Debbie Downer

Thanks for all your fun happy thoughts!

Either the daylight saving time really screwed me up (time and sleep changes tend to do that easily to me), or I got a bad bottle of Synthroid. A lot of my hypothyroid symptoms are creeping back in. My body temperatures are ridiculously low, and by low I mean I'm thinking, "That can't be right! Am I dead?" My skin is also much drier, hair more coarse, and I'm losing more of it, and I'm so fatigued but am not sleeping well. There are lots of other symptoms too (anxiety anyone?) It has been slowly getting worse. If I feel like this tomorrow, I'm calling the doctor. Is it possible to get a dud bunch of pills?

On the bright side of things, this was my fortune cookie tonight:

You will be singled out for promotion.

Man I hope so. I can't do this overtime and shoestring budget thing forever.

Stuff

Hey! I just realized my 100th post was the one before this! Cool!

Since I go back to work tomorrow, I had to do one more post. I tend to not post at all when I'm working, and on top of that, we are having the pleasure of a sibling visit this week. I won't be around much! I know I should have given you more time, but because of that, I couldn't wait to tell you where I got my previous post title. It's the title of a song by the Barenaked Ladies. (Love 'em!) This has sparked another fun idea. Stay tuned...

Early this AM, hub and I got up to try to see the space shuttle launch. It doesn't often go up at night, and I'm told when it does that it's quite the spectacle. It lights up the whole night sky. Wouldn't you know in our woozy state we totally missed it! ARGH. Someday. At least we've seen it during the day and heard the sonic boom (and quite a boom it is!) of its return twice.

I've also finished Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother. I'll be posting my reaction sometime soon.

To get me going for the rest of the week, how about a list of Happy Things? (Feel free to leave some of your happy things in the comments)

1. My wedding ring
2. The song of the meadowlark
3. Arnold's Natural Health Nut Bread
4. Buy One Get One sales at the grocery store
5. Kingdom Hearts II
6. Naruto
7. blog love
8. my nephew's voice
9. hugs

By the way, this list is as much of "what I'm into right now" as it is a happy things list. ;)
(Note: I'm posting a poll on the sidebar. Please contribute if you can!)

Life... in a nutshell

Has anyone else who's experienced a loss kept their positive hpt? I know it seems gross, but mine is still tucked in a little box beneath the bathroom sink. I also have photos of it and the digi that I used. I'm wondering if I need to be able to let go of that to know that I've moved on.

As usual, it's the good with the bad. I've been trying to remain positive, and mostly I am, but lately anxiety has crept insidiously back into my life. As more and more people I know become pregnant, I can't help thinking, "how much longer will I have to wait?" On top of that, others are experiencing difficult pregnancies, births and losses, and I can't help thinking, "if the wait ever ends, what pain lies ahead?" Sometimes I just feel like I will always suffer from a bit of a broken heart. But if I've learned else nothing by my 30th year, I've learned that this is life. Happiness and despair, comfort and pain; life is a complex mix of all. I feel almost like an alien when around friends who haven't yet been jolted out of the warm cushiness of their fantasies about life. Sure everyone has pain and struggle, but in my case at least, it took a lot more than just the usual struggles to open my eyes completely. Ever since my grandma died in our living room when I was 8, (actually even when I became aware of how sick she was), I have been far too keenly aware of how fleeting life is. But I had been able to hold on to my fuzzy illusions about it. Now I can't, and I find myself creating a new world for myself complete with altered perceptions. So don't be disturbed if you see me yo-yoing in my emotions or thoughts. I'm just trying to find my balance.

I started this partly to explain my feelings on pregnancy and my diminished presence on pregnancy blogs. I do read them - faithfully. I cry and laugh and rejoice with them. However, I often find I comment far less than I did before the pregnancy. Please don't feel that I don't care. I really really do. It's just that it's an uncharted world for me - one that I desperately wish I knew. So when the talk turns to symptoms, frustrations and baby talk, I don't always feel I can contribute well. I don't really know what to say. And there are definitely days when I can't even read at all. But please know that I still enjoy your blogs and wish you the most wonderful experience possible.

