Hey there! Told ya I'd be wordy. So as a little aside and a happy thing, I thought I'd throw out there that I finished all of Kingdom Hearts 2. LOVED it. And after watching The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe on TV the other night, I am now re-reading the Chronicles in eager anticipation of Prince Caspian. These books are perfect for movie adaptation because they leave so much up to your imagination and aren't as detailed as something like Harry Potter.**
Also, thank you so much for your wonderful support in the comments. You are really too kind, and it helped a lot. I've responded to them within the comments of the last post as well.
So now that you've had a little dash of light, let me get into the heavy stuff. Here is what I've (along with Hub's help) come up with for some of the issues.
1. I've decided to step back a bit from my friendships and evaluate where they stand. Am I reading more into the friendship than is actually there? If I am, I can then withdraw a little and take it for what it is. It's fine to have acquaintances and friendly co-workers, or even friends with few strings attached. I just have to be sure I know that's where the relationship is before I look for more support than is actually there. I also have to be more cautious and ensure that I am valuing myself first and foremost.
2. There's not much I can do about this other than work through the stages of grief. However, just putting it out there made me feel a lot better. I also talked to a friend of mine who said that she has never stopped working through it. She lost her Grandma 7 years ago. Her Grandma was the woman who raised her for a good portion of her life. She said it's gotten easier, but she still grieves some and misses her daily. Like me, she said her death just occurred at a time when she seemed more vulnerable to all the ramifications. It made me feel better to know I'm normal in this.
I will tackle 3 & 4 later. I got some advice and some decent ideas for them today as a matter of fact. Five requires its own whole essay I'm sure. Think I'm wordy now? You haven't seen the half of it. ;-)
**Which I also love, along with probably 80% of the rest of the known world.
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
A LOT of Soul Searching
That's what has been going on in our house and in my head recently; more soul searching than I generally care to do. Things have not been "right" with me the past few weeks, so I set about trying to tackle the problem. I know, I know, I'm often less "right" than others (that's what DH loves about me - that off kilter feeling I bring to our home), but that's not what I mean. Stay with me here.
So I spent a few weeks stomping around, being pissy with others for small slights and feeling very unfulfilled and unhappy with myself before I decided to do something about it. This weekend I did a lot of talking with the Hub and spent a lot of time in my own company just thinking. I came up with a few things that may be causing this malcontent.
1. I am not over the loss of a close friend's support.
She was going through a rough patch just as I was going through my lap and some heavy duty treatments. Apparently those things don't mix for us. She's who she is, and I'm who I am. I couldn't take the "half friendship" stuff anymore. It was just too painful at a time when I had little strength for anything other than what I was dealing with at that point. But I mourned the loss of our relationship for months. I think I still feel a little lost without a friend of "my own" if you get what I mean. She was my sister in everything but name. I find myself trusting people less and feeling a little more alone. I need to complete closure on this.
2. I am not "over" the loss of my Grandfather
I am at the point now where I imagine some people think, "He was old, what did you expect?" or "She should surely stop talking about it now and move on." However, he has been gone less than a year. He was an integral part of my life. He was one of the only really steady male role models I had. I admire his life greatly and cherished his love and affection. I not only continue to grieve for myself, but for the whole family - particularly my Grandmother. Furthermore, the grief isn't the only issue. His passing started a chain reaction of thoughts in me that I can't seem to stem. As I've said before, it has made me contemplate life in general, what will happen to me and Ron, and how do I deal with the losses as they continue to come, as I continue to age. It's also even thrown my confusion about my religion into more chaos. I know you can't live like that. I know it. I know you need to live in the moment. It's something I did very successfully for years. However, even though I still live in the moment, I almost do it with a desperation... a desperation borne of this very stark understanding of life's truths. So number 2? Yeah, it's a biggie, and I need to work on it more.
3. The economy and our finances are a HUGE stress.
I dream at least twice a week that we lose our house and have to move into something awful. A big part of that is that even if we sold our house, we'd still be in tens of thousands of dollars of debt because of the poor housing market and the loss in value. We probably won't lose our house, but man is it hard to live as frugally and work as hard as we have been and not see much come of it.
4. I am unfulfilled and unhappy at work.
I have lost so much confidence in my leaders, and there's nowhere to turn. I still like what I do, and somewhat like the company, but I feel so stifled and mismanaged. The worst part is that others in the company seem to know that this is a problem, but are just waiting it out. It's easy for them to wait it out when they aren't on the bottom; recipients of all the sh*t that keeps rolling down that giant hill.
