving E around so he could nap today (teething), I was astounded and saddened anew at the poverty that can still be found in a modern U.S. city. We're talking true poverty; literal shanties and dirt roads right around downtown. There aren't enough words.

I'm also horrified that three people close to me have been diagnosed with breast cancer since the birth of E. One of them has to have her eggs harvested 2 weeks pre-chemo just for the chance of a baby. And she already had fertility issues.

I'm just a ray of sunshine today eh? No worries, beautiful, thankful words on E's loveliness have been swimming around in there too, so hopefully soon.

XO and take care.

FCiF

Mommy Seeking Other Mommies

I find myself desperately needing other mommies. And there is No Jen anymore. :( Are you sure there are no other Central Florida mommies lurking around out there? I know someone contacted me once, but I've lost touch with her.

E is Born Part 4

I forgot to mention in the previous post that the epidural made my skin itch all over.. an itch you could not relieve. I had no idea it could cause that. Weird huh?

All right, so pushing... By this time, a few family members had come thinking they'd get to see this baby, but had been disappointed time and time again. I can't tell you the relief and joy I felt when I saw my Grandmother walk through the door a few times. During the pushing though, that was all Hub, and he was friggin amazing.

E's heart rate continued to cause us some worry, though it had evened out after they added more "water" so that he wasn't under such stress during the contractions. Man, I think about the sweet baby I now know in that position, and it just breaks my heart even though I know it's normal baby delivering stuff. They eventually hooked him up to the internal monitor that goes just beneath their scalp. He had the scab from that for a long time.

By this time I had two new nurses. One was an ok sort. The other had to be new or something. She gossiped about Aubrey and half the other hospital with the first nurse while I was trying to move E's head. (his BIG head). She was also horrible, horrible at coaching. The things she told me during labor:
-That's not good enough! Push harder! (repeatedly - no encouragement. I finally looked at
Hub and said, I need POSITIVE reinforcement or I feel like I can't do this. I meant that for
HER, and she finally stopped so much)
-Your epi isn't wearing off. If it was, you'd be screaming more.
-Don't you throw up on me! (while I dry heaved on all fours, hot from fever)
-It's like an ice box in here! I'm so cold! (after turning down the ac b/c of my fever.)
And..
-Yes you can honey!!! (when I said, "I can do it!" because I wanted her to stop pushing my
hip, which hurt, when they wanted me to sway. I glared as hard as I could glare.)

But luckily, I got the nurse midwife from Heaven maybe 45 minutes into the pushing? Time has no meaning. To me, it was my own little village of pain. The pain was incredible. Tearing. Pulsing. Sharp. Dull. All of that wrapped up into my writhing self. Honestly, if it had just been the contractions on the front, and the pain in my birth canal, I think I could have handled it better. The back pain is what slayed me. Although I have to say that the pain from trying to move that big head was not inconsiderable.

But I digress. The nurse midwife found much more effective ways for me to push, AND I think she got rid of chatty Cathy. The other nurse was much better once newbie was gone. The previous two nurses had kept trying to have me lie on my back, hold my own legs, curl around my own belly and push that way. It just wasn't working. He was really lodged in there, and I couldn't get enough purchase through my back pain and using my own body to move him down. When I told the nurses this, the better one said, "Purchase?? What do you mean by that? Like at a STORE?" So I had to give her a vocab lesson while pushing. Also note that before Nurse Midwife, Hub had to get their attention for me when a contraction was coming. Gee. Thanks for all the attentiveness ladies. I wanted to ask them if they'd like to switch places.

Nurse Midwife though; she was beyond. She gave me positions I could really dig into. We used the rod with the towel wrapped around it, a side lying position, up on all fours and more. At one point she even gave me HER OWN ARM to pull on, and that woman didn't budge! I said to her, "You are strong!" She said with a chuckle, "I grew up with lots of brothers."

They did ask me if I'd like to see E's hair at one point to give me oomph. I agreed. I can't explain what that was like. He had (and has) lots of dark hair. I was in love and couldn't focus on it all at the same time. By the time I was on all fours, I had been pushing for hours. My gown was falling off me, and dear sweet Hub kept trying to cover me back up, but I was so drenched in sweat, that I didn't give a shit. At this point, they informed me that new mommies are only allowed to push for 3 hours max. I had no idea, but it had been more than 2 hours of pushing at this point.

Finally, after 2 and a half hours, and lots of the nurse midwife trying to "stretch my membranes" so I wouldn't tear, she asked if she could do an episiotomy. She apologized profusely, but assured me it was going to be better with the size of his head. She was one of those people I met that I just knew had it under control, so I agreed. I didn't feel that at all, but I sure felt his head move down and out. It felt like ripping. And it was (up through my urethra). It felt like his head was grinding down my tail bone. And it was. After his head was out, the rest of his body just slipped out easily, though I still feel what it was like to have those arm and leg bones push out of my body every time I see him. They lie. I will not forget that. I had also been told that the afterbirth was hard. It was a breeze compared to the birth. And the nurse midwife showed us where the baby was in it and what it looked like. Very cool. He was born at 9:26pm on January 4th, my beloved maternal Grandma's birthday. My own birthday is on her father's - my great grandfather.

He did not cry. He fussed a little. This was concerning. I huffed dry, breathy sobs as they declared his weight of 7 lbs, 7.8 oz and his length of 20.5 inches. Many photos were taken as they talked about how he had a fever and wasn't thriving, so he had to be taken to "transition." I got to see him a total of a few minutes. Gone was my dream of breast feeding immediately, cuddling and showing him off. Hub went with him right after we decided on his name. He said it was scary to see him kicking feebly and hooked up to lots of wires. It's such a relief to go check on him quietly napping as I type this. My beautiful baby. My poor relatives waited all that time and only got to see me, not the baby.

As this was happening, I was being stitched up, and later, helped to relieve my poor full bladder. It's a testament to what you go through that I did not feel even an iota self conscious while the poor nurse helped me. She kept apologizing for my lack of privacy. I told her I did not care.

They kept saying I'd be able to go by the nursery and see E, but it never happened. As beautiful and progressive as the hospital is, it's way understaffed and way overworked. We never got our dinner until midnight and didn't see E again until 12:30am, when my heart overflowed with love even as I longed for sleep.

I have one more part to go.. the aftermath, then I'm finished. :)

Never Mind

So my period ended as quickly as it began, and E is now back to nursing every 3 hours at night. Oh mother nature how you love to put the smack down on whining.