Lots of love!
FCiF

Note: If you know where I got my post title, please leave it in the comments!

Living Life Sure is Exhausting!

I don't know if it's a coincidence, but ever since I decided to focus on me and my relationships instead of infertility or what others think, life has gotten crazy! It's mostly crazy in a fun way, but I get really tuckered out. Thank God for Synthroid and its role in easing my exhaustion.

My last weekend was spent going to a water park (free tickets!), helping with and attending a beautiful outdoor wedding, running my usual errands and cleaning, and spending all day at a theme park with friends from up North.

As weekend eased into workdays, it didn't let up. Work has been so busy that each week goes by in a blur. Some of the people on my team are my best friends down here, and I feel like I haven't even been able to connect with them over lunch! A wonderful stress reliever though is that I used an Amazon certificate to buy Kingdom Hearts II, and it came this week! So now I'm once again drawn into a video game that feels to me very much as if I am playing a book. I love those kinds of games. I also love to watch Naruto in subtitles for that reason... it's as if I'm watching a book. But that's for another time. A wonderful tip for you all: If you are looking for a specific item, check to see if Amazon has a used item seller. You can get it for much cheaper, and it is sent to your door! I've gotten so many CD's, books, games and out of print items this way. I love that site.

This weekend I drove 2 hours to attend a lovely baby shower for a lovely friend. I've known her since elementary school and just recently hooked back up with her. Her baby is the one that made a surprise and stressful entrance into the world (hence the after baby shower), but things are looking pretty good. She's not getting off without some hardships, but overall, the baby should be relatively healthy. I can say one thing, she's ADORABLE.

In the midst of all this, Hub is attending a convention (as an artist - yay!) all weekend while we are preparing for his siblings' visit at the end of the week. The advent of break times always ramps up our visitor numbers.

As for my personal stuff, I had two days of EWCM** this cycle so far, and now my fertile signs have subsided. I've only ever had EWCM one other time, and that was the time I actually got pregnant. I'm pretty excited, and hope that this means I will ovulate. Remember though that I am not focusing on trying to conceive - just on being healthy for now.

You may also wonder what happened to talks of adoption. Well, I decided I needed to feel very centered before we seriously began that journey. I'm pleased to say that's going well. I want to finish our Unsung Lullabies support group and start reading about the emotional impacts of adoption before we begin. I'm not going into this half cocked like I did our treatments. To that end, I got Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother in the mail yesterday! (again with the Amazon. :) You can be sure that I will be posting my thoughts on it once I've finished. So far, I highly recommend reading it along with Unsung Lullabies if you are thinking of adopting. The emotional issues and thoughts are very interconnected between the 2 books.

Today, I'm just vegging and recuperating. I'm also feeling a "happy things" list building again. I can't believe how good it feels to do those. I think it's almost like Oprah's "gratitude journal."


**I don't care to describe what EWCM is. Those who will care what it is will probably already know it. Suffice it to say that it means I should be in a fertile phase.

Managing Grief - Unsung Lullabies Ch. 8

Now we're getting into the sections of Unsung Lullabies that are really important to me. The first part of this chapter discusses the grieving process and its stages as it applies to infertility. So many people don't understand that one does suffer and go through the stages of grief during this crazy roller coaster journey. I have heard it before, but it was worth reading again that the trauma you suffer is similar in feel to the loss of a loved one. Furthermore, when you suffer the loss of an actual pregnancy, you are grieving the loss of a loved one plus the loss of the chance to show him or her that love.

The problem with infertility is that there is no clear ending point until you decide there will be one. (Or until you have a child. Look at my optimism. :-/ ) Thus, the stages of grief come and go and come and go. Grieving never is a perfect linear process, but with infertility you often have renewed hope that interferes with your ability to fully grieve each loss. I experienced a delayed grief reaction after my chemical pregnancy. I cried when it happened and was depressed. However, another medicated cycle was scheduled right away, and I pushed my sadness off in the hope of a new chance. When that cycle failed, all the rage at having such promising hope snatched away from me resurfaced. I was angry. No - I was furious. And I had to work through that, along with many other fluctuations before I could feel anything close to normal again. It's also worth mentioning that grieving in a healthy way is supremely difficult when under the influence of such incredibly mood altering drugs. I never want to feel that helplessly out of control of my body again. This shit is hard enough without experiencing menopause, PMS and clinical depression in one shot. (At least, that's how it felt to me.)