5. Finally - I am not as "at peace" with my reproductive status as I thought I was.
I am still very angry that even though my body is starting to respond, there is a very high chance I will never carry a child. That fact fills me with such an aching emptiness that I don't even know what to do with it. Furthermore, the more I learn about adoption, the more I understand that it comes with its own set of rejections, failed hopes and struggles. I just don't know if I can take starting that all over again with a new process. I think I might be a little more optimistic if we had the money to pursue private adoption since we could look all over the country, and would be working with mothers ready to give up their children, but we don't. It's as simple as that.
The Hub and I have already started talking about what all these problems look like and how we are going to address them. I fear that I will be very wordy in the coming days as I come to terms with all this and feel the need to purge myself all over the web as usual. Stay tuned.
So I spent a few weeks stomping around, being pissy with others for small slights and feeling very unfulfilled and unhappy with myself before I decided to do something about it. This weekend I did a lot of talking with the Hub and spent a lot of time in my own company just thinking. I came up with a few things that may be causing this malcontent.
1. I am not over the loss of a close friend's support.
She was going through a rough patch just as I was going through my lap and some heavy duty treatments. Apparently those things don't mix for us. She's who she is, and I'm who I am. I couldn't take the "half friendship" stuff anymore. It was just too painful at a time when I had little strength for anything other than what I was dealing with at that point. But I mourned the loss of our relationship for months. I think I still feel a little lost without a friend of "my own" if you get what I mean. She was my sister in everything but name. I find myself trusting people less and feeling a little more alone. I need to complete closure on this.
2. I am not "over" the loss of my Grandfather
I am at the point now where I imagine some people think, "He was old, what did you expect?" or "She should surely stop talking about it now and move on." However, he has been gone less than a year. He was an integral part of my life. He was one of the only really steady male role models I had. I admire his life greatly and cherished his love and affection. I not only continue to grieve for myself, but for the whole family - particularly my Grandmother. Furthermore, the grief isn't the only issue. His passing started a chain reaction of thoughts in me that I can't seem to stem. As I've said before, it has made me contemplate life in general, what will happen to me and Ron, and how do I deal with the losses as they continue to come, as I continue to age. It's also even thrown my confusion about my religion into more chaos. I know you can't live like that. I know it. I know you need to live in the moment. It's something I did very successfully for years. However, even though I still live in the moment, I almost do it with a desperation... a desperation borne of this very stark understanding of life's truths. So number 2? Yeah, it's a biggie, and I need to work on it more.
3. The economy and our finances are a HUGE stress.
I dream at least twice a week that we lose our house and have to move into something awful. A big part of that is that even if we sold our house, we'd still be in tens of thousands of dollars of debt because of the poor housing market and the loss in value. We probably won't lose our house, but man is it hard to live as frugally and work as hard as we have been and not see much come of it.
4. I am unfulfilled and unhappy at work.
I have lost so much confidence in my leaders, and there's nowhere to turn. I still like what I do, and somewhat like the company, but I feel so stifled and mismanaged. The worst part is that others in the company seem to know that this is a problem, but are just waiting it out. It's easy for them to wait it out when they aren't on the bottom; recipients of all the sh*t that keeps rolling down that giant hill.
5. Finally - I am not as "at peace" with my reproductive status as I thought I was.
I am still very angry that even though my body is starting to respond, there is a very high chance I will never carry a child. That fact fills me with such an aching emptiness that I don't even know what to do with it. Furthermore, the more I learn about adoption, the more I understand that it comes with its own set of rejections, failed hopes and struggles. I just don't know if I can take starting that all over again with a new process. I think I might be a little more optimistic if we had the money to pursue private adoption since we could look all over the country, and would be working with mothers ready to give up their children, but we don't. It's as simple as that.
The Hub and I have already started talking about what all these problems look like and how we are going to address them. I fear that I will be very wordy in the coming days as I come to terms with all this and feel the need to purge myself all over the web as usual. Stay tuned.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
A New Game
Lizzybo at Over My Head has tagged me for a new game! Let's see how I do...
4 Things I Did 10 Years go (1998)
1. I was in my 2nd semester of sophomore year at college. I had just learned that college was a lot harder than high school in that you HAD to study if you wanted to get A's.
2. I started a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend at the time... who later became my wonderful husband. Aaaah the mix of heady first love and separation angst. I could have written a lot of bad poetry during this period. ;-)
3. I started traveling more and more on my own by driving to see various relatives and aforementioned husband. I was starting to feel like a REAL grown-up!
4. I took on lots of jobs during school, and different ones at break times more geared to my major. Money became much more of directly troubling factor in my life.
4 Things I did 5 Years Ago (2003 - this one is MUCH easier to remember)
1. I GOT MARRIED! We had our ceremony in a tiny little church in my tiny little village in the mountains of my home. This church was where my Mom, Grandma and Great Grandma were all married. It's also where most of my Mom's family is buried. It was a gorgeous, sunny day, and one of the greatest experiences of my life. There were over 100 people there, and almost all of them were family. However, the only really concrete memories I have of that day (since I was in such a cloud) are of feeling like a beautiful princess and anything that connected with the Hub. He was perfect. (Lizzy - we have been married the same amt of time!)
2. Our honeymoon. It was in Antigua. The little all-inclusive, family owned resort was absolute perfection. To this day, it is still the only place I've ever been that completely lived up to the hype of its brochure. We still talk about it and about going back.
3. We began planning our move. It wasn't cemented yet, but it was between Florida, California, New York City area and Chicago.
4. I started learning to take jumps in my horseback riding lessons! What an exhilarating feeling! God do I still miss that...
4 Things I did Yesterday
1. Went to a city garden with a very nice fellow infertile.
2. Celebrated Cinqo de Mayo with some work friends and the help of Mr. Cuervo. (Bet you didn't know that I love tequila.. the only liquor that I like straight)
3. Finished reading the "His Dark Materials" series - Brilliantly written, very disturbing, intensely thought provoking.
4. Hugged my husband very tightly when I saw him again. :)
4 Shows I love to Watch
1. Friends
2. The Amazing Race
3. Naruto
4. Jeopardy/The Office
(not a big TV watcher)
4 Things That Make Me Really Happy
1. My Husband
2. My sweet, adorable pets
3. Phone calls/visits from family and friends
4. Nature in almost any form. Although I have questions and some difficulty with Religion, here is where I feel closest to the creation of this world and how we are all interconnected.
I tag Stephanie, K&K, Michelle, Farah and Freyja (if you want to of course).
4 Things I Did 10 Years go (1998)
1. I was in my 2nd semester of sophomore year at college. I had just learned that college was a lot harder than high school in that you HAD to study if you wanted to get A's.
2. I started a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend at the time... who later became my wonderful husband. Aaaah the mix of heady first love and separation angst. I could have written a lot of bad poetry during this period. ;-)
3. I started traveling more and more on my own by driving to see various relatives and aforementioned husband. I was starting to feel like a REAL grown-up!
4. I took on lots of jobs during school, and different ones at break times more geared to my major. Money became much more of directly troubling factor in my life.
4 Things I did 5 Years Ago (2003 - this one is MUCH easier to remember)
1. I GOT MARRIED! We had our ceremony in a tiny little church in my tiny little village in the mountains of my home. This church was where my Mom, Grandma and Great Grandma were all married. It's also where most of my Mom's family is buried. It was a gorgeous, sunny day, and one of the greatest experiences of my life. There were over 100 people there, and almost all of them were family. However, the only really concrete memories I have of that day (since I was in such a cloud) are of feeling like a beautiful princess and anything that connected with the Hub. He was perfect. (Lizzy - we have been married the same amt of time!)
2. Our honeymoon. It was in Antigua. The little all-inclusive, family owned resort was absolute perfection. To this day, it is still the only place I've ever been that completely lived up to the hype of its brochure. We still talk about it and about going back.
3. We began planning our move. It wasn't cemented yet, but it was between Florida, California, New York City area and Chicago.
4. I started learning to take jumps in my horseback riding lessons! What an exhilarating feeling! God do I still miss that...
4 Things I did Yesterday
1. Went to a city garden with a very nice fellow infertile.
2. Celebrated Cinqo de Mayo with some work friends and the help of Mr. Cuervo. (Bet you didn't know that I love tequila.. the only liquor that I like straight)
3. Finished reading the "His Dark Materials" series - Brilliantly written, very disturbing, intensely thought provoking.
4. Hugged my husband very tightly when I saw him again. :)
4 Shows I love to Watch
1. Friends
2. The Amazing Race
3. Naruto
4. Jeopardy/The Office
(not a big TV watcher)
4 Things That Make Me Really Happy
1. My Husband
2. My sweet, adorable pets
3. Phone calls/visits from family and friends
4. Nature in almost any form. Although I have questions and some difficulty with Religion, here is where I feel closest to the creation of this world and how we are all interconnected.