The authors also mention that it can be confusing to grieve what they call, "the little deaths," or failed cycles. I was happy they addressed this because it helped me understand my conflicting emotions. I felt almost ashamed for being so destroyed after each failed cycle. It was almost like I felt that people were secretly labeling me "crazy," and "obsessed" because of it. I mean, after all, it's not like she really LOST a baby. And I'm sure some people did think those things, but now I understand it more and simply don't care if they do.

A suggestion from the book is to plan rituals for each "little death." I don't know that I've done this. Maybe journaling or blogging is my ritual. But I thought it was a great idea.

Finally - the end of the chapter addresses getting "unstuck." It contained some helpful thoughts that I wanted to share with all of you.

1. It is essential to communicate. Talk to those closest to you for support. Verbalizing your pain supports understanding, acceptance and healing. It's the strongest medicine for me.

2. Decide ahead of time how you would like to respond to painful questions. It can be a simple, "That is a private matter," or something more witty. Even if you don't use it, it can be helpful (and fun) to imagine what you want to say in your head when someone asks. My favorite example from the book: [when asked if she was considering adoption] "I'd seriously think about it if I looked like you!"

3. Be true to yourself. Don't try to mold your feelings to someone else's expectations. You don't have to feel grateful when they say, "you can always try again!" (I was glad to hear this because I so often just want someone to understand or listen and not to tell me how it will all be better.)

4. And most important to me: Treat each other with the utmost kindness (if you have a partner).

I told you we were getting into meaty stuff now. More on how to deal with the world next week.

On to the next Blogger! Little Deaths and Big Ones Too

Some Blog Love

So I found out that the other friends (actually met IRL!) who started a blog are cool with me posting the link. It's about pregnancy after infertility, is very well written, and contains the male and female point of view! How cool is that? It can be found in my blog links on the right, but here it is: Wielecki Twins. (Freyja - you aren't the last blog link anymore!)

Also, don't forget to check out the Impatient Patient. Two of my favorite blogs are, as always, HerVeryOwn and A Little Pregnant. For the male POV, Infertile Frank and The Smarshy Files are always good for a laugh or an insight. There are many good blogs listed on my sidebar. I've been thinking about organizing them in some way at some point, but I'm lazy. You may wonder what makes me link to blogs in the first place? Well, I have to say it's a very complicated formula involving how long I've known the person, how often they post, how much I enjoy their posts (not always very important), how often they comment on my blog, how sweet they are to others, how well written it is, and many other similarly nebulous factors.

When it comes down to it, I can't stand clutter. I like minimalism and a streamlined look. I feel like if I get too many over there, it will just be a mess. Therefore, I resist adding new blogs until I can't anymore. Sometimes I even add them right away if they are particularly well-written, strike me the right way, or I just like the person that much. I also remove blogs that seem to have been abandoned, or that I just don't feel at all anymore. I have to say thought that that rarely happens. It's more often that I remove blogs by mistake.

Now that I've bored you with my endless housekeeping chatter, I'm off to play with some friends.

P.S. A Few Good Eggs could use a few good hugs right now.

Busy busy buseeee!

Note the quote from one of my favorite (though one of the most corny) animated Christmas specials. In fact I have been quite busy. If you've noticed that my online presence has been spotty lately, I apologize. There have been weddings and frolicking and life events to which I must attend. I must say that this getting a life outside of infertility business has been a whirlwind!

Also, the Unsung Lullabies posts will be back on this coming Saturday. This next chapter is more meaty.

One fun note: I don't have to deal with Pregzilla for a long time - if ever again! Let me tell you, there's a celebration goin' on in here!!