I tag Stephanie, K&K, Michelle, Farah and Freyja (if you want to of course).
Pretty things mixed with discontent (the usual for me)
I promised photos! Here they are. I'm sorry about the lack of humans in the photos, but it's hard to have a semi-anonymous blog with photos of yourself and your friends featured prominently.
I thought it quite appropriate to post this pineapple picture following one of my recent posts. Isn't it pretty? It's so tiny, and I love the pink! I know there are different types of pineapples, but I have no clue what sort this is.
Banyan trees are beautiful, and some of my favorites, along with cypress.
Stephanie took many more beautiful plant photos than I did, so that's all I have to contribute. Unfortunately, the birdies were too far away for my pitiful little camera. But we did see many thrushes (migrants) and cardinals, some adorable moorhen chicks, tons of American redstarts (a migrant) and a little tufted titmouse that flew right across the path. They are brave little souls for their tiny size. I heard lots more species, but didn't look very hard for the birds I have seen many times before.
I have to say though that one of my favorite moments finding a bunch of cute succulent and bromeliad (Stephanie, correct me if I'm wrong) epiphytes (air plants) at the gift shop. They were quite affordable, and I love them so I nabbed some. We can't seem to keep bugs out of the soil of indoor plants down here in our house for some reason. We already have 2 little ferns, but they aren't as pretty as these:
As for me personally; apparently the AF hormones have found me. I have been moody and depressed all morning. Part of the problem is that since my family life is not turning out as I had hoped, I've been focusing more on work again for fulfillment. The difficulty in that, is that some things are going on there which make it hard for me to find any fulfillment or growth. Then I'm reminded all over again about how I'm stuck and need to find a way up and out. It's just that I've had so much change, so often in my life, that I was happy to be stable for once. Now it looks like I'm going to have to seriously consider moving on before I was ready. Is it only so difficult for me, or am I just more vocal about it? I feel like I can't stabilize my emotions for long before I have problems again. And I struggle daily to conquer that. Am I really the only one?
Monday, May 5, 2008
Enjoying the day in spite of myself
There is no denying that summer is fast approaching in Florida. However, the difference between spring and summer is that in the springtime we still get our beautiful mornings and evenings. In the summer, it's just aaaaaaalll HOT. Stephanie and I took advantage of the beautiful morning today to explore a local botanical garden. I quite enjoyed myself and even spotted migrant birds! One of them was the black throated blue warbler. I had never seen that before, so I was very excited. Stephanie seemed to very much enjoy the rich variety of plant life to be found. And God bless her, she even showed some interest in my bird nerd-ness.
I would like to talk more about how today went, but I can't find my camera hooker-upper thingy to download photos. This annoys me. My annoyance affects my ability to write about happy things. That annoyance is further fueled by the fact that the Witch is here to visit. I have to say though, that for a which, she's being very unusually kind to me. I seem to be getting off with what I like to call "normal person" cramps, and mild irritation rather than homicidal tendencies. Maybe fate felt that I had a really bum hand with my last round, so I deserved a rest.
One thing that disturbs me is that it seems I had an 11 day luteal phase this month instead of my usual 13-15. The only thing that's regular about my newfound "regular" ovulation is that it's not regular, if you get my drift.
Later on tonight I'm supposed to head out for another girls outing. Let's hope I'm not too bitchy for them. I've been a pissy-pants at work lately. I guess now we know why!
I'm sorry Stephanie. I plan to do our outing justice later. It's a good thing you got out of there when you did, because the real crankiness set in soon after. ;-)
I would like to talk more about how today went, but I can't find my camera hooker-upper thingy to download photos. This annoys me. My annoyance affects my ability to write about happy things. That annoyance is further fueled by the fact that the Witch is here to visit. I have to say though, that for a which, she's being very unusually kind to me. I seem to be getting off with what I like to call "normal person" cramps, and mild irritation rather than homicidal tendencies. Maybe fate felt that I had a really bum hand with my last round, so I deserved a rest.
One thing that disturbs me is that it seems I had an 11 day luteal phase this month instead of my usual 13-15. The only thing that's regular about my newfound "regular" ovulation is that it's not regular, if you get my drift.
Later on tonight I'm supposed to head out for another girls outing. Let's hope I'm not too bitchy for them. I've been a pissy-pants at work lately. I guess now we know why!
I'm sorry Stephanie. I plan to do our outing justice later. It's a good thing you got out of there when you did, because the real crankiness set in soon after. ;-)
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Off-Topic Plea for Assistance
Seems as if I may be the only one headed to Europe after all. NOT exactly what I had in mind. Could anyone having experience with the thoroughly ridiculous Canadian passport renewal process shoot me a note? Especially helpful would be Canadians currently living in the U.S. who have had to do it. We are facing a problem here. sigh. Talk about depressing.
Must.... Eat.... Fooooood
Even if I wasn't charting, the fact that I'm in my luteal phase with progesterone coursing through my body would be obvious by the ever present, almost manic, need for food and a few peculiar, yet familiar cravings. This doesn't happen every time, but it happens more often than not. For example, I spent most of today at work desperate for any snack I could get my hands on. Lunch and a few small snacks are never enough for me in my LP. You'd think I would have learned this by now. But nooooooo. I try to take fewer things to eat in the hopes that if it's not there, I won't lose my cool. Wrong every time. It's actually worse if I don't take snacks because then I spend a total of about 2 hours expressing my starvation state and driving my co-workers crazy in a frenzied snack rampage. This usually ends with less money in my pocket, and more crappy food in my belly. When am I going to learn?
However, I am proud to say that I was a good girl tonight. The things I seem to crave most at this time are salt, vinegar, garlic, chocolate and protein. Some examples of awesome craving killers right now are garlic pickles, french fries, scrambled eggs and buttery toast, Odwalla protein drinks (especially if chocolate is involved) and beef jerky with cheddar cheese and some grapes on the side. Now those of you who know me well know that I do not eat beef. I do not eat pork. But man do I want that jerky now!
But I suppose I really digress... What I was trying to say is that I had a yummy dinner! I made some penne pasta and added some roasted tomato pasta sauce. Since I'm craving garlic and salt like a fiend, I added a healthy dose of both along with onion and pepper. Mmmmmmmm. It really hit the spot. And for dessert, I had a roasted dessert banana. I don't know if any of you have ever had that, but here's how it works:
1. You take one banana, lay it on its side.
2. Cut a section out of the center, but leave the flap to push back over when you fill it.
3. Fill the center section with flavored chips (I prefer chocolate) and peanut butter
or PB chips and marshmallows if desired.
4. Close flap and cover in foil like you would a baked potato.
5. Bake in oven at around 300 degrees for about 10 mins, depending on
how you'd like it done.
6. Open flap and enjoy with a spoon!
I used my no sugar added, natural peanut butter and refrained from using marshmallows. Therefore, with just chocolate chips as the "bad" thing, I felt like I had a pretty healthy dessert! Now if I can only keep my cool for a few more days as AF sets in....
However, I am proud to say that I was a good girl tonight. The things I seem to crave most at this time are salt, vinegar, garlic, chocolate and protein. Some examples of awesome craving killers right now are garlic pickles, french fries, scrambled eggs and buttery toast, Odwalla protein drinks (especially if chocolate is involved) and beef jerky with cheddar cheese and some grapes on the side. Now those of you who know me well know that I do not eat beef. I do not eat pork. But man do I want that jerky now!
But I suppose I really digress... What I was trying to say is that I had a yummy dinner! I made some penne pasta and added some roasted tomato pasta sauce. Since I'm craving garlic and salt like a fiend, I added a healthy dose of both along with onion and pepper. Mmmmmmmm. It really hit the spot. And for dessert, I had a roasted dessert banana. I don't know if any of you have ever had that, but here's how it works:
1. You take one banana, lay it on its side.
2. Cut a section out of the center, but leave the flap to push back over when you fill it.
3. Fill the center section with flavored chips (I prefer chocolate) and peanut butter
or PB chips and marshmallows if desired.
4. Close flap and cover in foil like you would a baked potato.
5. Bake in oven at around 300 degrees for about 10 mins, depending on
how you'd like it done.
6. Open flap and enjoy with a spoon!
I used my no sugar added, natural peanut butter and refrained from using marshmallows. Therefore, with just chocolate chips as the "bad" thing, I felt like I had a pretty healthy dessert! Now if I can only keep my cool for a few more days as AF sets in....
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